A man and his wife are seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner.
After the waiter arrives the man says, “I’LL have your biggest, thickest Porterhouse steak.”
The waiter replies “But monsieur … what about ze mad cow?”
The man replies, “She’ll have a salad.”
A man was on his death bed. His wife was stroking his hand lovingly and speaking gentle words to him for the last time.
“I gotta tell you something honey” said the man very weakly.
“No sweetie, it’s all right, relax” replied the woman.
The man took a deep breath and said, “I have to say that I cheated on you with your sister, your mother and your aunt!!”
The wife cooed, “Sssshhhh, I know, just relax and let the poison do its job.”
A guy is sitting on the side of the road saying “99 99 99”.
A blonde woman walks up and says, “Hi, what’s your name?”
The guy says, “99 99 99”.
The blonde sees a butterfly and runs after the butterfly onto the road and gets hit by a car. The man says, “99 100 100”.
One day, Holmes and Watson were in the office and Holmes said, “Watson, we need to take some time off work and go on a camping trip.”
“Good Idea,” replied Watson.
So the next day, they trecked through the woods and came to a field. That was where they decided to set up camp. They set up the tent and settled down for the evening.
Late at night Holmes was lying awake looking upward.
Holmes woke up Watson and said, “Watson, look up and tell me what you see.”
“Well,” he replied, “I see lots of stars, they are balls of gas burning billions of miles away.”
“No you dumb shit, someone’s stolen the fu*king tent!”
A business man was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he’d buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.
The old man said, “Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except—” and he stopped.
“Except what?” the man asked.
“Nothing, nothing.”
“C’mon, tell me! I need something!”
“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis.”
“So what’s up with this Voodoo Penis?” he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said “Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!”
The old man replied, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.” He pointed to a door and said, “Voodoo Penis, the door.”
The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.
Before the door split, the old man said “Voodoo Penis, return to box!”
The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more.
“I’ll take it!” said the businessman.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say “Voodoo Penis, my crotch.”
After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said, “Voodoo Penis, my crotch!” The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping.
It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she’d ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she’d had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, “I haven’t had anything to drink, officer. You see, I’ve got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won’t stop screwing me!”
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, “Yeah, right… Voodoo Penis, my ass.”
The rest is history.
Once for a vaction my Aunt Pat and Uncle Don were driving down to Florida and they saw a hitch hiker. He was well-dressed and looked nice, he even had a brief case. My Uncle Don decided to pick him up and drive him a little because he looked nice and safe. They were driving down and my Aunt asked him, “Did your car break down or something? Your dressed too well to be hitch hiking.” He just says that he needed a ride so he would hitch hike. Then my Aunt asked him, “Well what do you have in the brief case?” The hitch hiker replies, “None of your damn business.” My Uncle heard this and told the guy, “Hey man, we are being nice enough to give you a ride, the least you can do is treat my wife with respect and answer her question. What’s in the brief case?” The guy replies to him, “I will tell you the same thing I told her. None of your damn business.” My Uncle Don pulls over the car and tells him to get out. After a few minutes had passed, my Aunt Pat looks in the back seat and noticed that he left the brief case in the back seat! What was in it?
… None of your damn business!
Two horses start talking to each other and the first one says, “I keep coming last in my race and I’m knackered.”
The next one replies, “Me too I feel like dog food!”
Just then a dog walks by and says, “What your problem is is that you keep on sprinting at the start and you are too tired you should pace yourselves.
Then the 1st horse says, “Bugger me, a talking dog!”
There was a guy on the train that had to go to the bathroom. He asked the train conductor where the bathroom was. The train conductor replied that there wasn’t one. So the guy stuck his butt out the window to do his business.
At the same time there were these two hobos walking near the tracks. The poop flew and hit them both in the face. One hobo said to the other, “What kind of tobacco
is this?” The other hoboe replied back, Who knows but did you see the size of that guy’s cheeks?”
One evening, a young couple is in a hotel room and they are about to consumate their marriage. Just as they’re about to do it, the new bride stops the husband and says, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”
The husband replies, “Well, in this day and age, that’s pretty common, so it doesn’t really matter. By the way, who did you do it with?”
She replies, “Tiger Woods”.
“The golfer?”, he asks. “Well, he’s rich and famous, so I can see why you went to bed with him.”
They do their thing, then the husband reaches for the phone. “Who are you calling?” asks the wife. “Room service, I’m hungry.” “Tiger wouldn’t do that” the wife replies teasingly. “Oh yeah, what would Tiger do?” “He’d get back in bed and do it one more time.” They repeat the act and the husband reaches for the phone again. “Who are you calling?” “Room service, I’m still hungry.” “Tiger wouldn’t do that.” “Oh yeah, what would Tiger do?” “He’d get back in bed and do it one more time.” The husband sets down the phone, slightly irritated, and they do it one more time. The husband reaches for the phone. “Tiger wouldn’t do that.” “Oh yeah?” “He’d do it one last time.” The husband angrily slams down the phone, and they do it one more time. He reaches for the phone. “Are you calling room service?” “No, I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this hole.”
A teacher was talking to her class about how unhelthy candy is. One little kid raised his hand to make a comment.
“Yes Timmy” the teacher said.
“I hate candy” the kid said.
“Have you ever eaten candy?” The teacher asked?
“Yeah” the kid said. “But, when I ate one of those little mints in the stand up toilets, I decided to never eat candy ever again.”