Tag: Top 10/Lists


Microsoft Bathroom Humor

The following were found scribbled on the wall in the mens toilets at Microsoft.

Bill Gates downloads here

Where do you want to go today?
In the crapper!

Microsoft Word Speelchecker RULES!

Do not flush mouse pads down the toilet!

To flush, press handle. You do not need to hold Control, ALT and Delete at the same time.

The Basic Program
10: Enter
20: Lower Pants
30: Try real hard
40: If nothing, then goto 30
50: If something then goto 60
60: Wipe Butt
70: Exit

Stop writing these mindless jokes and childish insults on the walls!
Yeah, that’s what the internet is for!

Why cant B*ll G*tes get dates?
Because his penis is Micro & Soft

-Rajeey has a 3 1/2 inch floppy! – Carl
-Carl still plays with his wang! – Rajeev
-Yeah, well you both program in DOS – Fred
-Byte me! – Rajeev and Carl

Your mother’s so fat, it took me 25 minutes to download a picture of her from the web!

New Elements

Limbaughium Lb
The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarises all elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts only morons.

Billclintium Bc
With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water.

Canadium Eh
Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often called Boron.

Newtium
Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.

Quaylium Vp
Einsteinium it ain’t.

Cabmium Cb
Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it.

Politicium Po
Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach lethal concentrations in the House.

Congress Cg
Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.

Snot Sn
Bonds forever with corduroy.

Ten Reasons Why Trick-or-Treat is Better Than Sex

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7) You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6) It’s O.K. when the person you’re with fantasizes you’re someone else, because you are.

5) Forty years from now you’ll still enjoy candy.

4) If you don’t like what you get, you can always go next door.

3) It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2) Less guilt the morning after.

And the No. 1 reason why trick a treating is better than sex …

1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

Tribal Wisdom

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Threatening the horse with termination.

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

7. Appointing an intervention team to reanimate the dead horse.

8. Creating a training session to increase the riders load share.

9. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

10. Change the form so that it reads: “This horse is not dead.”

11. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

12. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.

13. Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its full original cost.

14. Providing additional funding to increase the horses performance.

15. Do a time management study to see if the lighter riders would improve productivity.

16. Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run faster.

17. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.

18. Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses.

19. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for horses.

20. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

What Nationality Was Jesus?

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH
He went into his father’s business.
He lived at home until he was 33.
He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH
He never got married.
He was always telling stories.
He loved green pastures.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN
His first name was Jesus.
He was bilingual.
He was always being harassed by the authorities.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN
He talked with his hands.
He had wine with every meal.
He worked in the building trades.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK
He called everybody “brother.”
He liked Gospel.
He couldn’t get a fair trial.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
He never cut his hair.
He walked around barefoot.
He started a new religion.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN
He had to feed a crowd, at a moments notice, when there was no food.
He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it.
Even dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do.

Answering Machine Messages

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machines:

==========

My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.

==========

A is for academics,
B is for beer.
One of those reasons is
Why we’re not here.
So leave a message.

==========

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

==========

(Narrator’s voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

==========

“Hi. Now you say something.”

==========

(From a Japanese guy in Toronto.)
He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!

==========

“Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.”

==========

“Hello, this is Sally’s microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I’m stuck taking her calls. If you’d like anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.”

==========

“Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub. Their carpets are always clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need any pictures taken. They believe the stock market is a random crapshoot, and the entire insurance industry is one huge scam perpetrated by Mafioso accountants. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.”

==========

“Hi. I am probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.”

==========

“This is not an answering machine: this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where you can be reached, and my owner will think about returning your call.”

==========

“Hi, this is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.”

==========

“If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave us a message.”

==========

“You’re growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very, sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.”

==========

Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can’t pick up the phone right now, because we’re doing something we really enjoy. I like doing it up and down, and Sonya likes doing it left to right … real slowly. So leave a message, and when we’re done brushing our teeth we’ll get back to you.”

Alcohol Warning

Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer and wine containers:

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can’t remember).

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter and more handsome than some really, really big guy named MAX.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

Restroom Signs

Friends don’t let friends take home ugly men!
-Women’s restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breast plate open.
-Women’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, IL

Don’t trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die.
-Men’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, IL

Beauty is only a light switch away.
-Perkins Library. Duke University. Durham, North Carolina.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
-Armand’s Pizza. Washington, DC

Remember, it’s not, “How high are you?” it’s “Hi, how are you?”
-Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
-The Irish Times. Washington, DC

In a washroom in Ann Arbor, Michigan someone wrote:

My mother made me a homosexual.

Under this, someone scrawled: If I got her the yarn, would she make me one too?

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
-The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
-Men’s Room, Linda’s Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
-Bentley’s House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.

It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
-Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Arizona.

If you voted for Bill Clinton in ’96, you can’t shit here … your asshole is in Washington.
-Blind Pig, Ann Arbor,Michigan.

Please refrain from throwing toothpicks in the toilet!
Remember: CRABS CAN POLE VAULT!!!!!
–Washroom wall on I-81.

Make love, not war. – Hell, do both, get married!
-Women’s restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
-Revolution Books. New York, New York.

A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.
-Women’s restroom, Dick’s Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.

JESUS SAVES! But wouldn’t it be better if he had invested?
-Men’s restroom, American University. Washington, DC

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
-Men’s restroom, House of Representatives. Washington,D.C.

Watch out for Gay Limbo Dancers
-Inside toilet stall door, Men’s restroom, Country Club, San Francisco.

Express Lane: Five beers or less
-Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic’s. Phoenix, AZ.

You’re too good for him.
-Sign over mirror in Women’s restroom, Ed Debevic’s. Beverly Hills, California.

No wonder you always go home alone.
-Sign over mirror in Men’s restroom, Ed Debevic’s. Beverly Hills, Califronia.

I saw you take a shit. Now put it back.
-Anonymous

You Know You’re a 90’s Kind of Redneck if …

You mow your lawn and find a keyboard

You don’t understand why women get scared of mice when there is one on your desk

You have a 300 bps modem under the sink in your bathroom

Your bathroom has an internet connection

You find parts of old computers in your front yard

You have more broken printers than car engines in your yard

Your old style redneck neighbor dosen’t understand why you drink the soft drink Mountain Dew

Your T-Shirt reads C:DOS C:DOS RUN RUN DOS/RUN

You have no sex life, love life, or any other life

You can download MP3 files off of a 286 that you somehow got to run Windows 95

You relate to any of the stuff in this list

You know what CPM stands for

Hickbonics

The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollars pipelined through Washington by designating Southern slang, or “Hickbonics,” as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone. The following are excerpts from the Hickbonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI – (noun) – Greeting.

HIRE YEW – Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: Heidi, Hire yew?”

BARD – (verb) – Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”
Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”

JAWJUH – (noun) – The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.”

BAMMER – (noun) – The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage: “A tornader jes went through Bammer an’ left $20,000,000 in improvements.”

MUNTS – (noun) – A calendar division.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t herd from him in munts.”

THANK – (verb) – Ability to cognitively process.
Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”

BARE – (noun) – An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”

IGNERT – (adjective) – Not smart. See “Arkansas native.”
Usage: “Them bammer boys sure are ignert!”

RANCH – (noun) – A tool used for tight’nin’ bolts.
Usage: “I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”

ALL – (noun) – A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”

FAR – (noun) – A conflagration.
Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pickup truck, that thing’s gonna catch far.”

TAR – (noun) – A rubber wheel.
Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”

TIRE – (noun) – A tall monument.
Usage: “Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”

RETARD – (verb) – To stop working.
Usage: “My grampaw retard at age 65.”

FAT – (noun), (verb) – a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: “You younguns keep fat’n, n’ ah’m gonna whup y’uh.”

RATS – (noun) – Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: “We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats.”

FARN – (adjective) – Not domestic.
Usage: “I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed … must be from some farn country.”

DID – (adjective) – Not alive.
Usage: “He’s did, Jim.”

EAR – (noun) – A colourless, odourless gas: Oxygen.
Usage: “He cain’t breathe … give ‘im some ear!”

BOB WAR – (noun) – A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”

JEW HERE – (noun) and (verb) contraction.
Usage: “Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump’ny?”

HAZE – a contraction.
Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah … haze ignert. He ain’t thanked but a minnit’n ‘is laf.”

SEED – (verb) – past tense of “to see”.
VIEW – contraction: (verb) and pronoun.
Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City … view?”

GUBMINT – (noun) – A bureau.
Usage: “Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.