Nose Picking Glossary

THE KIDDIE PICK … When you’re by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there’s no time limit!

CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK … When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.

FAKE NOSE SCRATCH … When you make believe you’ve got an itch but you’re really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.

MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT … You do it so furiously, and for so long, you’re probably entitled to dessert.

SURPRISE PICKINGS … When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.

AUTOPICK … The kind you do in a car, when no one’s looking.

PICK YOUR BRAINS … Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.

PICK AND SAVE … When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don’t catch on to what you did.

PICK AND ROLL … No explanation needed.

PICK AND FLICK … Ditto.

PICK AND STICK … You wanted it to be a “Pick and Flick,” but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.

PAYDIRT … The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.

Famous Last Words

“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.” – Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” –Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

“I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.” – The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.

“But what is it good for?” — Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.” – Western Union internal memo, 1876.

“The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?” — David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920’s.

“The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C,’ the idea must be feasible.” — A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith’s paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

“Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?” — H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

“I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.” –Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in “Gone With The Wind.”

“A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make.” –Response to Debbi Fields’ idea of starting Mrs. Fields’ Cookies.

“We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.” – Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have done the experiment. Then literature is full of examples that said you can’t do this.” — Spencer Silver, on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3m Post-It” Notepads.

“So we went to Atari and said, ‘Hey, we’ve got this amazing thing even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or, we’ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we’ll come work for you.’ And they said, ‘No.’ So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, ‘Hey, we don’t need you. You haven’t got through college yet.'” — Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak’s personal computer.

“Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.” –1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard’s revolutionary rocket work.

“You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can’t be done. It’s just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training.” — Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the unsolvable problem by inventing Nautilus.

“Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You’re crazy.” –Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

“Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.” – Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

“Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.” – Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

“Everything that can be invented has been invented.” – Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

“Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction”. — Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

“The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon”. – Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

“640K ought to be enough for anybody.” – Bill Gates, 1981

Performance Evaluations

These Quotes were taken from actual Federal employee performance evaluations:

“I would not allow this employee to breed”

“This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t-be.”

“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”

“When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet.”

“He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”

“This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”

“He sets his personal standards low, and consistently fails to achieve them.”

“This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

“This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.”

“Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.”

“A gross ignoramus—144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”

“He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.”

“He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”

“I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”

“He’s been working with glue too much.”

“He would argue with a signpost.”

“He has a knack for making strangers immediately.”

“He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”

“When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”

“If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”

“He has a photographic memory, but with the lens cover glued on.”

“A prime candidate for natural deselection.”

“Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”

“Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”

“Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”

“If she were any more stupid, she’d have to be watered twice a week.”

“If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”

“If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.”

“It’s hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”

“Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”

“Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.”

“The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

Maintenance Complaints

Here are some actual “Red Card” items (maintenance complaints) submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

Problem: “Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.”
Solution: “Almost replaced left inside main tire.”

Problem: “Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.”
Solution: “Autoland not installed on this aircraft.”

Problem: “The autopilot doesn’t.”
Signed off: “IT DOES NOW.”

Problem: “Something loose in cockpit.”
Solution: “Something tightened in cockpit.”

Problem: “Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.”
Solution: “Evidence removed.”

Problem: “DME volume unbelievably loud.”
Solution: “Volume set to more believable level.”

Problem: “Dead bugs on windshield.”
Solution: “Live bugs on order.”

Problem: “Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.”
Solution: “Cannot reproduce problem on ground.”

Problem: “IFF inoperative in ‘Official’ mode.”
Solution: “IFF is supposed to be inoperative in OFF mode.”

Problem: “Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.”
Solution: “That’s what they’re there for.”

Problem: “Number three engine missing.”
Solution: “Engine found on right wing after brief search.”

Yoda Sex Lines

12. “Ahhh! Yoda’s little friend you seek!”
11. “Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must.”
10. “Feel the force!”
9. “Foreplay, cuddling – a Jedi craves not these things.”
8. “Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I must!”
7. “Do me or do me not – there is no try.”
6. “Early must I rise. Leave now you must!”
5. “You know, this would be a lot more fun without Frank Oz’s hand up my ass.”
4. “Happens to every guy sometimes this does.”
3. “When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmmm?”
2. “Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!”
1. “Who’s your Jedi master? WHO’S your Jedi Master?”

You Might Be White Trash If …

You think quality TV is “The Simpsons” or “America’s Funniest Videos”.

You still own, admire, or listen to any CD by Madonna.

You log onto the Internet and download images because they give you the same sensation as a real naked woman.

Your Web site features schlock pictures, such as trashy women, but you confuse those pics for “art”.

You take Jerry Springer or “South Park” way too seriously.

Any of your steps towards financial independence involve letters to and from Ed McMahon.

Your knowledge of Native American culture is limited to the games offered at a local casino.

You’ve never thought of Cher as “campy.”

Your idea of “high-end shopping” is charging to your K-Mart credit card.

You give a damn about the Energizer bunny.

You’ve ever missed work waiting on the sidewalk for a special edition of Playboy.

Rosie O’Donnell is your favorite no-discernable-talent star.

Your home is an archive of old TV Guides.

You consider the grocery store checkout’s magazine rack a “library.”

You can’t understand how Nirvana’s songs ended up in the ash heap of irrelevancy like they did.

A redneck has ever criticized you for having bad taste.

You’re not ashamed to admit you like Lilith Fair and you’re not a lesbian.

It doesn’t make sense to you to use “Ellen DeGeneres” and “tacky” in the same sentence.

You really, really love these jokes or you’re really, really offended by them.

Funny Headlines

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

4. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case

5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

6. Farmer Bill Dies In House

7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

8. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?

9. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope

10. Stud Tires Out

11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again

13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

14. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms

15. Eye Drops Off Shelf

16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

17. Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead

18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

19. Shot Off Women’s Leg Helps Nicklaus To 66

20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe

21. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told

22. Miners Refuse To Work After Death

23. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant

24. Stolen Painting Found By Tree

25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

26. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter

27. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years

28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One

29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in ’84

30. War Dims Hope For Peace

31. If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

32. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures

33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

35. Deer Kills 17,000

36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

37. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

38. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group

39. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft

40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

41. Chef Throws His Heart Into Feeding The Needy

42. Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire

43. British Union Holds Dwarfs In Short Supply

44. Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood

45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

46. Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half

47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

48. Man Minus Ear Waves Hearing

49. Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing

50. Air Head Fired

51. Steals Clock, Faces Time

52. Prosecutor Releases Probe Into Undersheriff

53. Old School Pillars Are Replaced By Alumn

54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked By Board

55. Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

56. Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction

57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

58. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

If Men Ruled The World

1. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.”

2. Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.

3. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a half time.

4. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the bum would pretty much do it.

5. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

6. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

7. “Sorry I’m late, but I got hammered last night” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

8. It’d be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

9. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.

10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

11. Instead of a beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.”

12. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re #1!”

13. Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

14. Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

15. Two words: Ally McNaked.

16. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

17. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

18. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

19. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

20. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-alec answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:

Cop: “You know how fast you were going?”
You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.”
Cop: “Nice one. That’s $10 off.”

21. Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

22. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

Stupid People

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West!

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m sorry, we’ve done everything we could but he pulled through.”

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

Once, when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid, there are so many places they can hide.”

On Halloween, parents send their kids out looking like me.

I met the Surgeon General. He offered me a cigarette!

I just finished my first book. Now I am going to read another one!

I told my kid, “Some day you’ll have children of your own.” He told me, “So will you!”

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

I remember one time somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw what the guy looked like. She said, “No, but I got the license plate number.”

My wife’s not too smart. I told her our kid is spoiled. She told me a lot of kids smell that way.

Some Actual Signs

In the front yard of a funeral home, “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.”

On an electrician’s truck, “Let us remove your shorts.”

Outside a radiator repair shop, “Best place in town to take a leak.”

In a nonsmoking area, “If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

On a maternity room door, “Push, Push, Push.”

On a front door, “Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.”

At an optometrist’s office, “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a taxidermist’s window, “We really know our stuff.”

On a butcher’s window, “Let me meat your needs.”

On a fence, “Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.”

At a car dealership, “The best way to get back on your feet — miss a car payment.”

Outside a muffler shop, “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”

In a dry cleaner’s emporium, “Drop your pants here.”

On a desk in a reception room, “We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.”

In a veterinarian’s waiting room, “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the electric company, “We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”

In a Beauty Shop, “Dye now!”

On the side of a garbage truck, “We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.” (Burglars please copy.)

In a restaurant window, “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.”

Inside a bowling alley, “Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.”

In a cafeteria, “Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.”