If Men Ruled The World

1. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.”

2. Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.

3. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a half time.

4. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the bum would pretty much do it.

5. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

6. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

7. “Sorry I’m late, but I got hammered last night” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

8. It’d be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

9. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.

10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

11. Instead of a beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.”

12. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re #1!”

13. Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

14. Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

15. Two words: Ally McNaked.

16. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

17. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

18. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

19. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

20. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-alec answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:

Cop: “You know how fast you were going?”
You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.”
Cop: “Nice one. That’s $10 off.”

21. Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

22. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

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