Q: What is the difference between a chickpea and a lima bean?
A: I’ve never paid $300 for a lima bean on my chest.
Author: jokebarn
Donald Trump Meets the Queen
Donald Trump is meeting The Queen, and he says to her: “As I’m the President, I’m thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I’m thinking that it should be a Kingdom.”
To which the Queen replies, “I’m sorry Mr. Trump, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge – and you’re not a King.”
Donald Trump thought a while and then said, “How about a Principality then?” to which the Queen replied, “Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince – and you’re not a Prince, Mr. Trump.”
Trump thought long and hard and came up with, “How about an Empire then?”
The Queen, getting a little pissed off by now replied, “Sorry again, Mr. Trump, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge – and you are not an Emperor.”
Before Trump could utter another word, The Queen said, “I think you’re doing quite nicely as a Country.”
An NBA Player, President Trump, and the Pope Jump Out of an Airplane
An airplane was about to crash. There were four passengers on board but only three parachutes.
The first passenger said, “I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me and I can’t afford to die.” So he took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.
The second passenger, Donald Trump, said, “I am the newly-elected US president and I am the smartest president in American history, so my people don’t want me to die.” He took the second pack and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, the Pope, said to the fourth passenger, a 10-year old school boy, “My son, I am old and don’t have many years left. You have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.”
The little boy said, “That’s okay, Your Holiness, there’s a parachute left for you. America’s smartest president took my school bag.”
Bus Driver
There was a nun on a bus. The bus stops to pick up a guy. The guy sits next to the nun and says, “Hey baby, want to have sex with me?” The nun slaps him across the face and gets off at her stop.
As the guy gets off the bus, the bus driver says, “Hey, let me talk to you man-to-man for a minute. I see that nun praying every night at that cemetery over there at about six-thirty, if you go there dressed as God you could probably get her to have sex with you.”
The guy thanks the driver and gets off the bus. The next night, the guy dresses up like God with the robes and waits for the nun in the graveyard. Just as the bus driver said, the nun came to pray at around six-thirty. The man walks up behind the nun and says, “I am God!”
The nun says, “Oh great and powerful one what can I do for you?”
The guy says, “You must have sex with me.”
The nun says, “Ok, but you must do me anally, as I must remain a virgin, true to my oath.”
The guy agrees and they have sex.
Then the guy jumps up, tears off his robes and says, “Ha, ha! I am the guy from the bus!”
And the nun jumped up, tears off her robes and says, “Ha, ha! I am the bus driver!”
Michael Jackson
Q: What does Michael Jackson call a schoolbus of kids?
A: Meals on Wheels.
An Architect, a Hooker, and a Windows Programmer
An architect, a hooker and a windows programmer were talking one evening, and somehow, the discussion turned to which profession was the oldest.
“Come on, you guys! Everyone knows mine is the oldest profession,” said the hooker.
“Ah,” said the architect, “but before your profession existed, there had to be people, and who was there before people?”
“What are you getting at, God?” The hooker asked.
“And was He not the divine architect of the universe?” The architect asked, looking smug.
The windows programmer had been silent, but now he spoke up. “And before God took on himself the role of an architect, what was there?”
“Darkness and chaos” said the hooker.
“And who do you think created chaos?” asked the programmer.
A Doctor, a Lawyer, and a Programmer
A doctor, a lawyer and a programmer are driving to a party together when the car breaks down. The lawyer says, “Let’s sue the automaker for making a crappy product.” The doctor replies, “Nah, let’s just pop the hood and see what’s wrong.” Confident he has the solution, the programmer announces, “Let’s get out of the car then get back in again.”
Tissue Dance
Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogey in it!
Sleep with Angelina Jolie
“You won’t sleep with Angelina Jolie for a million dollars, would you?” asked the cuddling wife.
“Don’t be ridiculous!” said the husband. “How am I gonna raise a million dollars?”
To My Loving Wife
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.
In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been “called home to glory” following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I’ve Arrived!
I’ve just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
( P.S. Sure is hot down here! )