Author: jokebarn

Lumberjack’s Pleasure

A man sets out to find work as a lumberjack. The last available slot is in the middle of the desert. Then the man meets the manager and gets the tour, but when they are finished the manager says: The only bad part of this job is that there is not one woman around for 200 miles.” This worried the man as to how he would be able to fulfill his sensual pleasures without any women around. So he asks this question to the manager, and the manager says: “I’m not supposed to tell you this, but about a half mile to the east there is a special tree called the Tree of Pleasure. Stick your rod in there and you will find all the pleasure you need.”

For the next three days, the man does this, and each time has awesome pleaure. On the fourth day, nothing happens. The man goes to the manager and says, “What’s the deal?” The manager says: “Oh, I forget to tell you, today its your turn to sit in the tree.”

Can We Talk?

Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats in an airplane. One guy says to the other, “May we talk? … I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, “What would you like to discuss?”

The first guy says, “Oh, I don’t know; how about Nuclear Power?”

The other guy says, “OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first … A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets, the cow excretes big patties, and the horse excretes clumps of dried grass … Why is that?”

The first guy says, “Gee, I don’t know.”

The other guy says, “Oh? … Well then, do you really think you’re qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you really don’t know shit?”

3 Men in an Airplane

There was an airplane and three men were inside. One had a $5 bill, the other a brick, and the other a bomb.

The first man, with the brick, dropped it down on the town below.  All the people below shouted, “The sky is falling!”

Then the man with the $5 bill dropped it.  All the people shouted, “Its raining money!”

Then the man w/ a bomb dropped it. They heard no anwser. Then, they jumped out to see what happened.  They talked to a scared looking old lady, who said “I was walking, and I farted, and then, the man behind my blew up!”

Computer Tech Support Messages

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Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our technicians are currently busy helping people who are even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity. In order to expedite your call, please punch your 58-digit product identification number on to your telephone, followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface possible to prevent being seen. Please note that you made need a size 11 3/4 torx screwdriver which may only be available from your original equipment manufacturer. Do that NOW!

Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend that you sit at your computer, preferably turning it on at some point, and have at hand all your floppy disks, CD-ROM disks, computer manuals and original packing materials in order to allow the technician to aid you in the unlikely event that he ever gets to your call. If you were an inconsiderate jerk — we mean forgetful customer — and threw away your original packing materials, please call the company that sent you the computer and ask them to resend you the empty box with the plastic bubbles, fake popcorn and the wasted paper advertising that they recycle. We will hold your place in line on the phone while you wait for your boxes to be delivered. It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing while explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting obscene threats will cause you to be immediately disconnected and blackballed from further communication with Technical Support, not only from ours but that of every other electronics-related firm in the industrialized world. (We all talk you know).

Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order to enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful to know more about you and your equipment. Have you called technical Support before? If you have, please press the numeral one on your telephone touch pad. If not, press the numeral two If you are not sure, using the letters on your touch pad, spell out the phrase: I am confused and despondent and quickly losing the will to live. Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make arrangements to sell your computer because by the time the technician takes your call, it will be obsolete, and you will be too senile to use it anyway.

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all of our technicians just went out for lunch. This means that to the estimated waiting time we gave you earlier, you may now add at least another two hours.

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to the technician about your problem and risking the possibility that you may be wasting his valuable time, please ask yourself the following questions: 1. If my monitor screen is dark, is it possible I have forgotten to plug in my computer? 2. Have I exhausted every possible means of help before utilizing the sacred, last-resort-only telephone option? 3. Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support? 4. Have I consulted my manual? 5. Have I read the Read-Me notice on the floppy disk? 6. Have I called up my know-it-all geek cousin who I can’t stand but who can probably fix this thing for me in under five minutes? 6. Have I given the central processing unit of my computer a good, solid whack? If you can not honestly answer yes to all these questions, please get off the line immediately so that our overworked technicians can help those truly desperate customers whose suffering is so much greater than yours. You must be really be so bored that you have to call technical support just to have someone to speak to about geek stuff.

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our System has been overloaded, and unfortunately you have lost your place in line. Please push one if you would like to be connected again to technical Support.

Thank you for calling Technical Support.
Our electronic sensors indicate that you are about to slump over and die from a massive frustration attack combined with severe dehydration from lack of food and water. Before doing so, please take a moment to place your telephone receiver back in its base and switch off your computer so as not to wear down its internal battery. As a non-living person, you will have no further need of Technical Support and so we regretfully must remove you from our list of registered product users.

Remember, we valued your patronage and we’re happy to serve your needs. Do not hesitate to have your heirs or beneficiaries contact us should any further technical problems arise.