Author: jokebarn


To My Loving Wife

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter.  Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules.  It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day.  Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel.  There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis.  However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband’s funeral.  He was a minister of many years who had been “called home to glory” following a heart attack.  The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.  Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor.  The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I’ve Arrived!

I’ve just arrived and have checked in.  I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.  Looking forward to seeing you then!  Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

( P.S. Sure is hot down here! )

Lumberjack’s Pleasure

A man sets out to find work as a lumberjack. The last available slot is in the middle of the desert. Then the man meets the manager and gets the tour, but when they are finished the manager says: The only bad part of this job is that there is not one woman around for 200 miles.” This worried the man as to how he would be able to fulfill his sensual pleasures without any women around. So he asks this question to the manager, and the manager says: “I’m not supposed to tell you this, but about a half mile to the east there is a special tree called the Tree of Pleasure. Stick your rod in there and you will find all the pleasure you need.”

For the next three days, the man does this, and each time has awesome pleaure. On the fourth day, nothing happens. The man goes to the manager and says, “What’s the deal?” The manager says: “Oh, I forget to tell you, today its your turn to sit in the tree.”

Can We Talk?

Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats in an airplane. One guy says to the other, “May we talk? … I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, “What would you like to discuss?”

The first guy says, “Oh, I don’t know; how about Nuclear Power?”

The other guy says, “OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first … A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets, the cow excretes big patties, and the horse excretes clumps of dried grass … Why is that?”

The first guy says, “Gee, I don’t know.”

The other guy says, “Oh? … Well then, do you really think you’re qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you really don’t know shit?”

Holmes And Watson

One day, Holmes and Watson were in the office and Holmes said, “Watson, we need to take some time off work and go on a camping trip.”

“Good Idea,” replied Watson.

So the next day, they trecked through the woods and came to a field. That was where they decided to set up camp. They set up the tent and settled down for the evening.

Late at night Holmes was lying awake looking upward.
Holmes woke up Watson and said, “Watson, look up and tell me what you see.”

“Well,” he replied, “I see lots of stars, they are balls of gas burning billions of miles away.”

“No you dumb shit, someone’s stolen the fu*king tent!”

3 Men in an Airplane

There was an airplane and three men were inside. One had a $5 bill, the other a brick, and the other a bomb.

The first man, with the brick, dropped it down on the town below.  All the people below shouted, “The sky is falling!”

Then the man with the $5 bill dropped it.  All the people shouted, “Its raining money!”

Then the man w/ a bomb dropped it. They heard no anwser. Then, they jumped out to see what happened.  They talked to a scared looking old lady, who said “I was walking, and I farted, and then, the man behind my blew up!”