Category: Culture


Southern California

Top 10 signs you live in Southern California:

10) Your co-worker tells you he/she has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

9) You make over $250,000 and still can’t afford a house.

8) Your child’s 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.

7) A really great parking space can move you to tears.

6) A low-speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

5) You assume every company offers domestic partner benefits, a fab exercise facility, and tofu takeout.

4) Your best friends just named their twins after her acting coach and his personal trainer.

3) It’s sprinkling and there’s a report on every news station about “STORM WATCH ’99.”

2) The three-hour traffic jam you just sat through wasn’t caused by a horrific 9 car pile-up, but by everyone slowing to rubberneck at a lost shoe laying on the shoulder.

1) You can’t remember … is pot illegal?

Greater Los Angeles Area Driver’s License Application

Name:______________ Stage name:________________

Agent:______________ Attorney:__________________

Sex: ___Male ___Female ___Formerly Male ___Formerly Female

If female, indicate breast implant size: ____

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___

Please list brand of cell phone: __________________.
(If you don’t own a cell phone, please explain.)

Please check hair color:

Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)

[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the backseat
[ ] Having sex
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop

Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers, and
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving.

TEST

If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime;
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news on a high-speed chase;
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through;
d) Call your therapist;
e) None of the above (South Central residents only).

In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car,
b) keep driving and hope for the best,
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones, or
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4?

In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH,
b) drive twice as fast as usual, or
c) you’re not sure what “rain” is.

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac;
b) Zovirax;
c) Lithium;
d) Zanax;
e) Valium.

If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour;
b) 2 hours;
c) 3 hours;
d) 4 hours or more.

When stopped by police, should you
a) pull over and have your driver’s license and insurance form ready,
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405,
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit?

********************
Please turn in your test to the lady behind the bullet-proof
window on your left.

New Yorkers in Heaven

This group of New Yorkers went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Golden Gates that day … St. Peter didn’t know what to do with so many people at the gates so he ran to God … St. Peter said, “God there is a group of New Yorkers at the gates and they want to get in.” God says, “Well what is the problem, let them in, two at a time if you have to.” So, St. Peter runs back to the gates to let them in. A few seconds later God hears St. Peter running back. St. Peter comes running up to God and says, “God, they’re gone!” God says, “Who, the New Yorkers?” St. Peter says, “No, the Golden Gates.”

Hebrew Archaeology Find

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. And written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance:

1. A woman
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, “This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that if they had a famine hit the earth, whereby the food didn’t grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David, which means they were evidently Hebrews.” The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, “I’m glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations.”

Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, “I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don’t read from left to right, but from right to left … Now, look again … It now says: “‘Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that woman!'”

Saudi Punishments

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. “I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession.” The Sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.

“I’m a cop”, says the first man.

“Then we will shoot your penis off!,” said the Sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

“I’m a firemen,” said the second man. “Then we will burn your penis off!,” said the sheik. Finally, he asked the last man, “And you, what do you do for a living?”

And the third man answered, “I’m a lollipop salesman!”

Caintukians

A Kentucky State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-75. He says to the driver, “Got any ID?”
The driver says, “Bout what?”
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Q: What’s long and hard on a Kentucky football player?
A: First grade!
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Q: Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Kentucky State Lottery?
A: The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
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Q: Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Eastern Kentucky?
A: Everyone has the same DNA.
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Q: Did you hear that the governor’s mansion in Frankfort, Kentucky burned down?
A: Yep. Pert’ near took out the whole trailer park.
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A new law recently passed in Eastern Kentucky: When a couple gets divorced, they’re still brother and sister.
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Q: What’s the best thing to ever come out of Kentucky?
A: I-75.
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Two Kentuckians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, “Hey Tommy Ray, what’cha got in th’ bag?”
“Jus’ some chickens.”
“If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?”
“Shoot, ya guesses right and I’ll give you both of them.”
“OK. Ummmmm . . . five?”
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Q: What do a divorce in Eastern Kentucky, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
A: Somebody’s fixin’ to lose them a trailer.
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Q: Why do folks in Eastern Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
A: ‘Cuz 17 and under not admitted.
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Q: What do you get when you have 32 Eastern Kentuckians in the same room?
A: A full set of teeth.

Ticket in LA County

Speeding Ticket: A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its blue lights flashing in his rear view mirror.

He thinks, “I can outrun this guy,” so he floors it and the race is on.

The cars are racing down the highway — 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.

Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures, “What the heck” and gives up.

He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car.

He leans down and says, “Listen mister, I’ve had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I’ll let you go.”

The man thought for a moment and said, “A few weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought it was him coming after me to give her back!”

The officer let him go.

True Story from Police in Orange County

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail, a ticket for $40.00, and a photo of his car. Instead of the payment, he sent the police department a photograph of two $20.00 bills.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture, of a pair of handcuffs.