Category: Insults


She Was So Blonde …

… She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

… She thought a quarterback was a refund.

… She tripped over the cordless phone.

… She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.

… She told someone to meet her at the corner of WALK and DON’T WALK

… She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

… At the bottom of the application where it says “sign here”, she put Sagittarius.

… If she spoke her mind, she’d be speechless.

… When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.

… Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her months to figure out she could use it at night.

Yo Momma’s So Fat …

1) Yo momma’s so fat that when she steps on the scales it says, “TO BE CONTINUED.”

2) Yo momma’s so fat that when she was sunbathing on the beach Greenpeace turned up and tried to push her back in the water.

3) Yo momma’s so fat that when she falls out of bed she rocks herself to sleep trying to get back up.

4) Yo momma’s so fat that when she wore an X T-shirt helicopters tried to land on her.

5) Yo momma’s so fat that when she steps on the scales it tells the other three people to get off!

6) Yo momma’s so fat that when your dad rolls over in bed to answer the phone he burns his arse on the lightbulb.

7) Yo momma’s so fat that the Titanic didn’t need an iceberg to sink it.

Shakespearean Insult

A man and his son recently moved to Texas. One Saturday afternoon they decided to take a walk through the park. During the walk the boy sees two cowboys walk by.

“Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!”

The father is surprised by this and tells his son that that is not very nice language to use.

A few minutes later, two more cowboys walk by and again the boy yells, “Dad, look at thoses bow legged bastards!”

The father, quite upset now turns to his son and says, “I told you not to say that and I do not want to hear it again, or else.”

Just a few minutes go by and another pair of cowboys walk by and once again the child yells, “Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!”

“Thats it!” the father yells, and takes the child home and locks him in his room with the complete works of Shakespeare.

Two weeks later, he lets his son out and notices that he has taken to speaking like Shakespeare wrote. This impressed the father so he decided to take his son out for another walk through the park.

As they were walking a pair of cowboys walk past them.

The boy turns to his father and says, “Father, what strange men are these, whose balls hang in parenthesis?”

Performance Evaluations

These Quotes were taken from actual Federal employee performance evaluations:

“I would not allow this employee to breed”

“This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t-be.”

“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”

“When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet.”

“He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”

“This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”

“He sets his personal standards low, and consistently fails to achieve them.”

“This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

“This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.”

“Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.”

“A gross ignoramus—144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”

“He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.”

“He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”

“I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”

“He’s been working with glue too much.”

“He would argue with a signpost.”

“He has a knack for making strangers immediately.”

“He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”

“When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”

“If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”

“He has a photographic memory, but with the lens cover glued on.”

“A prime candidate for natural deselection.”

“Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”

“Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”

“Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”

“If she were any more stupid, she’d have to be watered twice a week.”

“If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”

“If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.”

“It’s hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”

“Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”

“Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.”

“The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

Stupid People

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West!

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m sorry, we’ve done everything we could but he pulled through.”

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

Once, when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid, there are so many places they can hide.”

On Halloween, parents send their kids out looking like me.

I met the Surgeon General. He offered me a cigarette!

I just finished my first book. Now I am going to read another one!

I told my kid, “Some day you’ll have children of your own.” He told me, “So will you!”

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

I remember one time somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw what the guy looked like. She said, “No, but I got the license plate number.”

My wife’s not too smart. I told her our kid is spoiled. She told me a lot of kids smell that way.