A woman got pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said, “I bet you’re going to sell me tickets to the Highway Patrol Ball.”
He replied, “No, Ma’am, highway patrolmen don’t have balls.”
There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he had said. Without saying another word, he closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail, a ticket for $40.00, and a photo of his car. Instead of the payment, he sent the police department a photograph of two $20.00 bills.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture, of a pair of handcuffs.
Speeding Ticket: A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its blue lights flashing in his rear view mirror.
He thinks, “I can outrun this guy,” so he floors it and the race is on.
The cars are racing down the highway — 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.
Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures, “What the heck” and gives up.
He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car.
He leans down and says, “Listen mister, I’ve had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I’ll let you go.”
The man thought for a moment and said, “A few weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought it was him coming after me to give her back!”
The officer let him go.
A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested. The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this, When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, “The Gold Dust Twins are coming” and I had to smile.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Sloan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling” and I had to grin.
Then she placed herself under a sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick” and I could hardly control myself.
BUT….when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident.” I laughed out loud.
A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. “Well,” says the doctor, “I can do the facelift, and then you’ll have to come back in six months for a follow- up.”
“Oh, no.” the woman replies. “I want it all done in one shot, I don’t want to have to come back.” The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, “There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear.” “That’s what I want!” exclaims the lady. “Let’s do that.”
Six months later the lady charges into the doctor’s office. “Well, how’s the procedure holding up?” the doctor asks.
“Terrible!” the lady bellows. ” It’s the worst mistake I’ve ever made.”
“What’s wrong?” asks the doctor.
“Just look at these bags under my eyes!” she hollers.
“Lady,” the doctor retorts, “those aren’t bags, those are your breasts and if you don’t leave that screw alone, you’re going to have a beard!”
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you 500 dollars to drop that towel that you have on.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 500 dollars and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower. “Who was that?” It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great,” the husband says, “did he say anything about the 500 dollars he owes me?”
A blonde woman was driving her car home one night when she suddenly found herself in the middle of a real bad hail storm The hail stones were as big as golf balls. Her car got dented up real bad. The next day she took it to a repair shop. The repair guy was a little crazy and told her to blow into the tail pipe real hard when she got home, and the dents would pop out.
So when she got home she started blowing into the tail pipe, and her blonde girl friend saw her. Her friend was startled and said “what are you doing?”
Did you hear about the Polish man who locked his keys in the car?
It took him four hours to get his family out.
Do you know why is California over-populated with lawyers and New Jersey has too many toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey had first choice.
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was hopping up and down with rage, complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
“Officer, look what they’ve done to my new BMW!!!”, he shrieked.
“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!”
“Oh my Gaaad….”, replied the lawyer, looking down and noticing for the first time the bloody stump where his left arm had once been. “We gotta find it. It has my Rolex???!!!!!”