Category: Relationships


Three Ducks at a Bar

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar, has a few drinks and chats with the Bartender. The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that people bring into the bar, so he doesn’t mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the bloke with the ducks has to go to the rest room. The ducks are left on the Bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The bartender decides to try some conversation.

“What’s your name?” he says to the first duck.

“Huey” said the duck.

“How’s your day been?”

“Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day”.

“Oh. That’s nice.” says the Bartender.

Then he says to the second duck, “Hi. And what’s your name?”.

“Dewey” came the answer.

“So how’s your day been?”

“Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance at another day I would do the same again.”

So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, “So, you must be Louie.”

“No”, growls the 3rd duck, “My name is Puddles … and don’t ask about my fucking day.”

Barbie and G.I. Joe

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it’s her turn, she climbs up on Santa’s lap. Santa asks, “What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?”

The little girl replies, “I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe.” Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, “I thought Barbie comes with Ken.”

“No,” said the little girl. “She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.”

Week of Golf

A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day.

First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that she’s very attractive. He’s interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together.

She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole. He congratulates her in the parking lot then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn’t have a car. All in all it’s been a highly enjoyable morning.

On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning’s company and competition and says she hasn’t enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. “In fact,” she says, “I’d like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything.” He pulls over and she gives him the best kiss he’s ever had.

The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He’s actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other’s company and playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at the last, again he drives her home, and again she shows her appreciation.

This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day.

This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel.

Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can’t agree to this. He can’t work out what the fuss is about, but eventually she admits the reason. “You see,” she tearfully sobs, “I’m a transvestite.”

He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. “I’m sorry,” she repeats.

“You bastard,” he screams, red in the face, “You cheating bastard. You’ve been playing off the red tees all week!”

Not Enough Golf

A man and his secretary are having an affair, so one afternoon they get a motel room and have strenuous sex. He’s not used to the pace, so he falls asleep afterwards and doesn’t wake up until about 8:30 that night, at which time he realizes it’s late and that he has to get home.

He says to his secretary, “Quick! While I get dressed, you take my shoes outside and drag them around through the grass and mud.” Puzzled, the secretary complies.

When the man gets home about 9:30 his wife confronts him and asks him where he’s been. The man says, “I cannot lie to you. I spent the better part of the day doing my secretary in a motel room, then I fell asleep, woke up later, and came right home.”

The woman looks down at his shoes and says, “You lying bastard, you’ve been out playing golf again!”

Magic Black Sponge

One day a young 5 year old walked into the bathroom while his mother was getting out of the shower, and saw her nude. Quickly she covered herself with a towel, and the boy asked: “Mommy, what was that hairy black thing?”

His mother replied: “Honey, that’s my magic Black sponge.”

Later that day, the young boy walked into the kitchen and asked his mother to show him the magic black sponged again, but she replied that she lost it. About ten minutes later the boy came running back to the kitchen yelling, “MOMMY, MOMMY, I found your Magic Black Sponge. Dad is cleaning it with his face at the neighbors house!”

Elderly Couple at McDonalds

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald’s. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup.

As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.

Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, “Oh, no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.”

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, “Not yet. It’s his turn with the teeth.”

Excited at his Return

One day Little Johnny was playing in his room when his Dad came up to talk to him. Johnny’s Dad explained to Johnny that he and Mommy were getting a divorce.

“Why Daddy, why?” Johnny asked, confused.

“Well,” explained Johnny’s Dad, “Your mother and I are no longer in love.”

Even more confused, Johnny asks, “What does being in love mean?”

“Well Johnny,” replied Dad, “let me give you an example. A Father is coming home from work, and his wife is as anxious and excited to meet him as he is when he gets home. So they both embrace and kiss at the door, right when they meet. That’s love, but Mommy and me have lost that.”

“But Daddy, I see mommy getting excited lots of times right when you come home,” Explained Johnny, “That means she must still be in love with you.”

“I don’t understand Johnny,” asked Johnny’s Dad, “Mommy gets excited?”

“Well, sometimes when Mommys still sleeping in the bed with the postman and you pull in to the driveway, I can hear her wake up and shout at the top of her lungs, ‘Oh my god, my husband’s home! My husband’s home!'”

S&M

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven’t seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says, “It’s OK. We get it on every week or so but it’s no big adventure, how’s yours?”

Sally replies, “It’s just great, ever since we got into S&M.”

Sue is aghast. “Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that.”

“Oh, sure,” says Sally, “He snores while I masturbate.”

How to Kill an Eel

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother.

Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he’s not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick … a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST! anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!

“Anyway”, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go … I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.

After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel … I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn’t dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again.

I guess eels are like cats … they have nine lives or something.

This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it
was dead this time because I saw sis’s boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.

Mother fainted.

Cybersex

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse and a miniskirt and high heels. My measurements are 36-24-36. I work out every day. I’m toned and perfect. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I’m 6’3″ and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweatpants I just bought at Walmart. I am also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner – it smells a little funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK.

Sweetheart: We’re in my bedroom. There’s soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I’m looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I’m gulping. I’m beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I’m pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I’m unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I’m moaning softly.

Wellhung: I’m taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I’m throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I’m rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and I accidently rip a hole in your blouse. I’m sorry.

Sweetheart: That’s OK, it wasn’t really too expensive.

Wellhung: I’ll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don’t worry about it. I’m wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, rising and falling, as I breath harder
and harder.

Wellhung: I’m fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it’s stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I’m reaching back and undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I’m picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I’m arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I’m dropping the bra. Now I’m licking your, you know, breasts. They’re neat!

Sweetheart: I’m running my fingers through your hair. Now I’m nibbling our ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I’m so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I’m wiping your spit off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I’m taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a *plop*.

Sweetheart: OK. I’m pulling your sweatpants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I’m screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I’m pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I’m pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out, nibbling on your … umm … wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What’s the matter?

Wellhung: I’ve got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I’m choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I’m having a coughing fit. I’m turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I’m running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I’m fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I’m drinking a cup of water. There, that better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I’m washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I’m on the bed, aching for you.

Wellhung: I’m drying the cup. Now I’m putting it back in the cabinet. And now I’m walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it’s dark. I’m lost. Where’s the bedroom.

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I’m tuggin off your pants. I’m moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Wellhung: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately – our naked bodies pressing against each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don’t you take off you glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can’t see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I’m bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I’m fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom. It’s dark. I’m feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I’m waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I’m done going. I’m feeling around for the flush handle, but I can’t find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What’s the matter now?

Wellhung: I’ve realized that I’ve peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I’m walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I’m going to put my … you know … thing … in your … you know … woman’s thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I’m touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I’m having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I’m moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can’t stand it another second! Slide it in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I’m flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I’m limp. I can’t sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I’m standing up and turning around, an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I’m shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I’m going to get my glasses and see what’s wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I’m getting dressed. I’m putting on my underwear. Now I’m putting on my wet, nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I’m squinting, trying to find the night table. I’m feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I’m buttoning my blouse. Now I’m putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I’ve found my glasses. I’m putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I’m pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I’m logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!