Category: Relationships


Guide to Male Vocabulary

Statement: “I’m a Romantic.”
True Meaning: “I’m poor.”

Statement: “I need you.”
True Meaning: “My hand is tired.”

Statement: “I am different from all the other guys.”
True Meaning: “I am not circumcised.”

Statement: “I want a commitment.”
True Meaning: “I’m sick of masturbation.”

Statement: “You’re the only girl I’ve ever cared about.”
True Meaning: “You are the only girl who hasn’t rejected me.”

Statement: “I really want to get to know you better.”
True Meaning: “So I can tell my friends about it.”

Statement: “It’s just orange juice, try it.”
True Meaning: “Three more shots, and she’ll have her legs around my head.”

Statement: “She’s kinda cute.”
True Meaning: “I wouldn’t kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary.”

Statement: “I don’t know if I like her.”
True Meaning: “She won’t sleep with me.”

Statement: “I miss you so much.”
True Meaning: “I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good.”

Statement: “Was it good for you?”
True Meaning: “I’m insecure about my manhood.”

Statement: “How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?”
True Meaning: “Is my penis really that small?”

Statement: “I had a wonderful time last night.”
True Meaning: “Who the hell are you?”

Statement: “Do you love me?”
True Meaning: “I’ve done something stupid and you might find out.”

Statement: “Do you ‘really’ love me?”
True Meaning: “I’ve done something stupid and you’re going to find out sooner or later.”

Statement: “How much do you love me?”
True Meaning: “I’ve done something really stupid and someone’s on their way to tell you by now.”

Statement: “I have something to tell you.”
True Meaning: “Get tested.”

Statement: “I’ll give you a call.”
True Meaning: “I’d rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.”

Statement: “I’ve been thinking a lot.”
True Meaning: “You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk.”

Statement: “I think we should just be friends.”
True Meaning: “You’re ugly.”

Statement: “I’ve learned a lot from you.”
True Meaning: “Next!!!!”

Statement: “I’m on a long distance call, can you call me later?”
True Meaning: “I gotta turn on my answering machine.”

The Cruise

A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink.

Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island.

Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She has also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her,and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful, and says, “My God, you saved my life!” He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!

Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They’ve set up a hut, there’s fruit on the trees, and they’re in heaven.

Cindy’s fallen madly in love with our man, and they’re making passionate love morning, noon and night. Alas, one day she notices he’s looking kind of glum.

“What’s the matter, sweetheart?” she asks, “We have a wonderful life together. I’m in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?

“He says, “Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?” Sure,” she says, “If it will help.” He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.

“Now would you put on my pants?” he asks. “Sure, honey, if it’s really going to make you feel better,” she says.

“Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?” he asks.

“Whatever you want, sweetie,” she says, and does.

Then he says, “Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?”

She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, “Dude! You’ll never believe who I’m sleeping with!”

What You Get

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly.

George brushed her off.

Harriet objected, “George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude.”

“Harriet, she’s a prostitute.”

“I don’t believe you. That sweet young thing?”

“Let’s go up to our room and I’ll prove it.”

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for ‘Bambi’ to come to room 1217. “Now,” he said, “you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?”

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.

George asked, “How much do you charge?”

“$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services.”

Even George was taken aback. “$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25.”

Bambi laughed derisively. “You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price.”

“Well,” said George, “I guess we can’t do business. Goodbye.”

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, “I just can’t believe it!”

George said, “Let’s forget it. We’ll go have a drink, then eat dinner.”

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, “See what you get for $25?”

Condoms

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

The man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”

“Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “Why are there three in this package?”

The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”

“Cool!” says the boy.

He notices a 6-pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”

“Those are for college men,” the dad answers. “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”

“WOW!” exclaimed the boy.

“Then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replies, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for …”

Wedding Colors

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”

“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life,” her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So why’s the groom wearing black?”

Escaped Convict

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown and whispered, “Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!”

“Dear,” the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, “I’m so relieved that you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you’re cute!”

Las Vegas Women

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.

The first guy says, “I don’t think I’ll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms and hollers seven come 11 all night and I haven’t had a wink of sleep!”

The second guy says, “I know what you mean … my old lady played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers hit me light or hit me hard and I haven’t had a wink of sleep either!”

The third guy says, “You guys think you have it bad! … My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters.”

Why Dogs Are Better Than Women

– A dog’s disposition stays the same all month long.
– A dog’s parents never come to visit.
– A dog’s time in the bathroom is limited to a quick drink.
– Anyone can get a good looking dog.
– Dogs are excited by rough play.
– Dogs can appreciate excess body hair.
– Dogs can’t talk.
– Dogs don’t borrow your shirts.
– Dogs don’t care if you use their shampoo.
– Dogs don’t expect you to call them when you’re running late.
– Dogs don’t hate their bodies.
– Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their life.
– Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away.
– Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dogs name.
– Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
– Dogs like to do their snooping outside, as opposed to your wallet, desk or sock drawer.
– Dogs love it when your friends come over.
– Dogs love long car trips.
– Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
– Dogs never want a foot rub.
– Dogs seldom outlive you.
– Dogs think you sing great.
– Dogs understand that farts are funny.
– Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
– Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
– No dog ever bought a Michael Bolton album.
– The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
– When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
– You never have to wait for a dog, they’re ready 24 hours a day.

Can’t Cook or Clean

A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying.

So the husband inquires, “What’s wrong, Honey?”

“Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can’t cook or clean.”

The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, “There, there sweetie! I don’t care that you can’t cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I’ll show you what I’d like for breakfast.”

So off they went to the bedroom.

That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. “What’s wrong now, Sweetie?”

“Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can’t cook.”

Again the husband smiles and says, “Why don’t you come back up to the bedroom and I’ll have my lunch there!”

So off they went to the bedroom again.

That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister.

After the third trip the husband asks, “What are you doing, Honey?”

“Warming up your supper!” she replies.