A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. “I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want Novocain because I’m in a big hurry,” the woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.”
The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?”
The woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear.”
16. Carpools with Divine Brown.
15. Motel 6 names him “Customer of the Year.”
14. Mysterious phone calls in the middle of the night from some guy named “President Bill.”
13. You intercept a love note signed by all of the Oakland Raiders.
12. That naked guy standing in the corner pretending to be a hat rack isn’t fooling anyone.
11. Starts buying those lame excuses you give when you get home late from your mistress’s house.
10. Glenn Close speeds by your house every twenty minutes.
9. Models new lingerie, saying, “If you were my lover, would this turn you on?”
8. The smell of Brut is all over her, and you’re strictly an Old Spice man.
7. Asks you how you would feel about appearing on “Jenny Jones”.
6. Every night: comes home late, carves another notch in the bedpost and giggles himself to sleep.
5. The cat has that “I know something that you don’t know” look.
4. Amy Fisher shoots you in the head.
3. Closet full of Gideon Bibles.
2. Michael Irvin called her as a character witness.
1. Raoul the pool-boy is always hanging around, and you have NO pool!
A man goes into a store and starts looking around. He sees a washer and dryer, but there is no price listed on them. He asks the salesperson, “How much is the washer and dryer?”
“Five dollars for both of them,” the sales guy says.
“Yeah right, you’ve got to be kidding me!” the man says.
“No, that’s the price,” the sales guy says, “Do you want to buy them or not?”
“Yeah, I’ll take them,” the man says. The man continues to look around and he sees a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. “How much?” he asks.
“Five dollars for the system,” the sales guy says.
“Is it stolen?” the guy asks.
“No,” says the salesman, “It’s brand new, do you want it or not?”
“Yes,” the guy says. He looks around some more. Next he finds a top-of-the-line computer with printer and monitor. “How much?” he asks.
“Five dollars,” the salesman says. “I’ll take that too!” the man says.
As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asks him, “Why are your prices so cheap?”
The salesman says, “Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife. What he’s doing to her, I’m doing to his business.”
Two women were at a bar. ESPN was on the television. One said, “You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love.”
“If that were true,” said the other woman looking up at the TV, “then it would certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!”
An elderly man goes into the confessional and tells the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven grandchildren. Last night I had an affair and made love to two eighteen year old girls. I did it twice with each of them!”
The priest replies, “Well my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”
“Never Father, I’m Jewish.”
“So why are you telling me?” asks the priest.
“Are you kidding,” exclaims the old man, “I’m telling everybody!”
It’s two o’clock in the morning and a husband and wife are asleep, when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and says, “Hello?… How the hell do I know? What am I, the weather man?” and promptly slams the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, “Who was that?” The husband replies, “I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.”
Bill’s barn burned down, and his wife Polly called the insurance company.
Polly told the insurance company, “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money.”
The agent replied, “Hold on just a minute, Polly. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new barn of comparable worth.”
There was a long pause before Polly replied, “Then I’d like to cancel my husbands life insurance.”
A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.
He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, “Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it’s the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I’m lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I’m about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I’m transported into another world.
“On the other hand, Port makes me fart.”
A Minister noted that he was losing the attention of especially the young people in his audience, so he decided to prepare a sermon for the following Sunday on the topic of water-skiing.
He sat for absolutely ages preparing and eventually came up with only one paragraph of information. His wife advised him that she wouldn’t be attending church on Sunday if he insisted on going ahead and making a fool of himself.
Late on Saturday evening, and without advising his wife, he changed his mind and dug up a sermon which had always met with great success on the topic of sex in marriage.
Anyway, his wife didn’t attend his sermon on the Sunday, but, after church, two old ladies who had attended were having a conversation with the Minister’s wife and told her what a brilliant sermon her husband had given and how much they had enjoyed it.
She was quite astonished and said: “I’m really surprised, because he doesn’t know anything about the topic. He’s only tried it twice – the first time he fell off and the second time he felt nauseous”.
It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out “Sir, Good Evening, Sir!”
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said, “Good evening soldier, nice night, isn’t it?”
Well it wasn’t a nice night, but the Private wasn’t going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied, “Sir, Yes Sir!”.
The General continued, “You know there’s something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it’s really relaxing. Don’t you agree?”
The Private didn’t agree, but then the private was just a private, and responded, “Sir, Yes Sir!”
The General, pointing at the dog, “This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.”
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said “Sir, Yes Sir!”
The General continued, “I got this dog for my wife.”
The Private simply said, “Good trade Sir!”