A golfer is lining up his putt on the eighth green one morning when a funeral procession drives by. He immediately stops, removes his cap and bows his head until the procession passes.
One of his playing partners is impressed by this show of respect and comments on it to which the golfer replies, “It’s the least I can do, after all, we had been married for 28 years.”
Three old men are about to get started for 18 holes one day when the starter asks if they would mind a young lady joining them. When they see a beautiful and veluptuous blonde, they accept readily!
For 17 holes, this blonde golfs horribly. On the 18th hole, a par 5, she manages to reach the green in 4, but has a 40 foot putt to sink for par. “I would give anything, anything in the world, if I could only sink this putt” she exclaims.
Thinking as old men do, each offers assistance in turn. The first old man says, “hold your hands tight together and aim about six inches right of the hole.”
The second says, “No, no, aim just left of the hole and make sure to hit it firm so as not to leave it short!”
The 3rd gentleman surveys the hole carefully and says, “Ah, it’s a gimme!”
One Sunday morning a Catholic priest wakes up and notices it’s a gorgeous day – so beautiful that he couldn’t possibly turn away from playing golf. So he decides to play but has one problem. The priest has to say Mass in just a couple of hours. The priest thinks, then asks another priest if he would say his masses today because the first priest isn’t feeling well. The other priest agrees.
So now the first priest is off to the golf course. He decides to play a little bit past town thinking that way no one could possibly see him playing golf, since he was suppose to be sick. Right before he tees off on the first hole, St. Peter turns to Jesus and says, “Are you going to let him get away with that?”
Jesus replies “No, I guess not.”
So the priest tees off on the first hole, the longest par 4 on the course. He hits the ball and to his surprise sinks it in!!! A hole in one!!!
St. Peter turns to Jesus and says, “I thought you weren’t going to let him get away with lying?”
Jesus replies: “I’m not.”
St. Peter then says, “Well, he just made a hole in one on the longest par 4 of the course!!!”
Jesus turns to St. Peter and says, “Yes, but who is he going to tell?”
The golfer called one of the caddies and said, “I want a caddy who can count and keep the score. What’s 3 and 4 and 5 come to?”
“11 sir.” said the caddy.
“Good, you’ll do perfectly.”
Golfer, about 140 yards from the green, asks his caddy: “Can I get home with a nine iron?”
Caddy: “Eventually.”
A man decided to take up golf and went to the local course and asked the pro to show him how to play. The pro told the man to put the ball on the tee and hit it as near to that flag as you can.
The man put the ball on the tee and gave it a whack. It landed about two inches from the hole.
As they walked up to the green the Pro said, “Now all you have to do is tap the ball into the hole.”
The man said, “Why didn’t you say that when we were on the tee.”
Q: Why is golf called “golf”?
A: Because all the other four letter words were taken.
First Golfer: ” I was playing with Harry Schwartz yesterday. He was hitting the ball so badly that on the 12th hole — you know, the water hole — he really blew it. Throwing his clubs into the lake, he jumped in after them shouting “I’m going to kill myself”.
Second Golfer: “What happened?”
First Golfer: “Nothing … He couldn’t keep his head down.”
Guy comes to a water hole and only has two balls left — an old one and a new one. Naturally, he tees up the old ball.
A voice from above booms: “Pick up the old ball … tee up the new ball.”
He picks up the old ball, tees up the new one and gets ready to swing.
The voice from above is heard again: “First, take a practice swing.” Guy takes a practice swing.
Voice from above: “Tee up the old ball!”
Q: What is the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky diver?
A: A bad golfer goes whack, “CRAP”, a bad sky diver goes, “CRAP”. whack!