Tragic Humor

You gotta love people who can turn a tragedy into at least a little humor.

After the May 3rd tornado, many Oklahoma City residents have tried to deal with their loss through humor. Many home owners have spray painted their homes or put up signs claiming:

“For Sale: Fixer Upper” or “OPEN HOUSE.”

However, the best one comes from a man in Moore who, before President Clinton’s visit, put a sign in his yard saying:

“HEY BILL, HOW’S THIS FOR A BLOW JOB?”

Unfortunately, the Secret Service asked him to remove it since there was so much media coverage.

Wal-Mart Announcement

I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages,

e.g. “I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter.”

One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the following message: (I kid you not)

“I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance.”

Who’s Who

One morning, a mailman called on one of his regular customers and was surprised to see a white bed sheet with a hole in the middle hanging up in her living room. The housewife explained that she’d had a party the night before, they had played a game called “Who’s Who,” in which each of the men had put their “equipment” through the hole and the women had tried to guess their identity.

“Gee, that sounds like fun,” said the mailman. “Sure wish I’d been there.”

“You should have been,” the housewife informed him. “Your name came up three times.”

T-Shirts for Women Who Take No Crap

1- I’m busy. You’re ugly. Have a nice day.

2- Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

3- Remember my name – you’ll be screaming it later.

4- Of course I don’t look busy. I did it right the first time.

5- Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

6- I’m multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

7- Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

8- You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

9- Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.

10- Guys have feelings too. But like … who cares?

11- I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.

12- Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

13- I hate everybody, and you’re next.

14- Please don’t make me kill you.

15- And your point is …

16- I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re OK now.

17- All stressed out and no one to choke.

18- I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people.

19- How can I miss you if you won’t go away?

20- Sorry if I looked interested. I’m not.

Flash Cards

A fifth grade teacher is told she must teach sex education to her class. She decides to use a math technique to teach the subject, and thinks flash cards will work well.

The next day in class, she holds up the first flash card, a picture of a breast, and asks “Does anyone know what this is?”

Sandy responds, “I know, I know! It’s a picture of a breast and my Mommy has two of them!”

The teacher says, “Very good Sandy, you get a star.”

The teacher grabs the next card and holds it up. It’s a picture of a penis. She asks, “Does anyone know what this is?”

Little Tommy says, “I know, I know! It’s a penis and my Daddy has two of them!!”

The teacher says, “Well, Tommy, it is a penis, but your daddy can’t have two of them.”

Tommy says, “Yes he does! He’s got a little one that he pisses out of, and a great big one that he brushes the babysitter’s teeth with!”

Branded

A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “H” on her chest.

“How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor.

“Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue “Y” on her chest.

“How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor.

“Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green “M” on her chest.

“Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor.

“No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?”

Equestrian Cop

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?” The Kid says, “Yeah.”

The cop says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.” The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?” Humoring the kid, the cop says, “Yeah, he sure did.”

The kid says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.”