Math Quiz

A teacher was helping her students with a math problem. She recited the following story:

“There are three birds sitting on a wire. A gunman shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?”

A boy pauses. “None,” he replied thoughtfully.

“No, no, no, let’s try again,” the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers. “There are three birds sitting on a wire. A gunman shoots one,” she puts down one finger, “how many birds are left on the wire?”

“None,” the boy says with authority.

The teacher sighs. Tell me how you came up with that. “It’s simple,” says the boy, “after the gunman shot one bird, he scared the other two away.”

“Well,” she says, “it’s not technically correct, but, I like the way you think.”

“Okay,” chimes the boy, “now let me ask you a question. “There are three women sitting on a bench eating Popsicle’s. One woman is licking the Popsicle, one woman is biting the Popsicle, and one is sucking the Popsicle. Which one is married?” he asked innocently.

The teacher looked at the boy’s angelic face and writhed in agony, turning three shades of red.

“C’mon,” the boy said impatiently, “one is licking the Popsicle, one is biting and one is sucking. Which one is married?”

“Well,” she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, “the one who’s sucking?”

“No,” the boy says with surprise, “the one with the wedding ring on. But I like the way you think.”

45 Fun Elevator Activities

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!”
3. Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.
4. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
5. On a long ride, sway side-to-side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
6. Shave.
7. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”
8. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside down.
9. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
10. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
11. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
12. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.
13. Do Tai Chi exercises.
14. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce: “I’ve got new socks on!”
15. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!”
16. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
17. Meow, occasionally.
18. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
19. Frown and mutter “Gotta go, gotta go!” then sigh and say “Oops!”
20. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
21. Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing buttons.
22. Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.
23. Walk on with a cooler that says “Human Head” on the side.
24. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.
25. Leave a box between the doors.
26. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
27. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers, with it.
28. Start a sing-along.
29. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “is that your beeper?”
30. Play the harmonica.
31. Shadow box.
32. Say “Ding!” at each floor.
33. Lean against the button panel.
34. Say “I wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons.
35. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
36. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space””
37. Bring a chair along.
38. Blow spit bubbles.
39. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
40. Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”
41. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
42. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
43. Wear X-Ray Specs and leer suggestively at other passengers.
44. Stare at your thumb and say, “I think it’s getting larger.”
45. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler “Bad touch!”

Clinton in Hades

Bill Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At the gates of Hell he meets Satan. Satan tells Clinton that Hell is full but he will be replacing one of the current inhabitants. He will be given the choice of who he will replace for eternity.

Before Clinton appears three doors. The first door opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich being worked over with a blow torch.

“Oh my!” Clinton cringes, “That looks painful. I don’t think this is for me!”

Door #2 opens. Behind it is Rush Limbaugh his skin being stripped off with a pair of pliers.

“I don’t think so.”, Clinton insists!

Door #3 opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He is bound hand and foot, naked. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky doing what she does best.

“I can handle that!”, Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.

“Very well” says Satan, “Monica, you may go.”

Fun Things to do at Work

1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.

2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.

3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point, Sparky.” “No, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha.

4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you’re doing. For example: “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”

5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven’t lost them as much since you did this.

6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.

7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.

9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.

10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it “IN”.

13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

14) Send e-mail messages saying there’s free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, “oh you’ve got to be faster than that.”

15) Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

Redneck Students

Two dumb redneck friends are beginning to attend school. One of the friends goes to the University to speak with a counselor about the course work each of them are going to take.

The counselor tells him that he needs to take a logic class. The redneck asks, “What’s logic.” The counselor says, “Well, do you own a lawn mower?” He replies, “Yes.” “Well then you must live in a house,” replies the counselor. “Sure do,” says the student. “And if you live in a house, then you’re probably married.” says the counselor. “And if your married, then you’re probably heterosexual.” The counselor advises, “Well, this is logic.”

So, the redneck returns to his friend and tells him they need to take a logic class. His friends asks, “What’s logic?”

He replies, “Well, you own a lawn mower, right?” His friend replies, “No.”

“Then you must be a fag.”

Clinton vs. Gas Station Attendant

Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas.

On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary’s high school love. Bill was quite amused at this, but didn’t mention anything at the time. They exchanged hellos and went on their way.

As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, “Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today.”

She smirked and replied, “No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States.