The 9 Most Important Men In A Woman’s Life

1. THE DOCTOR : because he says :
“Take off your clothes”

2. THE DENTIST : because he says :
“Open wide”

3. THE HAIRDRESSER : because he says :
“Do you want it teased or blown?”

4. THE MILKMAN : because he says :
“Do you want it in the front or the back?”

5. THE INTERIOR DECORATOR : because he says :
“Once it’s in, you’ll love it”

6. THE STOCK BROKER: because he says:
“It will rise right up, fluctuate for a while and then slowly fall back again”

7. THE BANKER : because he says :
“If you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest”

8. THE HUNTER : because he says :
“I go deep in the bush, shoot twice and always eat what I shoot”

9. THE AT&T GUY : because he says :
“Would you like it on the table or against the wall?”

The BBQ

A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together. As the wife was pulling weeds, bent over, the husband said, “Honey your butt is getting big. I bet it’s as big as the gas grill now”. The husband feels he needs to prove his point and gets a yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his wife’s butt. “Yep, he said, just what I thought, about the same size.”

The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn’t speak to him for the rest of the day. That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, “How about a little sex baby?”

The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. “What the matter?” he asked? To which she replied, “Surely you don’t think I am going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie, do you?”

Noah’s Ark

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, “Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark.” And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark.

“OK,” Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, “I’m your man.”

“Six months and it starts to rain,” thundered the Lord. “You better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!”

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.

“Noah!” shouted the Lord, “where is My ark?” A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

“Lord, please forgive me!” begged Noah. “I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark’s construction, but your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system.”

“My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board.

Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn’t let me catch them, so no owls.”

“Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind. Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn’t complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.”

“Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe! Right now, I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I’m supposed to hire.”

“The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don’t think I can finish the ark in less than five years.”

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. “You mean you are not going to destroy the world?,” he asked hopefully.

“No,” said the Lord, “I am too late, the government already has.”

Presidential Tragedy

President Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school today and when he visited one of the classes (4th grade I believe). They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, “tragedy.” So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a “tragedy.”

One little boy stands up and offers, “If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy.” “No,” says Clinton, “that would be an accident.”

A little girl raises her hand. “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explains Mr. President. “That’s what we would call a GREAT LOSS.”

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Clinton searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy. “Fantastic,” exclaims Clinton, “that’s right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?”

“Well,” says the boy, “because it wouldn’t be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss.”

Bumpersnickers

* CATS: The other white meat

* Dain bramaged

* Don’t be sexist – broads hate that

* Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway

* Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel

* Boldly going nowhere

* CAUTION – Driver legally blonde!

* Heart Attacks…God’s Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends

* He’s not dead, He’s electroencephalographically challenged

* Honk if you’ve never seen an Uzi fired from a car window!

* How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?

* I’m an imbecile and I vote

* Money Isn’t Everything… But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch

* If you lived in your car, you’d be home by now

* Saw it… Wanted it… Had a fit… Got it!

* WARNING! Driver carries only $20.00 in ammunition

* If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

* Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re a butthead.

* Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.

* You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me not you!

* JESUS SAVES…He Passes It To Gretzky…Gretzky Shoots. He Scores!

* Jesus is coming! Look busy!

* You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT

* Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

* My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom

* Grow your own dope, plant a man

* All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

* I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

* WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

* I need someone really bad … Are you really bad?

* All men are idiots … I married their king.

* The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

* IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

* Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.

* We are born naked, wet, and hungry … Then things get worse.