Family Questions

A family is setting around the supper table and the son asks if he can ask a personal question? The father said ask away. The young man asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”

“Onions?”

“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Can I ask a personal question? Mom, how many kind of penises are there?”

The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, “Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man’s twenties, a man’s penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?”

“Yes, all dried up and the balls are there for decoration only.”

The Fun Sunday School Teacher

A Sunday School teacher goes on a blind date.

While at dinner her date asks her if she would like some wine. She says, “No, what would my Sunday School kids say?”

So, they go on with their date. Later they are at the carnival and they were having a great time. He asks her, “Would you like a cigaratte?” She asks, “What would my kids say?” So she didn’t take one.

Well, on the way home after the date, they pass a motel. He looks at her and she looks at him and they both smile. He asks, “Do you wanna stop.” She just smiled big and he says, “I guess thats a yes.” So they stayed at the motel.

The next morning when he takes her home, he asks, “What are you going tell your Sunday School kids?” She says I tell them you don’t have to smoke or drink to have a good time.

10 dollars is Alot

John and Linda went to the annual state fair. There was a booth in which a pilot gave you a ride in a real plane and did flips for you. A REAL plane. So John told Linda he wanted to go on the ride. But Linda said, “John, it costs 10 dollars for 2 people. 10 dollars is 10 dollars.”

The next year they came back and the ride was still there. John asked Linda hopefully but Linda replied, “10 dollars is still 10 dollars.”

The next year they went to the fair again and the ride was still there. John and Linda had the same talk as the past two years, “Ten dollars is ten dollars” Linda said for the third time. The pilot of the plane overheard the conversation. He went to them and said, “I’ll tell you what … I’ll give you that ride for free if you promise not to say anything while the plane is in the air or else it will still cost you ten dollars…”

John was excited. The pilot did flips and turns and dives in the air for John and Linda. They didn’t say a word. Finally, the pilot landed. He turned to John and said, “I tried everything I could but you didnt say anything … your ride is free.” John replied, “I was going to say something when linda fell out of the plane … but 10 dollars is 10 dollars …”

Three Friends Stranded in the Desert

Once there were three friends stranded in the desert because their car blew up. They were deserted for two months with nothing to eat but their own shoes and hair. Once they were completely bald and barefoot one of the guys tripped over a magic lamp.

“LET’S EAT IT!” said the 2nd guy.

“YES, YES LET’S EAT THE YUMMY DELICOUS LAMP.” said the 3rd guy.

“WAIT! Are you guys nuts?!” asked the 1st guy.

“Yes, why?” they both replied.

“WE WILL BE SWIMMING IN HOT DOGS AND CORN NUTS BECAUSE THIS IS SUPPOSED TO HAVE A GENIE IN IT!”

“YEAH HOT DOGS AND CORN NUTS!”

They rubbed the lamp.

“WHAT DO YOU WANT YOU FOOLS?!?” the genie yelled.

“Wishes sir”

“Okey dokey. You get one wish each.”

1st guy: I WANNA GO HOME

2nd: TAKE ME HOME

3rd: I’m bored I wish all of my friends were back here with me.

Race to the Ground

Three guys are in a plane and are going skydiving. The first man jumps and pulls the string for his parachute. The seocnd guy does the same, pulls his string after jumping. Both of thier parachutes open. The third guy jumps and pulls his string but for some reason the parachute doesn’t open. He falls toward the ground at about eighty miles an hour. He passes the second guy who is floating peacefully with his parachute open. The second guy looks at the third guy and says surprisingly, “Oh, so you really wanna race?” And he takes off his parachute.

Ranks of Importance

One day at a meeting, the manager of a large corporation asked his employees what the most important part of the body was. One replied the heart, you would die if it stopped beating. One guy said the brain, it helps your body to function. Then the boss said, you’re all wrong, its the asshole. It makes sure whatever is not needed any longer is gotten rid of.