A man was on his death bed. His wife was stroking his hand lovingly and speaking gentle words to him for the last time.
“I gotta tell you something honey” said the man very weakly.
“No sweetie, it’s all right, relax” replied the woman.
The man took a deep breath and said, “I have to say that I cheated on you with your sister, your mother and your aunt!!”
The wife cooed, “Sssshhhh, I know, just relax and let the poison do its job.”
Your mamma is so fat it takes 2 airplane flights, 3 trains and 6 buses to get to her good side.
Yo momma is so fat she thought the school bus was a Twinkie.
Two horses start talking to each other and the first one says, “I keep coming last in my race and I’m knackered.”
The next one replies, “Me too I feel like dog food!”
Just then a dog walks by and says, “What your problem is is that you keep on sprinting at the start and you are too tired you should pace yourselves.
Then the 1st horse says, “Bugger me, a talking dog!”
Yo mamma is so old I told her to act her age and she died.
Q: What did one of Saddam’s sons say to the other son when their father was killed?
A: “BAG DAD!!”
Why does the Monongahela River flow north into Pittsburgh as opposed to flowing south as other rivers ?
Because Pittsburgh sucks!
Once for a vaction my Aunt Pat and Uncle Don were driving down to Florida and they saw a hitch hiker. He was well-dressed and looked nice, he even had a brief case. My Uncle Don decided to pick him up and drive him a little because he looked nice and safe. They were driving down and my Aunt asked him, “Did your car break down or something? Your dressed too well to be hitch hiking.” He just says that he needed a ride so he would hitch hike. Then my Aunt asked him, “Well what do you have in the brief case?” The hitch hiker replies, “None of your damn business.” My Uncle heard this and told the guy, “Hey man, we are being nice enough to give you a ride, the least you can do is treat my wife with respect and answer her question. What’s in the brief case?” The guy replies to him, “I will tell you the same thing I told her. None of your damn business.” My Uncle Don pulls over the car and tells him to get out. After a few minutes had passed, my Aunt Pat looks in the back seat and noticed that he left the brief case in the back seat! What was in it?
… None of your damn business!
A business man was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he’d buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.
The old man said, “Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except—” and he stopped.
“Except what?” the man asked.
“Nothing, nothing.”
“C’mon, tell me! I need something!”
“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis.”
“So what’s up with this Voodoo Penis?” he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said “Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!”
The old man replied, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.” He pointed to a door and said, “Voodoo Penis, the door.”
The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.
Before the door split, the old man said “Voodoo Penis, return to box!”
The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more.
“I’ll take it!” said the businessman.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say “Voodoo Penis, my crotch.”
After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said, “Voodoo Penis, my crotch!” The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping.
It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she’d ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she’d had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, “I haven’t had anything to drink, officer. You see, I’ve got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won’t stop screwing me!”
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, “Yeah, right… Voodoo Penis, my ass.”
The rest is history.
Reporter heard Bush and one of his underlings talking in the hallway:
“Mr. President, how do we know for sure Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?”
Pres says: “You think we’re stupid boy??? We made copies of all the receipts!!”