What’s in the brief case?

Once for a vaction my Aunt Pat and Uncle Don were driving down to Florida and they saw a hitch hiker. He was well-dressed and looked nice, he even had a brief case. My Uncle Don decided to pick him up and drive him a little because he looked nice and safe. They were driving down and my Aunt asked him, “Did your car break down or something? Your dressed too well to be hitch hiking.” He just says that he needed a ride so he would hitch hike. Then my Aunt asked him, “Well what do you have in the brief case?” The hitch hiker replies, “None of your damn business.” My Uncle heard this and told the guy, “Hey man, we are being nice enough to give you a ride, the least you can do is treat my wife with respect and answer her question. What’s in the brief case?” The guy replies to him, “I will tell you the same thing I told her. None of your damn business.” My Uncle Don pulls over the car and tells him to get out. After a few minutes had passed, my Aunt Pat looks in the back seat and noticed that he left the brief case in the back seat! What was in it?

… None of your damn business!

Voodoo Penis

A business man was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he’d buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

The old man said, “Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except—” and he stopped.

“Except what?” the man asked.

“Nothing, nothing.”

“C’mon, tell me! I need something!”

“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis.”

“So what’s up with this Voodoo Penis?” he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said “Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!”

The old man replied, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.” He pointed to a door and said, “Voodoo Penis, the door.”

The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.

Before the door split, the old man said “Voodoo Penis, return to box!”

The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more.

“I’ll take it!” said the businessman.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say “Voodoo Penis, my crotch.”

After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said, “Voodoo Penis, my crotch!” The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping.

It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she’d ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she’d had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.

A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, “I haven’t had anything to drink, officer. You see, I’ve got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won’t stop screwing me!”

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, “Yeah, right… Voodoo Penis, my ass.”

The rest is history.

The Queer

A man walked into a bar and sat down. He looked really upset, so the bartender asked if he wanted to talk about his problems.

The man quickly responded by saying he’d like seven shots of wild turkey.

The bartender asks the man what was bothering him.

The man looks up at him and says, “I just found out my brother is a queer.”

The bartender says, “Man I’m sorry.”

The next day, the man walked into the same bar, sat down and had the bartender get him seven shots of wild turkey.

The bartender asks, “What is wrong today?”

The man replies, “I just found out that my other brother is a queer.”

The bartender apologizes and sends him on his way.

The following day, the man goes to the same bar, and orders the same seven shots of wild turkey.

The bartender sighs and says, “Man doesn’t any of your family like women?”

The man grunts and says, “Yeah, I just found out that my wife does!”

Holmes And Watson

One day, Holmes and Watson were in the office and Holmes said, “Watson, we need to take some time off work and go on a camping trip.”

“Good Idea,” replied Watson.

So the next day, they trecked through the woods and came to a field. That was where they decided to set up camp. They set up the tent and settled down for the evening.

Late at night Holmes was lying awake looking upward.
Holmes woke up Watson and said, “Watson, look up and tell me what you see.”

“Well,” he replied, “I see lots of stars, they are balls of gas burning billions of miles away.”

“No you dumb shit, someone’s stolen the fu*king tent!”