Duck

Joe died.

Before entering heaven, Joe stopped at the gates. The gate master then told him that here, in heaven, there was only one rule. “Don’t step on the ducks!”

Joe nodded in agreement. This shouldn’t be too hard, right? Well, once inside the gates of heaven, Joe met two men. After conversing with them for quite some time, the three decided to see what would happen if they stepped on a duck. So one of Joe’s friends did, and as soon as it happened, two angels came down and magically cuffed the man to the ugliest woman ever. It was punishment.

A couple weeks later, Joe’s other friend suffered the same fate.

Walking along, one day, Joe was picked up by two angels and cuffed to a glorious, sexy woman who he would gladly go to bed with.

Curiously, he asked. “Why have I been hand cuffed to such a gorgeous woman?”

The woman rolled her eyes and replied.

“I don’t know, I stepped on a duck.”

Lawyer at a Party

A young lawyer is at a party with some of his friends when a girl comes along with a plate of chips.

The girl offers the chips around and everyone in turn takes a chip.

The girl offers the chips around a second time and again everyone takes one.

Finally the girl decides to offer the chips around a third time. Again everyone accepts until she reaches the lawyer.
“What is this!” he says, somewhat bothered “Do you think I’m some kind of food goblin?!”

A BLONDES DEATH

There is a red head a blonde and brunette that were all three sentenced to death.

So, the soldiers all line up and they stick the red head out there. The captain says, “ready, aim, …” and the red head yells, “earthquake”. They all run and the red head gets away.

So, they come back the next day and it’s the brunettes turn to be sentenced for death so the captain for the second time says, “ready, aim, …” and the brunette yells, “tornado”. So, they all run and she gets away.

The third day they came back for the blonde’s turn to die and they got lined up and the captain for the third time yells, “ready, aim, …” and the blonde yells out, “FIRE!!”

Post Turtle

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man (he got his hand caught in a gate while working his cattle), a doctor and the old man were talking about George Dubya being in the White House. The old man said, “Well, ya know, Bush is a post turtle.” Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.

The old man said, “When you’re driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a post turtle. You know he didn’t get there by himself, he doesn’t belong there, he can’t get anything done while he’s up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb thing get down.”