A BLONDES DEATH

There is a red head a blonde and brunette that were all three sentenced to death.

So, the soldiers all line up and they stick the red head out there. The captain says, “ready, aim, …” and the red head yells, “earthquake”. They all run and the red head gets away.

So, they come back the next day and it’s the brunettes turn to be sentenced for death so the captain for the second time says, “ready, aim, …” and the brunette yells, “tornado”. So, they all run and she gets away.

The third day they came back for the blonde’s turn to die and they got lined up and the captain for the third time yells, “ready, aim, …” and the blonde yells out, “FIRE!!”

Post Turtle

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man (he got his hand caught in a gate while working his cattle), a doctor and the old man were talking about George Dubya being in the White House. The old man said, “Well, ya know, Bush is a post turtle.” Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.

The old man said, “When you’re driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a post turtle. You know he didn’t get there by himself, he doesn’t belong there, he can’t get anything done while he’s up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb thing get down.”

The Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas
And all throught the house
Every creature was stirring
Even the mouse
The stockings weren’t hung
They were thrown on a chair
And as for St. Nick
Nobody cared

The tree was all trimmed
With reefer and holly
And all in the house
Were drunk and quite jolly
Mom in the whorehouse
And Dad smokin’ grass
And I’d just settled down
For a nice piece of ass

When out on the lawn
There arose such a clatter
I sprang from my piece
To see what was the matter

When out on the lawn
I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment
It must be St. Nick

He came down the chimney
Like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment
The fucker had fell

He filled all the stockings
With pretzels and beer
And a big rubber dildo
For my brother the queer

He flew back up the chimney
With a thunderous fart
The son-of-a-bitch
Blew my chimney apart

And I heard him exclaim
As he rode out of site
Piss on you all, and have a shitty ass night!!!!!

Married for 50 Years

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.”

“Yeah,” she replied, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”

“I know,” the old man said,

“We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.”

“Well,” Granny snickered, “What do you say, should we get naked?” The two then stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

“You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps. “One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!”

Chocolate Chip Cookies

An elderly woman decided to make chocolate chip cookies for her next-door neighbors. Being that she had very poor eyesight, she grabbed a bag of bullets instead of chocolate chips and poured them in the batter. She went next-door gave the cookies to the mother, who then gave them to her three children. Later that day, one child went up to the mother and said, “Mommy, mommy, there’s a bullet in the toilet!” The mother told her not to worry about it, she’ll take it out later. A few minutes after, the second child went to the mother and exclaimed that she also had found a bullet in the toilet. Again the mother said she would take care of it. Lastly, the third child approached the mother saying, “Mommy, mommy!” “Lemme guess, there’s a bullet in the toilet?,” interrupted the mother. “No,” said the child, “I just farted and I shot the dog!”

Good Engineering Lasts Forever!

There has been the contention that the US railroad gauge is NOT the same as the English, but the story is still very humorous.

The U.S. standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That is an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that’s the way they built them in England, and the U.S. railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English build them that way? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used.

Why did “they” use that gauge? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

So why did the wagons have that particular odd spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that was the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe (and England) were built by Imperial Rome for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads? The ruts in the roads, which everyone had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels, were first formed by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The U.S. standard railroad gauge of 4 feet-8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse’s ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back end of two war horses.

Thus we have the answer to the original question. Now for the twist to the story. When we see a space shuttle sitting on it’s launching pad, there are two booster rockets attached to the side of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB’s. The SRB’s are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRB’s might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB’s had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses’ rumps.

So, a major design feature of what is arguably the worlds most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse’s ass!

Don’t you just love engineering?