Bus Load of Nuns

They are all in Heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first Nun, “Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?” The Nun giggles and slyly replies, “Well once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.”

St. Peter says, “OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate.”

St. Peter asks the next Nun the same question, “Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?” The nun is a little reluctant but replies, “Well once I fondled and stroked one.”

St. Peter says “OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate.”

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of Nuns, one Nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says “Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush?”

The Nun replies, “If I’m going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!!”

Night With Two 18 Year Olds

An elderly man goes into the confessional and tells the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven grandchildren. Last night I had an affair and made love to two eighteen year old girls. I did it twice with each of them!”

The priest replies, “Well my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”

“Never Father, I’m Jewish.”

“So why are you telling me?” asks the priest.

“Are you kidding,” exclaims the old man, “I’m telling everybody!”

Hot Pooch …

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.”

“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”

Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. “Two dogs, please,” she says.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs.”

One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, “What part did you get?”

Hockey

Two women were at a bar. ESPN was on the television. One said, “You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love.”

“If that were true,” said the other woman looking up at the TV, “then it would certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!”

Washing Machine for $5

A man goes into a store and starts looking around. He sees a washer and dryer, but there is no price listed on them. He asks the salesperson, “How much is the washer and dryer?”

“Five dollars for both of them,” the sales guy says.

“Yeah right, you’ve got to be kidding me!” the man says.

“No, that’s the price,” the sales guy says, “Do you want to buy them or not?”

“Yeah, I’ll take them,” the man says. The man continues to look around and he sees a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. “How much?” he asks.

“Five dollars for the system,” the sales guy says.

“Is it stolen?” the guy asks.

“No,” says the salesman, “It’s brand new, do you want it or not?”

“Yes,” the guy says. He looks around some more. Next he finds a top-of-the-line computer with printer and monitor. “How much?” he asks.

“Five dollars,” the salesman says. “I’ll take that too!” the man says.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asks him, “Why are your prices so cheap?”

The salesman says, “Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife. What he’s doing to her, I’m doing to his business.”

Top 16 Signs Your Mate is Cheating

16. Carpools with Divine Brown.
15. Motel 6 names him “Customer of the Year.”
14. Mysterious phone calls in the middle of the night from some guy named “President Bill.”
13. You intercept a love note signed by all of the Oakland Raiders.
12. That naked guy standing in the corner pretending to be a hat rack isn’t fooling anyone.
11. Starts buying those lame excuses you give when you get home late from your mistress’s house.
10. Glenn Close speeds by your house every twenty minutes.
9. Models new lingerie, saying, “If you were my lover, would this turn you on?”
8. The smell of Brut is all over her, and you’re strictly an Old Spice man.
7. Asks you how you would feel about appearing on “Jenny Jones”.
6. Every night: comes home late, carves another notch in the bedpost and giggles himself to sleep.
5. The cat has that “I know something that you don’t know” look.
4. Amy Fisher shoots you in the head.
3. Closet full of Gideon Bibles.
2. Michael Irvin called her as a character witness.
1. Raoul the pool-boy is always hanging around, and you have NO pool!

What Am I?

It’s two o’clock in the morning and a husband and wife are asleep, when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and says, “Hello?… How the hell do I know? What am I, the weather man?” and promptly slams the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, “Who was that?” The husband replies, “I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.”