The Couple

A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”

The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.

Extra Boob

After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve.

“How is everything going, Eve?” He asked.

“It is all so beautiful, God,” she replied. “The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells … the sights … everything is wonderful. I just have this one problem. It’s these three breasts you’ve given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they’re a real bother,” Eve said.

“That’s a fair point,” replied God, “But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave animals what, six? So I just figured you’d need at least half that many. But I see that you are right. I’ll fix that up right away!”

God reaches down and removes the middle breast, tossing it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden. “Well, Eve, how’s my favorite creation today?” He asked.

“Fantastic, except for one small oversight on your part,” she replied. “You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone.”

God thought for a moment. “You know, Eve, you’re right. How could I have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you.”

“Now, let’s see … where did I leave that useless boob?”

The Check Up

A fortyish woman was naked and jumping up and down on her bed, laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her for a while and says, “You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you are doing?”

She says, “I just had my check-up and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year old.” She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says, “Yeah, right, and what did he say about your 41 year old ass?”

“Your name never came up” she replied.

Minister’s Baby

The new minister’s wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family.

The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it.

When the next child arrived, the minister appealed again and the congregation approved again.

Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expense. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister. Finally, the minister stood and shouted out, “Having children is an act of God!”

An older man in the back stood and shouted back, “Rain and snow are acts of God, too, and we wear rubbers for them.”

Blind Blonde

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb black belt and blonde. The guy sitting next to me is 6’2″, weighs 225 pounds and he’s a rugby player and blonde. The fella to your right is 6’5″ pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler and blonde. Think about it, Mister.

You still wanna tell that joke?”

The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

Christmas Dinner

A family was sitting down to Christmas dinner when suddenly there’s a knock on the door so the father get’s up to answer it. He open’s the door and this snail asks him if he has anything for Christmas.

“No” replies the father and he kicks the snail down the street.

The following year the same thing happens, so the father opens the door and the snail says to him, “What did you do that for?”

Owners Guide For Cats

Cats are beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent creatures. And with a little love and caring, they can keep a human being alive for upwards of seventy to eighty years. If you follow these simple instructions, you can have your human house trained in no time.

CLEANLINESS: For some reasons, humans seem to enjoy immersing themselves in running water. Attempts to get humans to lick themselves clean have proven interesting, if unproductive.

COMMUNICATION: Humans are unable to speak a proper language. Therefore, you should communicate a point loudly, repeatedly, and if at all possible, at about three in the morning. Any attempts at human-to-cat communication can be dealt with by simply ignoring it until it stops.

FEEDING: Morning feeding should start promptly when your human is fast asleep, preferably three or four minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off. Recommended methods of waking your human include: sitting on its face, screaming in its ear, and biting its hair.

MATING: Human mating behavior is fascinating. Unfortunately, humans tend to get easily spooked by prolonged study of courtship rituals, and resort to shoe-throwing behavior.

TOILET TRAINING: A human’s natural tendency is to not change your litter box. Although experts in human behavior believe it can be attributed to the “laziness reflex,” this can be easily corrected through what is called “shoe therapy.” Just remember that a human shoe looks a lot like a human toilet, and you should be fine.

Following these simple tips is the first step towards a long and productive cat/human relationship.

Human Resources Memo

TO: All Employees
FROM: Human Resources
SUBJECT: Foul Language
DATE: February 28, 2000

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals through out the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of “TRY SAYING” new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be shitting me!

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with …
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: Of course I’m concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It’s not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won’t work.

TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?

TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I’m on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!

TRY SAYING: I don’t think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don’t give a shit.

TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He’s a prick.

TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She’s a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing.

Thank You,
Human Resources

The Blonde House Painter

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is o.k.

She replies, “Yes.”

He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said …

“FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.”

3-D Image

Try this. It’s pretty cool. Try not to cheat and look at the answer. Stare at the following and see if you can find the hidden image.

Get as close to your monitor as possible then slowly pull away. You’ll be quite amazed when it comes into view.

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||||||@@@@@444+=+=****&^”””””””}}}}}}}]]]]]]]<<<<<<<%%
=/////////^^!~~~~~::—))))*****+++@@@@@@@@<%

===]]?????///////*****<<<<<<<{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}%%%%~~~~~

$$$$$&&$$===~!~!~!~!=====++(*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*)———-%%%%

Remember what you saw and scroll down to the bottom for the answer. If you had trouble and didn't see it, try getting close to the screen, even placing your nose on the screen, and slightly blur your eyes for about 30 seconds, that usually helps people to see it. Scroll down to compare the answer to what you saw.

It's NOTHING, you idiot, get back to work. I can't believe you fell for that one. I hope someone walked by and witnessed you with your nose on your monitor!