So this lady is stopped by a police officer. He asks to see her license.
She says, “Certainly, officer” and gets it out for him. He checks it out. “Lady, the license says you need corrective lenses!”
“Officer,” she replies, “I have contacts!”
“Look, lady, I don’t care WHO you know in City Hall, you’re supposed to be wearing glasses!”
Q: Did you hear about the Italian Chef that died? It’s so sad …
A: He pasta way.
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
“Where are you hurting?”, asked the Dr. “You have to help me, I hurt all over,” she said.
“All over? Be a little more specific” said the Doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled. “Ouch, that hurts.” Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “That hurts, too.”
Then she touched her right earlobe, “That even hurts” she cried.
The Doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, “Are you a natural blonde?”
“Why, yes,” she said.
“I thought so,” said the doctor, “You have a broken finger.”
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a “professional”.
Scroll down for the answer. The questions are not that difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is:
Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
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2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong Answer:
Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.
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3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer :
The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator.
This tests your memory.
OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions, correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.
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4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles.
How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting!
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
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According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong.
But many preschoolers got several correct answers.
Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.
The plane’s cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and said to the passengers, “Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super.”
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that one woman hadn’t moved a muscle. “Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.”
She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one.”
“Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, Bitch.”
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.
He’s going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, “OK jerk, I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person … because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large … all in the name of humor.”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, “You stay out of this mister, I’m talking to that little bastard on your knee!”
An elderly couple had a happy marriage and what made it so very good was that they had invented a phrase to describe the act of love, so that there was never any vulgarity in their talk. Their metaphor for the act of love was “Doing the Laundry.”
One day when Cora Jean, the wife, was vacuuming the living room, Tom Sam, the husband, was watching her with great interest. She was bending over to get dirt from the corners of the room, and stretching up to get dust from the tall lamps. Tom Sam was watching with great interest.
Then Tom Sam said to Cora Jean, “Darling, how about if we do a little laundry?”
Cora Jean said, with reluctance, “Sweetheart, I just have to get this house ready for our guests this weekend.” So then she continued her cleaning, and Tom Sam went off about his business.
That night when they went to bed, Cora Jean said, “Sweetheart, what about that laundry you mentioned earlier?”
To which Tom Sam said, “Darling, I just had a small load, so I decided to do it by hand.”
Q: Why is President Clinton so reluctant to decide the fate Elian Gonzalez?
A: Because last time he made a decision about where to put a Cuban he was almost removed from office.
One fella without arms and legs is knocking at a brothel door.
A guy open the door and ask him, “Hey man. What are you doing here, in a brothel, with no arms and legs?”
The fella answers him, “With what do you believe I’ve just knocked?”
A man was being interviewed for a job. “Were you in the service?” ask the interviewer.
“Yes, I was a marine,” responded the applicant.
“Did you see any active duty?” He was asked.
“I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability.”
“May I ask what happened?” he was asked.
“Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles.” The marine said.
“You’re hired. You can start Monday at 10 am.”
“When does everyone else start? I don’t want any preferential treatment because of my disability.” The marine said.
“Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first.”