The New Tattoo

A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, “Where the hell have you been?”

“I was out getting a tattoo.”

“A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?”

“I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis.”

What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your penis?”

“Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow … Number two, once in a while, I like to play with my money … And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.”

Golfing Sales

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.”

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I’m in sales also. What do you sell?”

She replied, “If I tell you, you’ll laugh.

“No, I won’t.”

“Well, if you must know,” she answered, “I work for Tampax.” With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, “See I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m still a hole behind you.”

God Will Provide

A young woman brings her fiance home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man, so the father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.

“So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man. “I am a Torah scholar,” he replies. “A Torah scholar. Hmmm,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?”

“I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”

“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father. “I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.”

“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?”

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?”, and the father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”

Chemical Plant Fire

A fire starts inside a chemical plant, and the alarm goes out to fire departments for miles around.

After crews have been fighting the fire for more than an hour, the company president approaches the fire chief and says, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine crew that brings them out!” Several crews try, but none can get through.

Suddenly a hook and ladder filled with a volunteer squad of men over 65 comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other firefighters watch, unbelieving, as the old-timers hop off their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas.

The company president beams as he walks over to reward the volunteers. “What do you guys plan to do with the money?” he asks after he writes them out a check.

The old guy who drove the engine looks him in the eye and answers, “The first thing we’re going to do is fix the d#@* brakes on that truck.”

Corrective Lenses

So this lady is stopped by a police officer. He asks to see her license.

She says, “Certainly, officer” and gets it out for him. He checks it out. “Lady, the license says you need corrective lenses!”

“Officer,” she replies, “I have contacts!”

“Look, lady, I don’t care WHO you know in City Hall, you’re supposed to be wearing glasses!”

Natural Blonde?

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

“Where are you hurting?”, asked the Dr. “You have to help me, I hurt all over,” she said.

“All over? Be a little more specific” said the Doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled. “Ouch, that hurts.” Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “That hurts, too.”

Then she touched her right earlobe, “That even hurts” she cried.

The Doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, “Are you a natural blonde?”

“Why, yes,” she said.

“I thought so,” said the doctor, “You have a broken finger.”

Are You Qualified To Be A “Professional”

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a “professional”.

Scroll down for the answer. The questions are not that difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is:
Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.

This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

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2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Wrong Answer:
Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

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3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer :
The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator.

This tests your memory.

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions, correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

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4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles.

How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting!

This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

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According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong.

But many preschoolers got several correct answers.

Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.