Grown Up Words

Some kindergartner students had moved up to the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer. The first little one said he went to see his Nana.

The teacher said, “No, No, you went to see your grandmother.” Use the grown up word.

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo.

The teacher again said, “No, No, you went on a trip on a train.” That’s the grown up word.

Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read.

He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, “Winnie the Shit.”

Camel Marathon Winner

During an interview, the camel marathon champion was asked how he got an extra two to three days out of his camels in between watering holes.

“Oh, you wait until they almost fill up with water and then walk around back and slap two bricks around his testicles. Doing that makes them drink more water deeply and quickly on top of what they usually drink.”

“But—but doesn’t that HURT?”

“Only if you get your fingers caught in between the bricks.”

Captain’s Red Shirt

There was a captain of a war ship. While on lookout, he got news he would be under attack by another ship. He told his second in command to get him his red shirt. So, he quickly got him his red shirt. The next day, there were 10 ships attacking, and he told his second in command to get him his red shirt.

After days of fighting, his second in command finally asked him, why he wore his red shirt. The captain told him, that if he got shot, no one would see the blood.

One day, he was under attack by 100 ships, and his second in command asked if he wanted his red shirt, and he said, “NO, get me my brown pants!”

A Parrot Named Moses

A burglar broke into a house one night. He flashed his flashlight around, looking for valuables. When he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange voice echoed from the dark saying, “Jesus is watching YOU.” He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a little while, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next score, and then clicked the light back on, and began searching again for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching YOU.”

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.

“Yep,” the parrot confessed, and then squawked, “I’m trying to warn you.”

The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who are you?”

“Moses,” replied the parrot.

“Moses,” the burglar laughed. “What kind of stupid people would name a parrot MOSES?”

The parrot replied, “Probably the same kind of stupid people that would name a Rotweiller JESUS.”

Ticket Excuse

A man in his 50’s bought a new Boxter and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him “There’s no way they can catch a Boxter,” he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100 … Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What the hell am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

“It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy having been in marketing and sales for years thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

“Have a nice weekend” said the officer.

Mental Health Recording

A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental Health Institute:

“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are an obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line while we trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press-no-one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 984764132184. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother’s maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self esteem. Please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.”

Royal Battle

There were three Medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had been fighting over for years.

Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight.

The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had 5 squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food.

The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle.

At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.

When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms.

Thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

Men Are Like …

… Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.

… Blenders.
You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.

… Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

… Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

… Commercials.
You can’t believe a word they say.

… Computers.
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

… Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

… Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.

… Curling Irons.
They’re always hot, and they’re always in your hair.

… Government Bonds.
They take so long to mature.

… Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

… Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

… Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

… Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

… Parking Spots.
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.

Fantasy World

Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, “What was your most difficult case?”

The other replied, “I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years.”

“What was the result?”

“It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!”