Q: Did you hear about the gay rabbit?
A: He found a hare up his ass.
Headache Cure
A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he’s referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, “I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and …”
He is interrupted by the doctor, “And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear.”
“Yes! Exactly! How did you know?”
“Well I am the world’s greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral gratification. When she reached her peak, she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes.”
Two weeks go by and the man is back, “Well, how do you feel?” the doctor asked.
“Doc, I’m a new man! I feel great! I haven’t had a headache since I started this treatment! I can’t thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home.”
Gravely Gift
One year, a particular harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
Blonde Therapy
A very well-built young blonde was lying on her psychiatrist’s couch, telling him how frustrated she was. “I tried to be an actress and failed,” she complained. “I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too.”
The shrink thought for a moment and said … “Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don’t you try nursing?” The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says … “Well go ahead, I’ll give it a try!”
Blonde Vacation
My blonde cousin was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that read, “DISNEYLAND LEFT.”
After thinking for a minute, she said to herself, “Oh, well!” and turned around and drove home.
Keys Locked in Car
A colleague had left work, started driving off, and remembered he’d left his jacket in the office. He stopped the car, locked the door, and ran back to the office to get the jacket.
When he returned to his car, he realised that he’s locked the keys inside the car, and lights were on and the engine was ticking over. He ran back to the office for help.
His car was a Ford Fiesta, which could be opened in seconds with a piece of packing tape (I knew, because I had the same model).
As it happened, we’d had a delivery that day, and there was packing tape all over. I picked up a length, and went with him to the car. I had the door open in seconds. My colleague, who wasn’t the quickest brain on the planet, was mightily impressed.
“Do you mind if I keep that?” he asked.
“Sure,” I said, “it’s only a bit of rubbish.”
“Great,” he replied. “I’ll keep it in the glove compartment in case I do that again!”
Sick of Blonde Jokes
Well, there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals.
Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, “I’ve had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do … I memorized all the state capitals.”
One of the guys, of course, said “I don’t believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?”
“N.” she answered.
White Wedding
A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question. “Mom, why are wedding dresses white?” The mother looks at her son and replies, “Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure.” The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
“Dad why are wedding dresses white?” The father looks at his son in surprise and says, “Son, all household appliances come in white.”
Vanity Plates
10SNE1 ;tennis, anyone?
14U2C ;One for you to see (“Sky-Hi” Toyota 4wd)
1GOTO1 ;Silicon Valley License plate
2DBCH ;To the Beach!
2ED4ED ;Certainly Ed owns the car
2GOOD4U ;on a cheap oldsmobile
2HSPRN ;2 required at bed time?
2QIK4U ;RX-7
3NON ;Read this upside-down
4GETIT ;on a black TA driven by a married lady!!!
4SURE ;fer shure
55N-UP ;55mph and up
6 KIDS ;on a Chevy Suburban in UTAH
9FOFO ;9 four four, on a Porsche 944
A 4X4X8 ;on a Honda
A-SLAAB ;on a Saab
ALICE ;on a white Rabbit
ASLAAB ;on a Saab
AU YLOKS ;(Goldilocks)
BAA BAA ;Baa Baa ‘on a ‘ Black Jeep
BCNU2 ;Be seeing you too
BEACHN ;Beaching!
BESIDES ;Sideline beekeeper
BEYOND ;On a ‘blue’ plymouth ‘HORIZON’, Beyond the horizon
BIG BUX ;on a Ferrari 308
BIRDIE ;Driven by good looking lady from New Zealand
BKEEPR ;Bee keeper
BY YALL ;on a Porsche 911
BYE-BYE ;on a Porsche 911 Turbo
BYMYHNY ;Buy my honey, a beekeeper
CAR BUF ;on a car owned by Bill Buff
CLICHE ;on a BMW!
CME4DK ;See me for decay, on a dentist’s car.
CRAY Z ;Crazy
CULATR ;See you Later,
DAD IOU ;on a Trans Am
DNTSMKE ;Don’t smoke
DUTY ;for a Honda ‘Civic Duty’
DUTY ;for an Audi, ‘Audi Duty’
DV-DT ;on a Honda Civic Si
E FUDD ;A bugs bunny fan
FIT2SKI ;Fit to ski
FLEWBYU ;flew by you (this was on a Corvette)
FORDBBQ ;on a ford pinto
FRAUD ;on a Porsche 911 “Carerra”
FUNHOG ;seen in Montana
GO4IT ;Go for it!
GONSNO ;on an 85 Jeep CJ-7
GR8LAKE ;Great Lake(s)
GR8SPCL ;Great Specials
GSNDHT ;Gesundheit, on an Isuzu
GUT-SEE ;on a Porsche 911 Turbo
HIHO AG ;hi ho silver!
HITECH ;High Technology
I SK8 ;I skate/ice skate
I12BNZC ;I want to be in the Sea, a diver
I8NY ;stolen from a Gary larson Cartoon
IAML8 ;I am late on a white rabbit
IAMYY4U ;I am too wise for you
IB2BAD ;I Be too bad
IBCNU ;I’ll be seeing ya!
ICU812 ;I see you ate one too!
IMA10 ;I’m a 10!
IMATEN ;I’m a 10!
IMB4U ;I’m before you!
IMEZRU ;I’m a zuru
INYORI ;In Your Eye…
IOAA ;(I owe AA)
IONO1 ;I owe no one
IX XIV ;on a Porsche 914
IXIVIV ;on a Porsche 944
KPOOM ;on a small car
LEMON ;on a late model Mustang convertible
LUV DAD ;on a convertible 86 Z-28
MAGIC ;on a Corvette
MINE ;on a Lincoln Town car
MY CAR ;at least now we know who owns that car…
MY DEBT ;on a New York car
MYREVNG ;My Revenge (Divorcee)
MYZRATI ;Seen on a Mazerati in San Jose
NICE EH ;on a REALLY beat up car
NOBODY ;on a Rolls Royce
NOBRKS ;no brakes!
NONE ;Funny when this one is on paper (registration,tickets,etc)
NOPLATE ;Funny when on paper
NOT FAT ;on a RX7 (woman owned)
NOT HOT ;on a Porsche 924
NRVOUS ;on a red porsche 911 (he was driving cautiously)
NTOTO2 ;And toto too
OBJET ;on a Dodge Dart
OHGOOD ;You say this when you are buried in traffic
OK DIE ;on a NH ‘Live free or Die’ automobile.
OMEGA1 ;on a Jaguar Xj6
PAWSH ;on a Porsche
POORSCH ;on an RX-7 Turbo
RACN ;Racing
RARE ;on a 55 Chevy
REBOS ;(sober, backwards)
REDDVL ;on a 911 turbo
RU4REAL ;Are you for real?
RUAG8D8 ;Are you a great date?
RUBZ ;Are you busy?
RUBZ2NT ;Are you busy tonite?
RUMRS2 ;Are you Mrs 2? (on a Toyota Mr2)
RUNVUS ;Are you envious?
STOP ;Get the message?
STORK1 ;on an Obstetrician’s Mercedes
SWTPEA ;on a green Porsche 911
THANXDAD ;well, what can I say?
TIN CAN ;on a Toyota
TOFLY ;on a late model Olds 442
TWEETY ;on a yello 57 Thunderbird
U LOSE ;on a Mustang GT
UCLAFOX ;on a Woman’s 280ZX
UNIXINU ;Unix, forwards and backwards
UNV ME ;You envy me
UR2LOW ;on a Jacked up 69 Camaro 4WD + Lift kit
UWANT12 ;You want one too?
VAN GO ;for a vanpool
VANITY ;plain and simple
W8LFTR ;Weightlifter
WAS HIS ;After a divorce, on a jaguar
WHOCARZ ;Who Cares?
WHOOSH ;on a porsche
WHORU ;Who are you?
XXXXXX ;on a Mercedes
XYZZY ;Seen on an Ohio car, a magic word in Adventure
YOT YM ;My toy, backwards
ZPDUDA ;Zippity doo dah….
Girl Chasing
Q: Did you hear about the girl chasing the boy around the church?
A: She caught him by the organ!