Bar Room Conversation

“First,” said the good looking man, “I’m going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose.”

“Oh no you’re not,” said the beautiful blonde girl.

“Then I’ll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks.” He went on to say.

“Oh no you’re not.” replied the blonde firmly.

“Then I’ll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks.”

“Oh no you’re not.” She adamantly countered.

“Then I’m going to make mad, passionate love to you.”

“Oh no you’re not” she stubbornly retorted.

“And I’m not going to wear a condom either!” said the hadsome guy.

“Oh yes you are!” said the girl.

AWOL

As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL, so a search party was dispatched immediately.

After a few hours, the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes nearby. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor’s office.

The instructor asked the young recruit, “Why did you go AWOL?”

The recruit replied, “On my first day here, you issued me a comb and then proceeded to cut my hair off. On the second day, you issued me a toothbrush and then sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull out my teeth. Finally, on the third day, you issued me a jock strap … and I wasn’t about to wait around to find out what would follow that, Sir.”

The Traffic Stop

A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab.

Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked, “Did I just see you swallow something?”

“Yep, that was my birth control pill” said the driver.

“Birth control pill?” asked the patrolman.

“Yep, when I saw your flashing light, I knew I was screwed.”

Motor Mechanic Class

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So he found out from his local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all he could. Time for the practical exam came around and he prepared carefully and completed the exam. When the results came back, he was surprised to find he had obtained a mark of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting.”

The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the exhaust pipe!”

Real Headlines

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Teachers Strike Idle Kids

Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Deer Kill 17,000

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Dating and Marriage

When you are dating … Farting is never an issue
When you are married … You make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband … at all times

When you are dating … He takes you out to have a good time
When you are married … He brings home a 6 pack, and says “What are you going to drink?”

When you are dating … He holds your hand in public
When you are married … He flicks your ear in public

When you are dating … A Single bed for 2 isn’t THAT bad
When you are married … A King size bed feels like an army cot

When you are dating … You are turned on at the sight of him naked
When you are married … You think to yourself … “Was he ALWAYS this hairy?”

When you are dating … You enjoyed foreplay
When you are married … You tell him “If we have sex, will you leave me alone?”

When you are dating … He hugs you, when he walks by you … for no reason
When you are married … He grabs your boob any chance he gets

When you are dating … You picture the two of you together, growing old together
When you are married … You wonder who will die first

When you are dating … Just looking at him makes you feel all mushy”
When you are married … When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating … He knows what the “hamper” is
When you are married … The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area

When you are dating … He understands if you “aren’t in the mood”
When you are married … He says “It’s your job.”

When you are dating … He understands that you have “male” friends
When you are married … He thinks they are all out to steal you away

When you are dating … He likes to “discuss” things
When you are married … He develops a “blank” stare

When you are dating … He calls you by name
When you are married … He calls you “Hey” and refers to you when speaking to others as “She.”

The 10th Child

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and softly says to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now, I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have hoped for, and your answer cannot take that away. But I must know, did he have a different father?”

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She paused for a moment, then she said, “Yes, yes he did.”

The old man was shaken. The reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he expected.

With a tear in his eye, he asked, “Who?, Who was he? Who was the father?”

Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first, as she tried to muster the courage to tell her husband the truth.

Then, finally, she says, “You.”

What Did Santa Say?

It was with particular urgency that little Johnny dragged his mother to the toy department of a big Sydney department store at Christmas.

Mother quickly steered Johnny into the line of children waiting to talk to Santa, but Johnny was far more interested in the hobby horse. As soon as his mother relaxed her vigilance for a moment, Johnny vanished from the Santa Queue and began rocking back and forth on the hobby horse.

His mother noticed his absence, and after a quick, frantic search, spotted him on the horse. She let him rock for a few minutes, then told him it was time to get off. Johnny ignored her. She began to beg; Johnny paid no attention. She began to make promises of chocolates, etc., if only Johnny would get off the hobby horse. He stuck his nasty little tongue out at her.

Then Santa himself, who had been watching this little family drama out of the corner of his eye, stepped over and said to Johnny’s mother, “Perhaps I can persuade your son to co-operate.”

“I doubt that,” said the mother, “But you’re welcome to try.”

Santa, with a big smile, whispered quietly into Johnny’s ear. Johnny’s eyes grew very large, he quickly slid off the horse and took his mother’s hand.

Together, with no fuss, they left the store. As they drove home, Mama asked Johnny what Santa had whispered to him. Johnny was silent. Mama began offering bribes (toys and Chocolate cake) if Johnny would only tell Mama what Santa’s words were.

Johnny turned pale and wouldn’t utter a word. What had Santa said?

Johnny’s mother was determined to find out. She had never been able to get the kid to obey that easily, and decided it was worth a great deal of effort on her part to discover what magic Santa Claus had used on Johnny. She continued to bribe him with a soft voice and much cajolery, and Johnny’s stubborn streak finally faded. What did Santa say?

Johnny now answered: “He said, ‘Listen, you little son of a bitch, if you don’t climb your ass the hell down off that horse right this second, I’m going to kick the living piss out of you!'”

Today’s Stock Report

Helium was up, feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remained unchanged.

Sailboats stayed at an even keel while powerboats weathered the storm.

PWC’s buzzed to new heights.

The market for raisins dried up.

The soft drink industry fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

And Scott tissue touched a new bottom.