10 Reasons Santa must be a Computer System Administrator

1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.

2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.

3. Santa seldom answers your mail.

4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he’s got, he says, “Elves make it for me.”

5. Santa doesn’t care about your deadlines.

6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.

7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.

8. Santa laughs entirely too much.

9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.

10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.

Questionable Questions

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

I don’t have a solution, but I admire your problem.

If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is a fog horn made out of?

If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead”?

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Since some Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?

Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to “cure” it?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?

Whatever happened to Absorbine Senior?

Life’s Little Axioms

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

He’s always late. His ancestors arrived on the June Flower.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Ink Blot Test

A fellow is lying on the couch undergoing a test by the psychiatrist.

The shrink creates a blot of ink on a piece of paper, then holds it up for the patient to see, then asks, “What do you see?”

The patient says, “I see a nude woman.”

The shrink creates another ink blot picture, then holds it up to the patient to see, and again asks, “Now, what do you see?”

The patient says, “I see a nude woman.”

Finally, the shrink makes another picture and asks, “NOW, what do you see?”

The patient says, “I see a nude woman.”

The shrink puts his ink and paper to one side and says, “Well, I think I know what your problem is: you simply have a dirty mind.”

And the patient says, “YOU’RE the one showing me all those dirty pictures!”

Chet the Parrot

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The manager tells him he has just what he’s looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas Carols.

He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn’t seem to be much for singing.

The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The pet store manager lights the lighter and holds it under Chet’s left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing “Silent Night.”

The man becomes very impressed with Chet’s singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet’s right foot. Chet now starts singing “Jingle Bells.”

The man says that Chet is perfect and that he’ll take him.

He rushes home to his wife, and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain his special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet’s left foot and the bird sings “Silent Night” again. He then moves the lighter under Chet’s right foot and again Chet lets loose with a round of “Jingle Bells.”

The wife is terribly impressed, and with a mischievous grin, asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet’s legs instead.

Curious the husband moves the lit lighter between the bird’s legs, and the bird begins to sing …

Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire.

Nickel or a Dime?

There’s a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Alley’s Grocery Store. I don’t know what Junior’s problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.

To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it’s bigger. One day I was there when they did that, and after Junior grabbed the nickel, Lamar and I got him off to one side and said, “Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don’t know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it’s bigger, or what?”

He looked at Lamar and me and said, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d quit doing it!”

Shingles

More and more doctors are running their practices like an assembly line. One fella walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.” So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles”. So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history, and told him to wait in an examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said “Shingles.” So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.”

The doctor said, “Where?”

He said, “Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?”

What NOT To Say To Your Girlfriend’s Parents

1) My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.

2) Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?

3) Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?

4) Can you believe it those shitheads at the corner market won’t cash my welfare check!

5) We’re going to keep our relationship quiet for now, my wife can be rather vindictive at times.

6) Those home pregnancy kits aren’t very reliable in my opinion.

7) Sara is so pretty I’ve decided to give up being bisexual just for her.

8) Nice place you got here, that painting looks expensive, I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn’t it?

9) There ain’t nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara’s will be okay too.

10) Can I pull my car in your garage? I’m not sure how long that cop car will stay lost …

Blonde Beautys

Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A: “Look! They spelled MACY’S wrong!”

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said “concentrate.”

Q: Why can’t blondes take coffee breaks?
A: They’re too hard to retrain.

Q: What do you call nine blondes standing in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

Q: Why can’t blondes be pharmacists?
A: Because they can’t fit the bottle in the typewriter.

Q: What’s the definition of eternity?
A: Four blondes at a 4-way stop.

Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean?
A: An air pocket.

Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar

Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: “This goes in front”

Q: Why did the blonde have bruises on her belly button?
A: Cause some guys are blonde, too.

And the best one for last …

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: “OH, LOOK!! Donut seeds!!”