If Operating Systems Ran Airlines

DOS Airlines

Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then jumps on and lets the plane coast until it hits the ground again, then push again, jump on again and so on.

DOS with QEMM Airlines

The same thing but with more leg room to push.

MAC Airlines

All the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers and ticket agents look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are told you don’t need to know, don’t want to know, and everything will be done for you without you having to know, so just shut up.

OS/2 Airlines

To board the plane, you have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form showing where you want to sit and whether it should look and feel like an ocean liner, a passenger train, or a bus. If you succeed in getting on board the plane and the plane succeeds in getting off the ground, you have a wonderful trip … except times when the rudder and flaps get frozen in position, in which case you have time to say your prayers and get yourself prepared before the crash.

WINDOWS Airlines

The airport terminal is nice and colourful, with friendly stewards and stewardesses, easy access to the plane, and an uneventful takeoff … then the plane blows up without warning whatsoever.

NT Airlines

Everyone marches out on the runway, says the password in unison and forms the outline of a plane. Then they all sit down and make a whooshing sound like they’re flying.

UNIX Airlines

Everyone brings one piece of the plane with them when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they are building.

Knowing It All

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small “x” in chalk on a
particular component of the machine and proudly stated, “This is where your problem is.”

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.

They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark: $1
Knowing where to put it: $49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired (again) in peace.

I Found It!

There were two old fellows who were chatting. Suddenly one of them asked, “What in the world is that sticking out of your right ear?”

The other, with a puzzled look, said, “I dunno”, and reached up pulling out the object, then exclaimed, “My word, a suppository!”

Then he slapped his forehead and excitedly declared, “Now I know what I did with my hearing aid.”

Aliens and the Gas Pump

Two Aliens land in Detroit, next to a Gas station. The Aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the Gas pump. The two Aliens approach. The first one says “Earthling take me to your leader!”

He gets no response. The first Alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again. “Earthling, I said Take me to your leader!”

Still no response. The first Alien then turns to the second and says “If this Earthling doesn’t show me some respect I’m going to blast him!” The second Alien replies “O.K. but, I’m just going to stand down on the next block.” The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time. “Earthling take me to your leader!”

No response. The Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the pump. After the explosion the Alien gets up dusts himself off then goes down the block to his buddy, He then says to the second Alien “If you knew that was going to happen why didn’t you warn me?”

The second replies, “I didn’t know what was going to happen, but I’m not going to mess with anyone who’s penis can hang to the ground, wrap around his body twice, and still stick it in his ear!”

I’m Jesus

A drunk is sitting on the street curb in front of a bar. A stranger comes buy and asks if he’s O.K.

The drunk replies by asking, “Do you know who I am?” The stranger says, “No. Who are you?”

The drunk proudly says, “I’m Jesus Christ … and I can prove it! Come with me!”

They enter the bar and the bartender looks up and yells, “Jesus Christ! Are you here again?”

Bumper Snickers

Constipated people don’t give a crap.

Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.

Please tell your pants it’s not polite to point.

If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive a little better.

Thank you for pot smoking.

If at first you don’t succeed … blame someone else and seek counseling.

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying, “No Hard Feelings”.

If you can read this, I’ve lost my trailer.

The earth is full – Go home

I have the body of a God … Buddha

So many pedestrians – So little time

Cleverly disguised as a Responsible Adult

Honk if anything falls off

He who hesitates is not only lost … but miles from the next exit

Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?

I haven’t lost my mind, it’s backed up on disk somewhere

Body by Nautilus; Brain by Mattel

Boldly going nowhere

Don’t be sexist – Broads hate that

Heart attacks … God’s revenge for eating His animal friends

Honk if you’ve never seen an Uzi fired from a car window

How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets

Saw it … Wanted it … Had a fit … Got it!

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.

Funeral Procession

A man was leaving a 7-11 with his morning coffee and newspaper when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him were 200 men walking single file.

The guy couldn’t stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, “Sir, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”

The man replied “Well, that first hearse is for my wife.”

“What happened to her?”

The man replied, “My dog attacked and killed her.”

He inquired further, “Well, who is in the second hearse?”

The man answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.”

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

“Sir, could I borrow that dog?”

“Get in line.”

A Penis

When Charles De Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.

At the dinner table the Ambassador’s wife was talking with Madame De Gaulle.

“Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?”

“A penis,” replied Madame De Gaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer … and no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, “Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, ‘appiness!'”

Coffee and a Blow Job

The Pilot of the plane has just finished his announcements about how high the plane is, etc. He forgets to turn off the intercom system and says to his co-pilot, “Right about now I could really use a good blow job and a cup of coffee.”

The whole plane hears it and a stewardess rushes from the back of the plane to tell the pilot the intercom is still on. As she rushes by, one of the passengers says, “Don’t forget the coffee!”