Halloween

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP … BUMP … BUMP … behind him.

Walking faster he looks back and makes our the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him … BUMP … BUMP … BUMP …

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him … faster … faster … BUMP … BUMP … BUMP.

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping … clappity-BUMP … clappity-BUMP … clappity-BUMP … on the heals of the terrified man.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything … but all he can find is a box of cough drops!

Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin …

… and of course, … the coffin stops!

Golf Death

Harry got home from his round of golf later than normal and very tired. “Bad day at the course?” his wife asked him.

“Everything was going fine,” he said. “Then Barney had a heart attack and died on the 11th tee.”

“Oh, that’s awful!”

“You’re not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Barney, hit the ball, drag Barney.”

Golf Shots

A man and his wife are playing golf together when he slices his tee shot well off the fairway,landing near an old barn. Upon surveying the shot he determines that he can either take a wedge and play over the barn and safely back out to the fairway, or try a long shot 3 iron down beside the barn to the green. He elects to try the 3 iron. But the ball strikes the side of the barn, bounces back, hitting his wife right between the eyes, killing her.

Well, needless to say the man didn’t play for quite sometime. When he did finally return with a friend to play again, sure enough he hit the same shot, slicing his tee shot behind the barn.

Looking over the shot he asked his friend to hand him his wedge. His friend said, “No … look, you can take your 3 iron and try for the green.”

The man said, “Are you kidding me? Don’t you know what happened last time I tried that shot?”

The friend looked puzzled. “What happened?”

“I took a 7.”

Who Does He Think He Is?

Jesus and Moses were golfing one day. When they came to a hole with a water hazard in front of the green, Moses told Jesus to lay up short and chip to the green.

Jesus said, “Arnold Palmer can make the green from here, so can I.”

Jesus shot and landed in the water. Jesus said “Darn,” walked on the water, reached in and got his ball. He walked back, dropped his ball and swung again. Again he landed in the water.

After Jesus retrieved his ball for the third time, Moses again told him to lay up short, but Jesus wouldn’t listen, insisting that if Arnold could make it so could he.

After hitting the ball for the fourth time, he went to go get it. While he was standing on the water two golfers came over the hill. One shouted at Moses, “Who does he think he is, Jesus?”

“No!” shouted Moses, “He thinks he’s Arnold Palmer.”

Funeral Procession

A golfer is lining up his putt on the eighth green one morning when a funeral procession drives by. He immediately stops, removes his cap and bows his head until the procession passes.

One of his playing partners is impressed by this show of respect and comments on it to which the golfer replies, “It’s the least I can do, after all, we had been married for 28 years.”

Putting for Gold

Three old men are about to get started for 18 holes one day when the starter asks if they would mind a young lady joining them. When they see a beautiful and veluptuous blonde, they accept readily!

For 17 holes, this blonde golfs horribly. On the 18th hole, a par 5, she manages to reach the green in 4, but has a 40 foot putt to sink for par. “I would give anything, anything in the world, if I could only sink this putt” she exclaims.

Thinking as old men do, each offers assistance in turn. The first old man says, “hold your hands tight together and aim about six inches right of the hole.”

The second says, “No, no, aim just left of the hole and make sure to hit it firm so as not to leave it short!”

The 3rd gentleman surveys the hole carefully and says, “Ah, it’s a gimme!”

Golfing Priest

One Sunday morning a Catholic priest wakes up and notices it’s a gorgeous day – so beautiful that he couldn’t possibly turn away from playing golf. So he decides to play but has one problem. The priest has to say Mass in just a couple of hours. The priest thinks, then asks another priest if he would say his masses today because the first priest isn’t feeling well. The other priest agrees.

So now the first priest is off to the golf course. He decides to play a little bit past town thinking that way no one could possibly see him playing golf, since he was suppose to be sick. Right before he tees off on the first hole, St. Peter turns to Jesus and says, “Are you going to let him get away with that?”

Jesus replies “No, I guess not.”

So the priest tees off on the first hole, the longest par 4 on the course. He hits the ball and to his surprise sinks it in!!! A hole in one!!!

St. Peter turns to Jesus and says, “I thought you weren’t going to let him get away with lying?”

Jesus replies: “I’m not.”

St. Peter then says, “Well, he just made a hole in one on the longest par 4 of the course!!!”

Jesus turns to St. Peter and says, “Yes, but who is he going to tell?”