Watermelons

An old lady is sitting in front her TV knitting and watching “Mamas Family” when she hears a knock on the door. When she opens it, there is a salesman standing on her doorstep. She asks, “Yes?” The salesman explains that he is selling watermelons for a delivery service, and that every other day, they would deliver a watermelon to her doorstep. “My that’s a splendid idea.” the old woman says, so she signs up. The salesman tells her that she would receive her first watermelon in two days, then he leaves. Well, two days go by, and no watermelon. Four days, no watermelon. Six days, still no watermelon. The old lady calls up the watermelon delivery service, and demands, “Where are my watermelons?” They explain that they have been delivering them to her doorstep for the past couple of days, so they ask if there are any people that might walk by her doorstep, thinking that it’s theirs. She says, “Why yes, I share my front porch with my new next door neighbours.” The people on the phone also tell her that in order to eliminate any confusion, they always write the initials of the customer on the watermelons, so whomever has been taking them, was probably knowingly stealing them. They tell her that maybe she should find out from her neighbours, if they have been taking the watermelons. By now, she’s furious! She hangs up the phone and hobbles over to the next door neighbour’s front door and knocks it with her cane. A big hairy guy in a t-shirt and holding a beer can answers. She asks, “Sonny, have you been stealing my watermelons?” The guy explains that he doesn’t know what the hell she’s talking about, so the big guy calls down his son, and asks him if he knows what happened to the watermelons. The son says proudly, “Yes I done took the watermelons, and I et dem!” The man furiously takes off his belt, puts his son over his knee and gets ready to give the poor boy a whippin’ like he’s never had before. Before the boy could finish his explanation, “But Dad, on da watermelons, it said on dem…” the father gives the boy several lashes with the belt. The kid’s screaming and crying, arms and legs are flailing about. After that was all over, the father sent the boy up to his room. He got out his chequebook, and explained to her that he would pay for the watermelons, and that the boy would not steal them any more. So he asked the old woman to whom he should write the check out to. She replies, “Oh just write it out to me. My full name is …

Esther Alice Thomson.”

You Know You’re a 90’s Kind of Redneck if …

You mow your lawn and find a keyboard

You don’t understand why women get scared of mice when there is one on your desk

You have a 300 bps modem under the sink in your bathroom

Your bathroom has an internet connection

You find parts of old computers in your front yard

You have more broken printers than car engines in your yard

Your old style redneck neighbor dosen’t understand why you drink the soft drink Mountain Dew

Your T-Shirt reads C:DOS C:DOS RUN RUN DOS/RUN

You have no sex life, love life, or any other life

You can download MP3 files off of a 286 that you somehow got to run Windows 95

You relate to any of the stuff in this list

You know what CPM stands for

Hickbonics

The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollars pipelined through Washington by designating Southern slang, or “Hickbonics,” as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone. The following are excerpts from the Hickbonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI – (noun) – Greeting.

HIRE YEW – Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: Heidi, Hire yew?”

BARD – (verb) – Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”
Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”

JAWJUH – (noun) – The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.”

BAMMER – (noun) – The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage: “A tornader jes went through Bammer an’ left $20,000,000 in improvements.”

MUNTS – (noun) – A calendar division.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t herd from him in munts.”

THANK – (verb) – Ability to cognitively process.
Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”

BARE – (noun) – An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”

IGNERT – (adjective) – Not smart. See “Arkansas native.”
Usage: “Them bammer boys sure are ignert!”

RANCH – (noun) – A tool used for tight’nin’ bolts.
Usage: “I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”

ALL – (noun) – A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”

FAR – (noun) – A conflagration.
Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pickup truck, that thing’s gonna catch far.”

TAR – (noun) – A rubber wheel.
Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”

TIRE – (noun) – A tall monument.
Usage: “Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”

RETARD – (verb) – To stop working.
Usage: “My grampaw retard at age 65.”

FAT – (noun), (verb) – a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: “You younguns keep fat’n, n’ ah’m gonna whup y’uh.”

RATS – (noun) – Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: “We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats.”

FARN – (adjective) – Not domestic.
Usage: “I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed … must be from some farn country.”

DID – (adjective) – Not alive.
Usage: “He’s did, Jim.”

EAR – (noun) – A colourless, odourless gas: Oxygen.
Usage: “He cain’t breathe … give ‘im some ear!”

BOB WAR – (noun) – A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”

JEW HERE – (noun) and (verb) contraction.
Usage: “Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump’ny?”

HAZE – a contraction.
Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah … haze ignert. He ain’t thanked but a minnit’n ‘is laf.”

SEED – (verb) – past tense of “to see”.
VIEW – contraction: (verb) and pronoun.
Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City … view?”

GUBMINT – (noun) – A bureau.
Usage: “Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.

Love and Marriage

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

“Stay out of those,” she said, “they’re for the funeral.”

You Know You’re Trailer Trash If

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.

5. Jack Daniel’s makes your list of “most admired people.”

6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, “Hey watch this.”

8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

9. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

10. Your junior prom had a daycare.

11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, “Gentlemen start your engines.”

12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

14. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.

15. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

16. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

17. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

18. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.

19. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

20. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

21. Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.

Maturity

When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.

When I was 16, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided that I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, she cried all the time and threatened suicide.

So then I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable, and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.

So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. After graduation, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now all I want is a girl with large breasts.

Birds and Bees

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.

“I don’t want to know!” Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears.

Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

“Oh Pop,” Johnny sobbed, “for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you’re telling me now that grownups don’t really have sex, I’ve got nothing left to believe in!”

Children’s Proverbs

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:

Better to be safe than … punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the … bug is close.

It’s always darkest before … daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of … termites.

You can lead a horse to water but … how?

Don’t bite the hand that … looks dirty.

No news is … impossible.

A miss is as good as a … Mr.

You can’t teach an old dog … math.

If you lie down with dogs, you … will stink in the morning.

Love all, trust … me.

The pen is mightier than … the pigs.

An idle mind is … the best way to relax.

Where there is smoke, there’s … pollution.

Happy is the bride who … gets all the presents.

A penny saved is … not much.

Two is company, three’s … The Musketeers.

None are so blind as … Helen Keller.

Children should be seen and not … spanked or grounded.

If at first you don’t succeed … get new batteries.

You get out of something what you …see pictured on the box.

When the blind lead the blind … get out of the way.

There is no fool like … Aunt Edie.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and … you have to blow your nose.