Corkscrew Penis

Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew.

“Wow,” Gary said. “I’ve never seen one like that before.”

“Like what?” Martin said.

“All twisted like a pig’s tail,” Gary said.

“Well, what’s yours like?” Martin said.

“Straight, like normal,” Gary said.

“I thought mine was normal until I saw yours,” Martin said.

Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants. “What did you do that for?” Martin said.

“Shaking off the excess drops,” Gary said. “Like normal.”

“Cripes,” Martin said. “And all these years I’ve been wringing it.”

Where Did I Come From?

One day little Johnny came up to his father and asked, “Dad, where did I come from?” Dad squirmed a bit, but thought it was time his son knew the facts of life. So, Dad told his son how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born. As Dad told the story, his son’s eyes got wider and wider.

When Dad was finished, his son said, “Wow, that’s really neat. That sure beats what Billy told me. He said that he came from Philadelphia.”

Gas and Free Sex

A man is driving down the freeway when he sees a sign that says; “Get gas and free sex here.” Obviously the guy was interested, so he stopped, filled up went inside to pay.

“Pick a number from 1-10 to get free sex,” said the cashier.

“Uh, okay, three!” the man replied.

“Nope! Sorry, better luck next time.”

So the guy drove around for weeks always getting gas at the same place, because he wanted his free sex. One day he was really ticked:

“This has got to be rigged! I have NEVER gotten the number to have free sex!” He screamed.

“Oh no! It’s not rigged, just ask your wife, she won three times last week alone!”

Top 12 Reasons Why Swearing Is Better Than Sex

1. It’s just as much fun by yourself.
2. If you split up with your partner, they won’t spread malicious rumours about the size of your vocabulary.
3. It can be done in public.
4. The cops can’t trace you if you verbally abuse someone – usually.
5. A little one can be just as good as a big one.
6. No one gets jealous if you do it to a lot of people at the same time.
7. You won’t be ridiculed if you do it to someone of the same sex.
8. You can meet a stranger and have them doing it to you three seconds later.
9. It’s much more acceptable at family reunions. Hopefully.
10. If it comes and goes quickly it’s not a bad thing.
11. If you lose it in your old age, you won’t be disappointed.
12. No one spreads rumours about how easy you are to swear at.

Homeless Girl

An elderly gentleman came home one night to find a homeless girl of about seventeen ransacking the place. He grabbed her by the arm and was just about to call the police when the girl dropped down on her knees and pleaded, “Please don’t call the police, mister, oh please! If you don’t, I’ll let you make love to me and do whatever you want with my body!”

The old man thought for a moment and decided to give in. Soon they were naked and in bed together. The old man tried hard and tried hard, but finally, he rolls over, exhausted, and embarrassed.

“I’m sorry, young lady … but it’s no use,” he gasped. “I’m afraid I’m going to have to call the police after all.”

Board with a Hole

These two guys had each just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, “Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year.” The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The guys said “What’s that board for?” The trader said, “Well, where you’re going there are no women and you might need this.”

They said “No way! We’ve sworn off women for life!” The trader said, “Well, take the boards with you, and if you don’t use them I’ll refund your money next year. “Okay” they said and left.

Next year this guy came into the trader’s store and said “Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year.” The trader said “Weren’t you in here last year with a partner?”

“Yeah” said the guy.

“Where is he?” asked the trader.

“I shot him” said the guy.

“Why?”

“I caught him in bed with my board.”

Shit Happens

In the beginning, there was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form,
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers
And they spoke among themselves saying, “It’s a crock of shit, and it stinks.”
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, “It is a pail of dung, and we can’t live with the smell.”
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, “It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.”
And the Managers went unto their Directors saying, “It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide it’s strength.”
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, “It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.”
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents saying unto them, “It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.”
And the Vice Presidents went to the President saying unto him, “This new plan will actively promote growth, and vigour of the company with very powerful effects.”
And the President looked upon the Plan, and said that it was good,
And the Plan became Policy.
And this is how shit happens.

Sex for the Parrot

A woman also had a parrot who was constantly squawking profanity. She consulted a veterinarian, who said that the parrot probably just needed sex, and that he had a female parrot he would rent to the woman for $500.

It was a lot of money, but finally the woman paid. She put the female parrot in her parrot’s cage, and pulled a cover over the cage. Moments later she heard screeching from the cage, and rushed back to find that her bird had the female pinned to the bottom of the cage and was plucking her feathers.

“For five hundred dollars!” shouted the male parrot, “I want you NAKED! NAKED!!!”