Bedtime Fart Story

A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few
minutes the man cuts a fart.

His wife rolls over and asks, “What in the world was that?”

The man says, “Touchdown, I’m ahead, 7 nothing.”

A few minutes later the wife lets one loose.

The man says to her, “What was that?”

She replies “Touchdown, tie score.”

The man lays there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he
craps in bed.

The wife asks, “Now what in the world was that?”

He replies, “Halftime, switch sides.”

Importance of Math

The next time your children ask, “Why is math so important?” you can explain … This is why math is taught in school.

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and “flipped” the woman off. “Man, that guy is stupid,” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here’s why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That’s 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4,000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, half of these are driven by females. That’s 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That’s 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That’s 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That’s 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That’s 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed. Flip one off? … I think not.

Screwing Nuns

There were some nuns who were tired of being virgins. One day, a couple little boys came walking by and the nuns asked them if they wanted to screw with them. Since they didn’t know what she was talking about, they agreed to. While one of the boys was screwing a nun, he said, “Who’s your father, who’s your father.”

One Simple Wish

An Asian, an Afghan, and an American were each granted three wishes.

The Asian was first so he said, “I wish I were the richest person in my country.” BOOM, he was the richest person in his country.

Next, it was the Afghan’s turn. He said, “I wish there was a wall around my country so no one could go in and no one could go out.” BOOM, there was a wall around his country.

Next, was the American’s turn. He thought and thought really hard. He said “Fill it up with water.” BOOM.

Lulu’s Grandma

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, “Why are you standing in line here, dear?”
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were passing out
free oranges and she was just lining up for some. “Why, that’s awfully nice of them. I think I’ll get some for myself,” and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, “Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?”

“Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry.”………

The policeman fainted.

It is Hard Being a Dick

It’s hard being a dick.

I have a head I can’t think with.

An eye I can’t see out of.

I have to hang around with two nuts all the time.

And alot of times I just have to hang in there.

But, sometimes, when I am let free, I barf all over the whole damned place.

And now that I have AIDS and my whole fu*king life is waisting away I have now realized it wasn’t worth it after all.

Valentine

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day. “Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish,” she asks, “will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?”

Melissa’s father thinks a bit, then says, “No, I don’t think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?”

“Osama Bin Laden,” she says.

“Why Osama Bin Laden,” her father asks in shock. “Well,” she says, “I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot. And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.” Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. “Melissa, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard.”

“I know,” Melissa says, “and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him.”