The “Honest” Lawyer

An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.

“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward.

“Mr. Peterson, are you an ‘honest’ lawyer?”

“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”

“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, “He sued me for the money.”

By Chance

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. “Not yet” said the little boy.

His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning.”

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or Should I?”

Playing the Game

Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty – thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers agree.

She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m half naked.”

With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, “Momma needs a new pair of pants!” She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers.

“YES! I WIN! I WIN!” With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.

The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, “What did she roll anyway?” The other answers, “I don’t know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!”

Why Dogs Are Better Than Women

– A dog’s disposition stays the same all month long.
– A dog’s parents never come to visit.
– A dog’s time in the bathroom is limited to a quick drink.
– Anyone can get a good looking dog.
– Dogs are excited by rough play.
– Dogs can appreciate excess body hair.
– Dogs can’t talk.
– Dogs don’t borrow your shirts.
– Dogs don’t care if you use their shampoo.
– Dogs don’t expect you to call them when you’re running late.
– Dogs don’t hate their bodies.
– Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their life.
– Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away.
– Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dogs name.
– Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
– Dogs like to do their snooping outside, as opposed to your wallet, desk or sock drawer.
– Dogs love it when your friends come over.
– Dogs love long car trips.
– Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
– Dogs never want a foot rub.
– Dogs seldom outlive you.
– Dogs think you sing great.
– Dogs understand that farts are funny.
– Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
– Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
– No dog ever bought a Michael Bolton album.
– The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
– When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
– You never have to wait for a dog, they’re ready 24 hours a day.

Bumpersnickers

* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* Montana — At least our cows are sane!
* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
* Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
* Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control.
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act theirs.
* I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
* Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.
* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse.
* Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
* Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
* There are three kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
* Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?
* Assist the Police — Beat yourself up!
* Vehicle secured by mafia: You hit our car, we hit your car.
* Nuke Unborn Gay Whales For Jesus!
* MEAN PEOPLE SUCK, NICE PEOPLE SWALLOW
* If Ignorance is Bliss, You Must Be Orgasmic …
* FUCK THE POOR! (on a Porsche)
* Don’t steal, the Government hates competition.
* Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
* I.R.S.: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got!
* Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
* Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
* The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
* I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
* All generalizations are false.
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
* “JESUS LOVES YOU!

The Old Man’s Penis

An old man, Mr. Smith, resides in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses’ office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died.

Nurse Jones, realizing that Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play along with him. “It did? I’m sorry to hear that.” she replied.

Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said, “Mr.Smith I thought you told me your penis died.”

“It did,” he replied, “today is the viewing.”

How To Sing The Blues

1. Most blues begin “woke up this morning.”

2. “I got a good woman,” is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line.

I got a good woman–with the meanest dog in town.

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.

Got a good woman,
With the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher,
And he weighs about 500 pounds.

4. The blues are not about limitless choice.

5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.

6. Teenagers can’t sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.

8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a. Violet
b. Beige
c. Mauve

9. You can’t have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. The highway
b. The jailhouse
c. The empty bed

Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. Gallery openings
c. Weekend in the Hamptons

11. No one will believe it’s the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.

12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?

Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state–like Georgia
b. you’re blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can’t be satisfied

No, if:
a. you were once blind but now can see
b. you’re deaf
c. you have a trust fund

13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.

14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it’s the blues. Other blues beverages are:
a. Wine
b. Irish whiskey
c. Muddy water

Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death, if you die during a liposuction treatment.

16. Some Blues names for Women
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie

17. Some Blues Names for Men
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Lightning

Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

17B. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

Hunting

Murphy knew nothing about the wild when he went on his first hunting trip. He walked into a clearing and was surprised to find a young woman lying there in the nude.

“Pardon me,” said Murphy, “are you game?”

She looked him up and down and seductively said, “Yes.”

So he shot her.