Golf Round

A man and wife were playing in their club’s annual “Guys and Dolls” tournament. The man was not happy about having to play, but his wife had insisted.

On the 12th tee, his patience had reached its limit. While his wife wasted time on the ladies tee, he decided to go ahead and hit his drive from the men’s. Unfortunately, he misjudged his shot and his ball hit his wife in the back of the head, killing her instantly.

At the hospital the doctor came to talk to the husband. “Mr. Davies, we found a golf ball lodged three inches into your wife’s brain, which was the cause of death. But, we have found something else that really puzzles us.”

“What is it?” asked Mr. Davies.

“Well,” said the doctor, “we also found a golf ball lodged six inches into her anal cavity.”

The husband dismissed the doctor with a wave of his hand “Oh, that was just my Mulligan!”

Signs You’re Broke

1. American Express calls and says: “Leave home without it!”

2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

3. You’re formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

4. You’ve rolled so many pennies, you’ve formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

5. Long distance companies don’t call you to switch anymore.

6. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

7. Your rob Peter … and then rob Paul.

8. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

9. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

10. Your bologna has no first name.

11. You give blood everyday … just for the orange juice.

12. Sally Struther’s sends you food.

13. McDonald’s supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

14. At communion you go back for seconds.

“Give” Me Your Hand

A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around trying to get him out before the train ran him over. They were all shouting. “Give me your hand!” but the man would not reach up.

Jack elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man. “Friend,” he asked, “what is your profession?”

“I am an income tax inspector,” gasped the man. “In that case,” said Jack, “take my hand!”

The man immediately grasped Jack’s hand and was hauled to safety. Jack turned to the amazed by-standers. “Never ask a tax man to ‘give’ you anything, you fools.”

Jet Fuel Coctails

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!”

Jim says, “Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?”

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings … It’s Jim. Jim says, “Hey, how do you feel this morning?”

Bud says, “I feel great. How about you?”

Jim says, “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?”

Bud says, “No, that jet fuel is great stuff – no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.”

“Yeah, well there’s just one thing …”

“What’s that?”

“Have you farted yet?”

“No …”

“Well, DON’T, ’cause I’m in PHOENIX!

Ventriloquist

A ventriloquist is touring working men’s clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He is going through his “stupid blonde” jokes when a big blonde woman stands on her chair and shouts, “I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating jokes, you arsehole! What does a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from reaching my full potential, because you perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large, all in the name of humor.”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize when the blonde pipes up again. “You stay out of this,” she says. “I’m talking to that little bastard on your knee!”

Sobbing Old Man

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what’s wrong.

Through his tears the old man answers, “I’m in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman.”

“What’s wrong with that?” asks the young man.

Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, “You can’t understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love … At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favourite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love.” He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. “I don’t understand. It sounds like you have a perfect relationship. Why are you crying?”

The old man answers, again through his tears, “I forgot where I live.”