Ventriloquist

A ventriloquist is touring working men’s clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He is going through his “stupid blonde” jokes when a big blonde woman stands on her chair and shouts, “I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating jokes, you arsehole! What does a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from reaching my full potential, because you perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large, all in the name of humor.”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize when the blonde pipes up again. “You stay out of this,” she says. “I’m talking to that little bastard on your knee!”

Sobbing Old Man

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what’s wrong.

Through his tears the old man answers, “I’m in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman.”

“What’s wrong with that?” asks the young man.

Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, “You can’t understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love … At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favourite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love.” He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. “I don’t understand. It sounds like you have a perfect relationship. Why are you crying?”

The old man answers, again through his tears, “I forgot where I live.”

Can’t Cook or Clean

A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying.

So the husband inquires, “What’s wrong, Honey?”

“Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can’t cook or clean.”

The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, “There, there sweetie! I don’t care that you can’t cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I’ll show you what I’d like for breakfast.”

So off they went to the bedroom.

That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. “What’s wrong now, Sweetie?”

“Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can’t cook.”

Again the husband smiles and says, “Why don’t you come back up to the bedroom and I’ll have my lunch there!”

So off they went to the bedroom again.

That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister.

After the third trip the husband asks, “What are you doing, Honey?”

“Warming up your supper!” she replies.

Chinese Fishing

One day your dad is fishing at a lake. After a couple of hours he still didn’t catch a fish. Not even a goldfish. Suddenly a Chinese man appears with no fishing tools. He bends over and puts two fingers in the water. In a few seconds a fish gets stuck on his fingers.

Your dad is just watching at this picture. And after a while the Chinese man had enough to feed a whole family. Your dad gets curious and asks the Chinese man how he did that.

The Chinese man says: If you put two fingers of you in your woman, then you will see. You can do this too. So your dad jumps up, gets his fishing tools together and goes home.

When he arrives at home, he sees your mum standing on a ladder cleaning the windows. Your dad sticks two fingers in your mums valley, your mums turns her head and says to your dad: you filthy Chinese man, are you there again

Dormitory Rules

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.” He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?”

At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, “How much for a season pass?”

New Virus Alert

You’re always hearing about new computer viruses running around. Here are some to watch out for. BEWARE!

LEWINSKY VIRUS
–Sucks all the memory out of your computer … then e-mails everyone about what it did.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
–Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS
–Quits after two bytes.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
–Your 300MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200MB.

DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS
–Deletes all old files.

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
–Disks can no longer be inserted.

DISNEY VIRUS
–Everything in your computer goes Goofy.

PROZAC VIRUS
–Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn’t care.

JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS
–Only attacks minor files.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
–Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAAAAK.

LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
–Re-formats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

VIAGRA VIRUS
–Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

CLINTON VIRUS
–Gives you a six inch hard drive with NO memory.