Can’t Cook or Clean

A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying.

So the husband inquires, “What’s wrong, Honey?”

“Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can’t cook or clean.”

The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, “There, there sweetie! I don’t care that you can’t cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I’ll show you what I’d like for breakfast.”

So off they went to the bedroom.

That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. “What’s wrong now, Sweetie?”

“Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can’t cook.”

Again the husband smiles and says, “Why don’t you come back up to the bedroom and I’ll have my lunch there!”

So off they went to the bedroom again.

That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister.

After the third trip the husband asks, “What are you doing, Honey?”

“Warming up your supper!” she replies.

Chinese Fishing

One day your dad is fishing at a lake. After a couple of hours he still didn’t catch a fish. Not even a goldfish. Suddenly a Chinese man appears with no fishing tools. He bends over and puts two fingers in the water. In a few seconds a fish gets stuck on his fingers.

Your dad is just watching at this picture. And after a while the Chinese man had enough to feed a whole family. Your dad gets curious and asks the Chinese man how he did that.

The Chinese man says: If you put two fingers of you in your woman, then you will see. You can do this too. So your dad jumps up, gets his fishing tools together and goes home.

When he arrives at home, he sees your mum standing on a ladder cleaning the windows. Your dad sticks two fingers in your mums valley, your mums turns her head and says to your dad: you filthy Chinese man, are you there again

Dormitory Rules

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.” He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?”

At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, “How much for a season pass?”

New Virus Alert

You’re always hearing about new computer viruses running around. Here are some to watch out for. BEWARE!

LEWINSKY VIRUS
–Sucks all the memory out of your computer … then e-mails everyone about what it did.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
–Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS
–Quits after two bytes.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
–Your 300MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200MB.

DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS
–Deletes all old files.

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
–Disks can no longer be inserted.

DISNEY VIRUS
–Everything in your computer goes Goofy.

PROZAC VIRUS
–Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn’t care.

JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS
–Only attacks minor files.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
–Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAAAAK.

LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
–Re-formats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

VIAGRA VIRUS
–Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

CLINTON VIRUS
–Gives you a six inch hard drive with NO memory.

Useless Facts

1. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
2. A snail can sleep for three years.
3. All polar bears are left-handed.
4. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
5. Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
6. An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
7. Babies are born without knee caps. They don’t become bone until the child reaches two to six years of age.
8. Butterflies taste with their feet.
9. Cats have over a hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about 10.
10. China has more English speakers than the United States.
11. Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump.
12. February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
13. “I am.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
14. If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of population.
15. If you yelled for eight years, seven months, and six days, you will have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
16. In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
17. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
18. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
19. Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
20. Michael Jordan has more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
21. No word in the English language rhymes with month.
22. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
23. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
24. One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the 1930s lobbied against hemp farmers – they saw it as competition.
25. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
26. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
27. Shakespeare invented the words ‘assassination’ and ‘bump’.
28. Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
29. Starfish haven’t got brains.
30. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
31. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
32. The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
33. The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
34. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
35. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps to squirt blood 30 feet out of the body.
36. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
37. The names of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the “other side.” That’s what “they” call it: the “other side.” Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.” That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It’s as plain and simple as that.

KEN STARR:
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the President of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president’s ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he co-operates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.)

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes!
The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed,
I’ve not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN:
What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook – and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the “black man” in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one??

You Know You’ve Been Out Of College Too Long When …

Your potted plants stay alive.

Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

You carry an umbrella.

You watch the Weather Channel.

Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.

You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”

You’re the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don’t know how to turn down the stereo.

Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds.

Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

Dinner and a movie – The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.

You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.

A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff.”

You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

Grocery lists are longer than macaroni and cheese, Diet Pepsi and Ho-ho’s.

“I just can’t drink the way I used to,” replaces, “I’m never going to drink that much again.”

Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

You don’t get liquored up at home, to save money, before going to a bar.

It takes you all night to do what you used to do all night.