Confessions

A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to make: the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested. If he wishes to cancel the wedding, it’s okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.

Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, its okay with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.

They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes, she was flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy’s naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.

After she became conscious the guy asked: “I told you before we got married, why did you still faint?”

The girl said: “You told me it was just like a baby.”

The guy replied: “It is! 8 pounds and 21 inches.”

Top 10 Signs You’ve Joined a Cheap HMO

10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctor’s office include, “take a left when you enter the trailer park.”
8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
7. Only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.
6. Only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is “an apple a day.”
5. Your “primary care physician” is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4. “Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges” is not a typo.
3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn’t come in different colors with little “m”s on them.

And the Number 1 Sign You’ve Joined a Cheap HMO …

1. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.

A Penquin

A penguin is driving through Arizona on a hot summer’s day when he notices his oil light is on. He gets out of the car and, sure enough, it’s leaking oil all over the road. The penguin drives around the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic to take a look at it.

The mechanic says he has a few others to look at first but if he comes back in an hour he can tell the penguin what is wrong with his car.

The penguin agrees and goes for a walk. He finds an ice cream shop and thinks a big bowl of vanilla ice cream will really hit the spot since he’s a penguin and its Arizona in the summer, after all.

He sits down at the counter and starts in on his ice cream. Of course he has no hands so it is rather messy. By the time he is done he has ice cream all over his flippers and his mouth – a total mess.

He walks back to the service station and says to the mechanic, “Did you find out what is wrong with my car?” The mechanic replies, “It looks like you’ve blown a seal.”

“No no,” says the penguin. “It’s just ice cream.”

Intimate Mother/Daugher Discussion

A mother and her daughter are walking along the beach one evening. The sun was setting and the cool breeze coming in off the ocean was absolutely wonderful.

The girl says, “Mom, my breasts have really begun growing. Do you think I should start wearing a larger bra?”

The Mom thinks for a moment and then says, “Sure, honey, we’ll go to the store tomorrow and buy my baby a beautiful peach colored lace bra that fits properly.”

A few minutes later the girl says, “Mom, I’m starting to grow a lot of hair down “there”. Do you think it would be OK to start trimming it a bit?”

Mom reflects on this question and responds, “Why sure, honey, we’ll buy some fine trimming scissors while at the store purchasing your new pretty lace bra.”

A little later the girl asks another question, “Tommy asked me to kiss him yesterday. I really like him. Do you think that would be ladylike for me to allow him just one tiny kiss?”

The Mother is getting nervous now, but finally replies, Darling, I believe that would perfectly OK, but you mustn’t allow him to do anything else. OK, my dear?”

“Sure Mom, I understand and I truly respect your judgement.” replies the daughter.

A few more minutes went by and the girl tenderly grabs her mother’s hand and looks her in the eyes, saying, “Mom, am I old enough to start douching?”

The Mother is now speechless, having given her daughter all this very open and candid advice. She thought for several minutes and spoke her final words of wisdom, “Sweetie, that’s too difficult a question for me to answer. Why don’t you ask one of those seagulls that’s been following you for hours!”

Doughboy Dead At 71

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including: Mrs.Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker and the Hostess Twinkies. The gravesite was piled high with flours and longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who “never knew how much he was kneaded.”

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, squandering much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Earring

Steve is at work one day when he notices that his coworker is wearing an earring. Steve knows his coworker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”

Steve walks up to him and questions, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”

“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he sheepishly replies.

“So, really? How long have you been wearing one?”

“Ever since my wife found it in our bed.”