Useless Facts

1. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
2. A snail can sleep for three years.
3. All polar bears are left-handed.
4. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
5. Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
6. An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
7. Babies are born without knee caps. They don’t become bone until the child reaches two to six years of age.
8. Butterflies taste with their feet.
9. Cats have over a hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about 10.
10. China has more English speakers than the United States.
11. Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump.
12. February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
13. “I am.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
14. If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of population.
15. If you yelled for eight years, seven months, and six days, you will have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
16. In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
17. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
18. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
19. Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
20. Michael Jordan has more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
21. No word in the English language rhymes with month.
22. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
23. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
24. One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the 1930s lobbied against hemp farmers – they saw it as competition.
25. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
26. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
27. Shakespeare invented the words ‘assassination’ and ‘bump’.
28. Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
29. Starfish haven’t got brains.
30. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
31. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
32. The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
33. The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
34. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
35. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps to squirt blood 30 feet out of the body.
36. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
37. The names of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the “other side.” That’s what “they” call it: the “other side.” Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.” That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It’s as plain and simple as that.

KEN STARR:
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the President of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president’s ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he co-operates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.)

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes!
The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed,
I’ve not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN:
What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook – and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the “black man” in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one??

You Know You’ve Been Out Of College Too Long When …

Your potted plants stay alive.

Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

You carry an umbrella.

You watch the Weather Channel.

Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.

You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”

You’re the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don’t know how to turn down the stereo.

Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds.

Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

Dinner and a movie – The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.

You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.

A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff.”

You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

Grocery lists are longer than macaroni and cheese, Diet Pepsi and Ho-ho’s.

“I just can’t drink the way I used to,” replaces, “I’m never going to drink that much again.”

Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

You don’t get liquored up at home, to save money, before going to a bar.

It takes you all night to do what you used to do all night.

Confessions

A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to make: the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested. If he wishes to cancel the wedding, it’s okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.

Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, its okay with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.

They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes, she was flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy’s naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.

After she became conscious the guy asked: “I told you before we got married, why did you still faint?”

The girl said: “You told me it was just like a baby.”

The guy replied: “It is! 8 pounds and 21 inches.”