Morning Ritual

This British explorer is in the dark jungle, going where no Western man has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and trouble-shooter in one. One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man engaged in “playful activities” with ten beautiful, dark, young women, who are all in the nude. The young man had the biggest, strongest penis the British Explorer had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was?

“He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir,” came the reply. “This is his morning ritual.”

“Ask him,” the awed Brit said to his companion, “how did his penis get to be this size?”

The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation.

“Well, what did he say?” asked our hero to his assistant on his return.

“He said, ‘There’s nothing wrong with my penis. Doesn’t the white man’s shrink in cold water?’

18 Basic Rules for Driving in Washington, DC

(1) A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in, before hitting construction barrels.
(2) Turn signals are just clues as to your next move in road battle, so never use them.
(3) Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you no matter how fast you’re going. If you do, the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
(4) The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
(5) Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work. (Remember no-fault insurance: He might not have much to lose, you do.)
(6) Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your anti-lock braking system kicks in to give you a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates.
(7) Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the exit before the traffic begins to back up.
(8) The electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information, just to make DC look progressive.
(9) Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It’s a good way to scare people entering the highway.
(10) Speed limits are arbitrary figures to make our nation’s Capitol look as if it conforms with other state policies; these are given only as suggestions and are readily unenforceable.
(11) Just because you’re in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean that a Beltway driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.
(12) Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in downtown DC.
(13) Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even a person changing a tire. If you’re lucky, you may see the unwitting breakdown victim get mugged. (The proceeds of such ventures are vested directly into the Democratic front-runner’s campaign for Mayor).
(14) Learn to swerve abruptly. The DC / Metro area is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to VDOT, who put potholes in key locations to test drivers’ reflexes and keep them on their toes.
(15) It is traditional in DC to honk your horn at cars that don’t move the instant the light changes. The city is founded upon such traditions.
(16) Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
(17) Giving the finger may invite armed retaliation.
(18) All unmarked exits lead to Southeast DC.

Shoot The Wife

“So let me get this straight,” the prosecutor says to the defendant, “you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man.”

“That’s correct,” says the defendant.

“Upon which,” continues the prosecutor, “you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her.”

“That’s correct,” says the defendant.

“Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?” asked the prosecutor.

“It seemed easier,” replied the defendant, “than shooting a different man every day!”

If Men Ruled The World

1. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.”

2. Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.

3. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a half time.

4. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the bum would pretty much do it.

5. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

6. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

7. “Sorry I’m late, but I got hammered last night” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

8. It’d be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

9. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.

10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

11. Instead of a beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.”

12. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re #1!”

13. Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

14. Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

15. Two words: Ally McNaked.

16. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

17. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

18. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

19. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

20. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-alec answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:

Cop: “You know how fast you were going?”
You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.”
Cop: “Nice one. That’s $10 off.”

21. Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

22. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

Where Are We?

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are … very slowly?”

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.”

Memory Loss

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”

The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!”

The third lady smiles smugly. “Well, my memory’s just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood.” She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?”

Funny Headlines

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

4. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case

5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

6. Farmer Bill Dies In House

7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

8. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?

9. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope

10. Stud Tires Out

11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again

13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

14. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms

15. Eye Drops Off Shelf

16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

17. Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead

18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

19. Shot Off Women’s Leg Helps Nicklaus To 66

20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe

21. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told

22. Miners Refuse To Work After Death

23. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant

24. Stolen Painting Found By Tree

25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

26. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter

27. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years

28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One

29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in ’84

30. War Dims Hope For Peace

31. If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

32. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures

33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

35. Deer Kills 17,000

36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

37. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

38. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group

39. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft

40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

41. Chef Throws His Heart Into Feeding The Needy

42. Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire

43. British Union Holds Dwarfs In Short Supply

44. Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood

45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

46. Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half

47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

48. Man Minus Ear Waves Hearing

49. Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing

50. Air Head Fired

51. Steals Clock, Faces Time

52. Prosecutor Releases Probe Into Undersheriff

53. Old School Pillars Are Replaced By Alumn

54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked By Board

55. Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

56. Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction

57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

58. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

Virgin Nuns

A visiting priest was getting the grand tour of the convent, led by one of the sisters. They go into a room with four portraits.

“Who is this?” asks the padre.

“Oh, that’s the Virgin of Guadalupe.”

“And this portrait?”

“That is the beautiful Virgin of Asissi.”

“Who is this third one?”

“That is the Virgin of Ishia.”

“And the final portrait, what virgin is she?”

“Oh, that’s no virgin, that’s the Mother Superior.”

Texas in Heavan

A Texan died and went to heaven where St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates.

“Show me what you got, Pete,” said Tex. St. Peter swung open the gates and revealed a beautiful landscape of mountains, rivers, streams, trees, flowers and all the trimmings.

“We’ve got that in Texas. We call it King Ranch,” said Tex. St. Peter flashed up a scene of men, women and children frolicking on the countryside, riding coaches, swinging, swimming, riding horses, bicycling, etc.

“We’ve got that, too. We call it Six Flags,” said Tex.

Whereupon St. Peter threw open a trapdoor of the fires of Hell and out shot a huge ball of fire followed by a solid stream of flame sweeping over the entire area. The blinding light and heat were enormous.

“We don’t have that,” said Tex, “but we’ve got a guy in Houston who can put it out.”

Little Soldier

Mr. Smith got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and polite. One day while she was taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open and, on leaving the room, she said, “Oh, Mr Smith, did you know that your barracks door is open?” He did not understand her remark, but later on, he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, “By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a
soldier standing at attention?” She was quite witty. “Why no, Mr. Smith,” she replied, “All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.”