An Asian, an Afghan, and an American were each granted three wishes.
The Asian was first so he said, “I wish I were the richest person in my country.” BOOM, he was the richest person in his country.
Next, it was the Afghan’s turn. He said, “I wish there was a wall around my country so no one could go in and no one could go out.” BOOM, there was a wall around his country.
Next, was the American’s turn. He thought and thought really hard. He said “Fill it up with water.” BOOM.
Your momma is so hairy you almost died of rugburn at birth.
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, “Why are you standing in line here, dear?”
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were passing out
free oranges and she was just lining up for some. “Why, that’s awfully nice of them. I think I’ll get some for myself,” and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, “Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?”
“Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry.”………
The policeman fainted.
It’s hard being a dick.
I have a head I can’t think with.
An eye I can’t see out of.
I have to hang around with two nuts all the time.
And alot of times I just have to hang in there.
But, sometimes, when I am let free, I barf all over the whole damned place.
And now that I have AIDS and my whole fu*king life is waisting away I have now realized it wasn’t worth it after all.
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day. “Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish,” she asks, “will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?”
Melissa’s father thinks a bit, then says, “No, I don’t think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?”
“Osama Bin Laden,” she says.
“Why Osama Bin Laden,” her father asks in shock. “Well,” she says, “I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot. And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.” Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. “Melissa, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard.”
“I know,” Melissa says, “and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him.”
Q: If pro is good and con is bad, then what is the opposite of Progress?
A: Congress
Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A: A blowjob with handle bars.
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied “from the tip of my penis to my testicles.” It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received.
But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to “drop ’em,” which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain’s penis and began to work back.
“My God!” he suddenly exclaimed, “Where are your testicles?”
The Captain calmly replied “Vietnam.”
A couple had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out.
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.”
“What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. … But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.”
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy on a very cold day. The daughter said to her mother, “My hands are freezing cold.”
The mother replied, “Put them between your legs. Your body heatwill warm them up.”
The daughter did as she was told and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend, and he said, “My hands are freezing cold.”
The girl replied, “Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.”
So he did, and warmed his hands.
The following frigid day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
He said, “My nose is really cold.”
The girl replied, “Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up.” So he did, and warmed his nose.
The next below-freezing day the boyfriend was again riding with the daughter (there isn’t much else to do in Amish-country) and he said, “My penis is frozen solid.”
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and said, “Have you ever heard of a penis?”
Slightly concerned, the mother said, “Why yes. Why do you ask?”
The daughter replied, “Well they make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don’t they?”