Early Retirement

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied “from the tip of my penis to my testicles.” It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received.

But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to “drop ’em,” which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain’s penis and began to work back.

“My God!” he suddenly exclaimed, “Where are your testicles?”

The Captain calmly replied “Vietnam.”

Don’t Fart in Bed

A couple had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out.

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.”

“What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. … But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.”

Amish Country

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy on a very cold day. The daughter said to her mother, “My hands are freezing cold.”

The mother replied, “Put them between your legs. Your body heatwill warm them up.”

The daughter did as she was told and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend, and he said, “My hands are freezing cold.”

The girl replied, “Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.”

So he did, and warmed his hands.

The following frigid day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said, “My nose is really cold.”

The girl replied, “Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up.” So he did, and warmed his nose.

The next below-freezing day the boyfriend was again riding with the daughter (there isn’t much else to do in Amish-country) and he said, “My penis is frozen solid.”

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and said, “Have you ever heard of a penis?”

Slightly concerned, the mother said, “Why yes. Why do you ask?”

The daughter replied, “Well they make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don’t they?”

Showering

How to shower like a woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror- make a mental note to do more sit-ups.

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave in hair for 15
minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner out of hair.

11. Shave armpits and legs

12. Turn off shower

13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.

16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the ‘woo-woo’ sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Wash your face

6. Wash your armpits

7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.

9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

11. Shampoo your hair.

12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pee.

14. Rinse off and get out of shower.

15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.

17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife,pull off towel, shake wiener at her and
make the ‘woo-woo’ sound again.

19. Throw wet towel on bed.

Who Named You?

A guy is talking to a girl in a bar.
He says, “What’s your name?”
She says, “Carmen.”
He says, “That’s a nice name. Who named you, your mother?”
She replies, “No, I named myself.”
He says, “Why Carmen?”
She says, “Because I like cars and I like men. What’s your name?”

He replies, “Beerfuck.”

3 pieces of Stringaa

3 pieces of String decided one evening,to go to a bar for a Drink. Two found a seat, and one walked up to the bar, and asked the barman for a pint of Bitter. “Im not serving you!” the barman replied, “you’re a piece of string!” So the string went back to his friends and told them how he couldn’t get served. The second piece of string said he’d try, and would be really polite in order to get served. So,he walks to the bar, and says “Lovely pub you’ve got here, nice location, ill have a pint of Bitter please mate.” The barman again, replies: “im not serving you, your a piece of string!” So, the third piece of string,decides to disguise himself in an atempt to get served. He ripps himself up, and generally makes himself look a mess, and walks over to the bar. “Ill have a pint of Bitter please mate” the string says to the barman. So the barman replies, “Hey, your a peice of string arn’t you?” And the string replies “Im affraid not!” (A frayed knot)

Cowboy in the Desert

A modern-day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He’s crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There’s a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

“Well, cowboy,” says the genie … “You know how I work. You have three wishes.”

“I’m not falling for this.” Says the man. “I’m not going to trust an IRS auditor genie.”

“What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and it looks like you’re a goner anyway!”

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

“OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.”

*** POOF ***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

“OK, cowpoke, what’s your second wish.”

“My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.”

*** POOF ***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

“OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!”

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, “I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.”

*** POOF ***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story:

If the government offers you anything, there’s going to be a string attached.

The Farmer and the Lawyer

A bigshot city lawyer and an old country farmer got into a car wreck. They both got out of their cars to survey the damage, and the farmer realized he was at fault.

After looking over the impeccably dressed and dignified lawyer in his $2,000 suit, silk tie, starched white shirt and polished wingtip shoes, the farmer walked back to his car, got out a bottle, and brought it back. He handed it to the lawyer, and said, “Here, you look pretty shook up. I think you ought to take a nip of this; it