Famous Last Words

“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.” – Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” –Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

“I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.” – The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.

“But what is it good for?” — Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.” – Western Union internal memo, 1876.

“The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?” — David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920’s.

“The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C,’ the idea must be feasible.” — A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith’s paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

“Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?” — H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

“I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.” –Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in “Gone With The Wind.”

“A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make.” –Response to Debbi Fields’ idea of starting Mrs. Fields’ Cookies.

“We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.” – Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have done the experiment. Then literature is full of examples that said you can’t do this.” — Spencer Silver, on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3m Post-It” Notepads.

“So we went to Atari and said, ‘Hey, we’ve got this amazing thing even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or, we’ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we’ll come work for you.’ And they said, ‘No.’ So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, ‘Hey, we don’t need you. You haven’t got through college yet.'” — Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak’s personal computer.

“Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.” –1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard’s revolutionary rocket work.

“You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can’t be done. It’s just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training.” — Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the unsolvable problem by inventing Nautilus.

“Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You’re crazy.” –Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

“Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.” – Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

“Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.” – Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

“Everything that can be invented has been invented.” – Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

“Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction”. — Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

“The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon”. – Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

“640K ought to be enough for anybody.” – Bill Gates, 1981

Nose Picking Glossary

THE KIDDIE PICK … When you’re by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there’s no time limit!

CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK … When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.

FAKE NOSE SCRATCH … When you make believe you’ve got an itch but you’re really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.

MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT … You do it so furiously, and for so long, you’re probably entitled to dessert.

SURPRISE PICKINGS … When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.

AUTOPICK … The kind you do in a car, when no one’s looking.

PICK YOUR BRAINS … Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.

PICK AND SAVE … When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don’t catch on to what you did.

PICK AND ROLL … No explanation needed.

PICK AND FLICK … Ditto.

PICK AND STICK … You wanted it to be a “Pick and Flick,” but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.

PAYDIRT … The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.

Jewish/Taiwanese Pilots

An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the first officer is Taiwan Chinese. It’s the first time they’ve flown together and it’s obvious by the silence that they don’t get along.

After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain speaks, “I don’t like Chinese.”

The First Officer replies, “Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why ees that?”

The Captain says, “You bombed Pearl Harbor. That’s why I don’t like Chinese.”

The F.O. says, “Nooooo, noooo … Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That Japanese, not Chinese.”

And the Captain answers, “Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese … it doesn’t matter, they’re all alike.”

Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally the F.O. says, “No like Jew.”

The Captain replies, “Why not? Why don’t you like Jews?”

F.O. says, “Jews sink Titanic.”

The Captain tries to correct him,

“No, no. The Jews didn’t sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg.”

The F.O. replies, “Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, no mattah … all same.”

Armed Robbery

Last April 1st, in a small local town, Josh and Big Hoss (the 2 rookie policemen) were patrolling the downtown business area. They decided to stop into the local coffee shop for a coffee and a donut. The time was 11:55 A.M.

Three minutes later, they got a call on their police radio, “33 in process, man in bank dressed as a banana.” Well there was only one bank in town, in fact, it was just across from the coffee shop. And a 33 was an “armed robbery” but it was also just 11:58 AM and Josh and Big Hoss decided it was the dispatcher playing a joke on them. So they continued on enjoying their coffee break. At 12:01 PM, they got a second call on their radio, “Repeat, Urgent, 33 in process, man in bank dressed as a banana.” Realizing it was past noon, they rushed across the street, but arrived 30 seconds after the banana split.

Indian and the Ventriloquist

A ventriloquist was walking on the street, when he saw an old Indian sitting on the side with his dog, his horse and his sheep. He thought it would be good idea to have a little fun with that Indian.

So he went to the Indian and asked him:

– “Would you mind if I talked a few words with your dog?”

– “Dog doesn’t talk!

So the ventriloquist said to the dog:

– “Hello, how are you doing? Is your master treating you well?”

– “Oh yes, He gives me enough food every day, walks with me every few hours, and he often plays with me!”

The Indian was very astonished. Then the ventriloquist asks:

– “Would you mind if I talked a few words to your horse?”

– “Horse doesn’t talk!”

So he says to the horse:

– “Hello! How are you? Is your master treating you well?”

– “Oh yes, he gives me enough food, rides me every day and gives me a nice warm place to sleep.”

The Indian is completely stunned.

Then the ventriloquist says:

– “Would you mind if I talked a few words to your sheep?”

– “Sheep lies!”

The First Date

Parking in the driveway after their first date, Roger leaned over and gave Linda a passionate kiss. When she responded warmly, he unzipped his fly and pulled her hand to his penis. Furious, Linda opened the door and jumped out of the car. “I’ve got just two words for you,” she screamed. “Drop dead!”

“And I’ve got just two words for you,” Roger screamed back. “Let go!”

Bill of NO Rights

The following was written by State Representative Mitchell Kaye from Cobb County, GA.

We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional and other liberal, bed-wetters.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a “Bill of No Rights.”

ARTICLE I:
You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II:
You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone – not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III:
You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV:
You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V:
You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we’re just not interested in health care.

ARTICLE VI:
You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don’t be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII:
You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don’t be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won’t have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII:
You don’t have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won’t lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you’d like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.

ARTICLE IX:
You don’t have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and educational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE X:
You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness – which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

Loading up the Weapon

To prepare for his big date with a blonde hottie, a young man went to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself.

Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his “tool of the trade.”

This young man was determined not to miss this date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a homecooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man’s sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured himself a tall, cool, glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced an immediate relief of his pain.

The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his Johnson immersed in the glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, “So that’s how you guys load those things!”