A reporter walked up to a group of four guys on the street. There was a Saudi Arabian, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker. He asked them, “Excuse me, what’s your opinion of the meat shortage?”
The Saudi replied, “What’s a shortage?”
The Russian asked, “What is meat?”
The North Korean said, “What is an opinion?”
And the New Yorker says, “What’s excuse me?”
A young Southern belle came to the hospital for a check-up.
“Have you ever been x-rayed?”, asked the doctor.
“Nope,” she replied, “But ah’ve been ultra-violated.”
A woman goes to a doctor to discuss her husband’s infertility problem. The doctor says just give your husband these pills in his next meal and standback.
The woman goes home and hands the pills to her cook who was preparing dinner for a dinner party later that night. The woman says to the cook, “just put two of these in my husband dinner tonight”.
As the woman walks out of the kitchen the cook thinks, sure, like I got nothing better to do, and she throws the whole bunch into the soup.
As the guests were sitting down to dinner, the cook comes out of the kitchen and advises the lady of the house that she must speak to her in that there is a big problem in the kitchen.
The lady of the house follows the cook into the kitchen and demands to know what is going on. The cook admits to throwing all the pills into the soup and crys, “I don’t know what to do, the meat balls have doubled in size and the vermicelli is standing straight up”.
A reporter goes way up into the hills of West Virginia to write an article about the area. He meets an old man in a small town and asks him about any memorable events in his life.
The old man says, “Well, one time my favourite sheep got lost, so me and my neighbours got some moonshine and went looking for it. We looked and looked and finally found the sheep. Then we drank the moonshine and one by one, started screwing the sheep. It was a lot of fun!”
The reporter figured he can’t write an article about that, so he asked the old man to tell him another story.
The old man said, “Well, one time my neighbour’s wife got lost, so me and all the village men got some moonshine and went out looking for her. We looked and looked and finally we found her. Then we drank the moonshine and one by one, screwed the neighbour’s wife. Now, THAT was a lot of fun!”
The reporter, feeling frustrated, told the old man that he couldn’t write articles about those stories and asked him if he had any dramatic or sad memories that he could talk about.
The old man paused a little and with a sad expression on his face said, “Well, one time I was lost …”
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
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“You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.”
Alan, age 10
“No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.”
Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
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“Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.”
Camille, age 10
“No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.”
Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
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“Married people usually look happy to talk to other people.”
Eddie, 6
“You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.”
Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
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“Both don’t want no more kids.”
Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
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“Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8.
“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.”
Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
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“I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.”
Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
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“When they’re rich.”
Pam, age 7
“The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.”
Curt, age 7
“The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.”
Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
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“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.”
Anita, 9
“Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn’t want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I’d just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing.”
Kirsten, age 10
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
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“There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?”
Kelvin, age 8
“You can be sure of one thing – the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now.”
Roberta, age 7
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
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“Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.”
Ricky, age 10
Q: Have you heard about the new Mint flavored birth control pill for women they can take immediately before sex?
A: They’re called “Predickamints.”
Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
A Jewish father, Moisha, was beset by his eldest son Yitzak, “Father, I am going to marry!” His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila. “Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl?” says the father. “What is her name?”
“O’Brien” replies the son. “She’s Catholic.”
“Oy!” says the father. “But are you happy?”
“I’m happy,” says the son.
“Ok, as long as you’re happy. My blessings to you both,” replies Moisha. But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah.
Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening, “Father, I too will be married soon!” Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings God’s praises, “What is her name?” implores the father.
“Kazalopodopolous,” says the son. “She’s Greek Orthodox.”
“Oy,” says Moisha. “But are you happy?”
“I’m happy, Father.”
“Ok, then you, too, have my blessing,” intones Moisha.
Dejected, Moisha goes to the Temple to pray, “Please God, let my remaining son Chutzpah marry a nice Jewish girl, to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes. PLEASE!”
Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, “Father! I am to wed in the spring!”
“Her NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME?” his father immediately demands.
“Goldberg!” says Chutzpah!
Moisha is beside himself with joy! “Praise God! Praise the Prophets!” Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, “Is she Doctor Goldberg’s daughter Shelley, from Los Angeles?”
“No,” says Chutzpah.
“Hmmm,” says Moisha. “Must be Attorney Goldberg’s daughter Rachel from Hollywood?”
“Ah no, father.” says Chutzpah.
“Well, then, what is her first name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful son?
“Whoopi,” says Chutzpah.
A man was showing some friends his apartment. One guest asked, “What’s that big brass basin for?”
“That’s the talking clock,” answered the man.
He gave it an ear shattering pound with a hammer.
Suddenly, a voice on the other side of the wall screamed, “Knock it off! Don’t you know that it’s 2 a.m., you asshole?!”
10. Rehearsals are every Wednesday night. Which means that for those few hours, you will significantly reduce your risk of contracting tendinitis from nonstop operation of a television remote control or computer mouse.
9. Because you wear a choir robe every Sunday, you are liberated from a task many men find quite challenging: finding clothes that match properly.
8. From your special vantage point every Sunday, in which you look out at the entire congregation from the choir seats, you will develop interesting new hobbies. Among these is a little guessing game called “Who’s Praying, Who’s Sleeping?”
7. On the other hand, sitting in full view of 400-500 people on a weekly basis makes it much less likely that you yourself will give in to a chronic lack of sleep. Although it has been known to happen.
6. If you think your singing in the shower sounds good now, just wait till you’ve been singing with us for a few weeks.
5. Singing in a choir is one of the few activities for men that does not require electronics equipment or expensive power tools. This could be good for the family budget.
4. For the fitness buffs, singing in the Choir is not only heart healthy, it’s soul healthy. But there are no monthly membership fees, and it’s a lot easier on the knees than jogging.
3. If you think you’ve done everything there is to do, and there are no great challenges left in life, try singing with us guys and staying on pitch.
2. Choir rehearsal lasts half as long as a professional football game, but is at least twice as satisfying. This is especially true if you are a long-suffering fan of the Miami Dolphins. (Don’t worry, though, the rehearsals are on Wednesday, not Monday Nights.)
AND THE NUMBER 1 REASON MEN SHOULD JOIN THE CHOIR:
1. When people ask you whether you’ve been behaving yourself, you can say with the utmost sincerity, “Hey, I’m a Choir Boy.”