The reason for dogs to exist is simple …
Everyone needs at least one creature that will look at you and think you are the single most important thing in the universe … that depends on you for food, water, love … that is eager to do anything so that they can get approval …
The reason for cats to exist is also simple …
Everyone needs at least one creature that has no such illusions … that will look at you and see you for exactly how very unimportant you are in the scheme of things …
Try this. It’s pretty cool. Try not to cheat and look at the answer. Stare at the following and see if you can find the hidden image.
Get as close to your monitor as possible then slowly pull away. You’ll be quite amazed when it comes into view.
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Remember what you saw and scroll down to the bottom for the answer. If you had trouble and didn't see it, try getting close to the screen, even placing your nose on the screen, and slightly blur your eyes for about 30 seconds, that usually helps people to see it. Scroll down to compare the answer to what you saw.
It's NOTHING, you idiot, get back to work. I can't believe you fell for that one. I hope someone walked by and witnessed you with your nose on your monitor!
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is o.k.
She replies, “Yes.”
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said …
“FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.”
So this lady is stopped by a police officer. He asks to see her license.
She says, “Certainly, officer” and gets it out for him. He checks it out. “Lady, the license says you need corrective lenses!”
“Officer,” she replies, “I have contacts!”
“Look, lady, I don’t care WHO you know in City Hall, you’re supposed to be wearing glasses!”
A fire starts inside a chemical plant, and the alarm goes out to fire departments for miles around.
After crews have been fighting the fire for more than an hour, the company president approaches the fire chief and says, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine crew that brings them out!” Several crews try, but none can get through.
Suddenly a hook and ladder filled with a volunteer squad of men over 65 comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other firefighters watch, unbelieving, as the old-timers hop off their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas.
The company president beams as he walks over to reward the volunteers. “What do you guys plan to do with the money?” he asks after he writes them out a check.
The old guy who drove the engine looks him in the eye and answers, “The first thing we’re going to do is fix the d#@* brakes on that truck.”
A young woman brings her fiance home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man, so the father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.
“So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man. “I am a Torah scholar,” he replies. “A Torah scholar. Hmmm,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?”
“I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”
“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father. “I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.”
“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?”
“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?”, and the father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”
All the pottys have been stolen from the federal building. The police are gathering data but they’ve nothing to go on.
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.
She said, “I’m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.”
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I’m in sales also. What do you sell?”
She replied, “If I tell you, you’ll laugh.
“No, I won’t.”
“Well, if you must know,” she answered, “I work for Tampax.” With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, “See I knew you would laugh.”
“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m still a hole behind you.”
A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, “Where the hell have you been?”
“I was out getting a tattoo.”
“A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?”
“I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis.”
What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your penis?”
“Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow … Number two, once in a while, I like to play with my money … And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.”
The plane’s cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and said to the passengers, “Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super.”
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that one woman hadn’t moved a muscle. “Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.”
She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one.”
“Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, Bitch.”