A fortyish woman was naked and jumping up and down on her bed, laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her for a while and says, “You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you are doing?”
She says, “I just had my check-up and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year old.” She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, “Yeah, right, and what did he say about your 41 year old ass?”
“Your name never came up” she replied.
Dear Abner:
My boyfriend still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I’m afraid he will not be faithful.
– “Worried.”
Dear Worried:
A man’s capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy your boyfriend a Ranger bass boat and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior.
Dear Abner:
My fiance has too many nights out with “the boys.”
– “Alone.”
Dear Alone:
This is perfectly natural behavior and should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy your fiance a new hunting rifle and cook him a nice meal.
Dear Abner:
My husband wants to experience menage-a-trois with me and my sister. This seems wrong; what should I do?
– “Monogamous.”
Dear Mono:
Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing: your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved?
If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a Rolex watch and cook him a nice meal.
Dear Abner:
My boyfriend continually asks me to perform oral sex on him, but I was always taught this was a nasty, slutty act done only in back seats at the Drive-In.
– “Closed Mouth.”
Dear Closed:
Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting but has only ten calories-per-teaspoonful. It is nutritious, helps you to keep your figure, increases your breast size and gives a great glow to the skin.
Interestingly, a man instinctively knows this. His offer to allow you to perform fellatio (the scientific term) on him is totally selfless. Oral sex is excruciating for a man; just look up at his face as you are performing to observe this. This sacrifice of pain shows he loves you.
Best thing to do is to gratefully thank your boyfriend, buy him a pair of handmade rattlesnake cowboy boots and cook him a nice meal.
Dear Abner:
My fiance goes straight to sleep after making love.
We have no time to talk.
– “Talkless in Tacoma.”
Dear Talkless:
Sexual intercourse is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him.
Buy your fiance a four-carat diamond tie-tack and cook him a nice meal.
Dear Abner:
My husband’s efforts at lovemaking only last sixty seconds.
– “Minute Man’s Wife.”
Dear Minute’s:
Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the ‘effort’ the more he loves you.
Return this love by buying him a full set of Sears Craftsman power tools and cooking him a nice meal.
Dear Abner:
My boyfriend is uninterested in foreplay; help.
– “Wham-Bam-Thank-you-Ma’am.”
Dear Wham:
Foreplay, to a man, is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love him as much as he loves you. You should be as ready as he is for lovemaking-Why must he work at getting you “in the mood” if you are truly devoted? Abandon this old wives’ tale. Make it up to your boyfriend by buying the biggest chain saw on the market and cooking a nice meal.
Dear Abner:
My fiance has never given me an orgasm.
– “Frustrated.”
Dear Frustrated:
The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don’t mention it again to your fiance and show your love to him by buying a Harley-Davidson Sportster … and don’t forget to cook him a delicious meal.
The reason for dogs to exist is simple …
Everyone needs at least one creature that will look at you and think you are the single most important thing in the universe … that depends on you for food, water, love … that is eager to do anything so that they can get approval …
The reason for cats to exist is also simple …
Everyone needs at least one creature that has no such illusions … that will look at you and see you for exactly how very unimportant you are in the scheme of things …
Try this. It’s pretty cool. Try not to cheat and look at the answer. Stare at the following and see if you can find the hidden image.
Get as close to your monitor as possible then slowly pull away. You’ll be quite amazed when it comes into view.
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Remember what you saw and scroll down to the bottom for the answer. If you had trouble and didn't see it, try getting close to the screen, even placing your nose on the screen, and slightly blur your eyes for about 30 seconds, that usually helps people to see it. Scroll down to compare the answer to what you saw.
It's NOTHING, you idiot, get back to work. I can't believe you fell for that one. I hope someone walked by and witnessed you with your nose on your monitor!
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is o.k.
She replies, “Yes.”
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said …
“FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.”
So this lady is stopped by a police officer. He asks to see her license.
She says, “Certainly, officer” and gets it out for him. He checks it out. “Lady, the license says you need corrective lenses!”
“Officer,” she replies, “I have contacts!”
“Look, lady, I don’t care WHO you know in City Hall, you’re supposed to be wearing glasses!”
A fire starts inside a chemical plant, and the alarm goes out to fire departments for miles around.
After crews have been fighting the fire for more than an hour, the company president approaches the fire chief and says, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine crew that brings them out!” Several crews try, but none can get through.
Suddenly a hook and ladder filled with a volunteer squad of men over 65 comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other firefighters watch, unbelieving, as the old-timers hop off their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas.
The company president beams as he walks over to reward the volunteers. “What do you guys plan to do with the money?” he asks after he writes them out a check.
The old guy who drove the engine looks him in the eye and answers, “The first thing we’re going to do is fix the d#@* brakes on that truck.”
A young woman brings her fiance home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man, so the father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.
“So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man. “I am a Torah scholar,” he replies. “A Torah scholar. Hmmm,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?”
“I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”
“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father. “I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.”
“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?”
“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?”, and the father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”
All the pottys have been stolen from the federal building. The police are gathering data but they’ve nothing to go on.
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.
She said, “I’m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.”
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I’m in sales also. What do you sell?”
She replied, “If I tell you, you’ll laugh.
“No, I won’t.”
“Well, if you must know,” she answered, “I work for Tampax.” With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, “See I knew you would laugh.”
“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m still a hole behind you.”