The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman, and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, “Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence, will get to take me out on a date!
So the Doberman says, “I love liver and cheese.”
The Collie says, “That’s not good enough.”
The Bulldog says, “I hate liver and cheese.”
She says, “That’s not creative.”
Finally, the Chihuahua says, “Liver alone … cheese mine.”
A couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, “Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball – don’t knock out any windows. It’ll cost us a fortune to fix.”
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, “I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let’s go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost.”
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, “Come on in.” They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, “Are you the people that broke my window?”
“Uh, yeah. Sorry about that.” the husband replied. “No, actually I want to thank you – I’m a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You’ve released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes – I’ll give you each one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.”
“OK, great!” the husband said. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”
“No problem – it’s the least I could do. And you, what do you want?” the genie said, looking at the wife. “I want a house in every country of the world,” she said. “Consider it done.” the genie replied.
“And what’s your wish, genie?”, the husband said. “Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.”
The husband looks at the wife and said, “Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don’t care.” (And neither did the wife.)
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, “How old is your husband, anyway?” “35.” she replied.
“And he still believes in genies? That’s amazing …”
A retired gentlemen went into the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.
“Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asks.
The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.”
So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, “You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.”
Bill was in a terrible accident at work. Oddly, however, the only permanent damage done to him was that both of his ears were amputated. But, because he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.
One day, Bill decided to invest his money in a small, but growing computer business. And, after weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Bill asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” And the gentleman answered, “Why yes. I couldn’t help but notice you have no ears.” Bill got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?” And she replied, “Well, you have no ears.” Bill again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Bill was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?”
And to his surprise, the young man answered, “Yes, you wear contact lenses.”
Bill was shocked, and said, That’s incredibly observant, young man. How in the world did you know that?
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, “Well, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!”
The other day, my friends and I went to a “Ladies Night Club.” One of the other girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male “dancer” came over to us, my friend licked the $10 and stuck it to his butt cheek …
Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She called the guy back over, licked the $20 bill, and put stuck it to his other butt cheek …
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulled out a $50 bill. She called the guy back over, licked the $50 bill, and again stuck it to one of his butt cheeks …
Now the attention was focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute, and then the financial analyst in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the $80 bucks, and went home …
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
“Who is it?” calls one of the nuns.
“The Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. “Nice breasts,” says the man, “where do you want these blinds?”
A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, “Three million dollars.”
The accounts person is startled, and says, “In what form?” And the little old lady says, “Cash. I’ve got it here in this bag …” And the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations.
This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally.
Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money.
She says, “Gambling.”
“Gambling?” he says. “What sort of gambling?”
“Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I’ve got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I’ll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you’d be willing to wager on that?”
The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn’t get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. “I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn’t feel right taking it from you … there’s no way you can win a bet like that!”
The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, “I know what I’m doing … and I can afford to lose, though I’m not going to. Is it a bet?”
“Ok, have it your way” said the president, and they shook hands on it.
“See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning” said the little old lady, and with that she left.
Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president’s office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He’d gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal.
When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won.
“Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?” said the president.
“He’s my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?”
“No, perfectly understandable” said the president. “Well, it’s now noon, and I’m still unchanged, so I guess I win!” he said happily.
“Not so fast!” said the little old lady. “For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants.”
The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he’d want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.
“Ok, you win, here’s your $100,000” says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.
“What’s wrong with him?” asks the bank president.
“Oh, he’s just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today.”
An elderly couple was celebrating there 50th wedding anniversary and decided they would return to the resort they had honeymooned at so long ago. Upon getting there they had a wonderful dinner and dancing and drinking shortly followed.
The gentlemen said to his lady, “Honey let’s go upstairs and make this a night to remember.”
She readily agreed and they went into the room.
“Honey I want to make sweet lovin to ya, so get naked and lay on the bed and I am going to go freshen up in the bathroom and when I come out wow to the moon.”
He went into the bathroom and freshened up. When he came out he looked at the bed and said, “Ready or not hear I come!!!!”
His lovely bride of fifty years was not there like he said so he started to look around the sparsley lit room for her and low and behold he found her in the corner and he walked over to her. In the corner she was totally naked and standing in her head with her legs apart like a naked human “Y”.
“Honey what in god’s name are you doing?” he said.
She replied, “Well honey, I figured at your age if you can’t get it up you might as well drop it in!!!”
Three guys walked into a bar, one was Chinese, one was black, and one was white. There was a really hot lady in the bar and the men were amazed. The lady said, “If one of you men can survive a night of sex with me, I’ll marry you and have your children.” The men say, “OK.”
That night the black guy has sex with her and he dies, due to some weird STD that kills instantly. The next night the white man dies due to the same STD. The next night the chinese man lives.
The lady asks, “How did you live?” The Chinese man replies, ” Me chinese, me be slick, me put condom on my dick.”
A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, “You say you’ve been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?”
The wife replies, “It’s my husband — he’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!”
“How does he drive you crazy?”
“For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he’s always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It’s very embarrassing.”
The marriage counselor is amused, “Anything else?”
“He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!”
“Hmm, anything else?”
The wife hesitates, “Whenever we’re making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I’d like to be in control!”
“Ah,” says the counselor, “I think I’ll talk to your husband now.”
So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, “Your wife says that you’ve been driving her crazy. She might even leave you.”
The husband looks shocked, “WHAT? For 20 years I’ve been loving and considerate and I’ve always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?”
The counselor explains, “She says that you’ve got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you’re always acting strange in public–looking at the floor and never going near anyone else.”
The husband looks concerned, “Oh, you don’t understand! It’s one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I’d obey everything he said.”
“What did he say?”
“He said that I should never step on anyone’s toes!”
The counselor looks amused, “Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry.”
The husband looks sheepish, “Oh. Okay.”
The counselor continues, “And you keep picking your nose in public.”
“Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean.”
The counselor looks faint, “That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity.”
“Oh,” says the husband looking very stupid.
“And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking.”
“This,” says the husband seriously, “is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it’s the most important thing.”
“What did he say?”
The husband replies, “In his dying breath, he said. Don’t screw up.”