Tag: Story


The President’s Drink

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. Once the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.

The President asked for a whiskey and soda. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he too would like a drink.

Mr. Falwell replied in disgust, “Ma’am, I’d rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore, than let liquor touch these lips.”

The President then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, “My apologies, I didn’t realize there was a choice … I’ll have the same thing he’s having.”

Why Men Stand and Pee

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

“It’s a very handy thing,” God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. “I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability.”

Adam jumped up and blurted, “Oh, give that to me! I’d love to, please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It’d be so great! When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It’d be so cool, I could write my name in the snow! Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please …”

On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn’t mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his micturition (another Trivia question) while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while.

And it was good.

“Fine,” God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, “What’s left here? Oh yes …

Multiple orgasms …”

Viagra Usage

A woman complained to her doctor that her husband never wanted sex anymore. He gave her a bottle of Viagra pills, telling her to put them into her husband’s drink and her husband would be recharged! The woman was filled with doubt, but she put one pill in his drink that evening anyway.

That night they made passionate love! The next night she put two viagra’s in his drink and later the sex was astronomical!

The next night she said, “What the hell!”, and dumped the whole bottle of pills in his drink! Sometime later, the doctor called to check on his patient’s progress. The woman’s son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how everyone was doing, the boy replied:

“Mom’s dead, Sis left home, the maid’s pregnant, my butt hurts and my Dad is outside yelling butt-naked in the front yard, ‘HERE KITTY, KITTY, KITTY!'”

St. Patrick

Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. One guy said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the Irishman and tapped him on the shoulder. “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a fa**ot.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.”

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. “I told him St. Patrick was a fa**ot and he didn’t care!”

“You just don’t know how to set him off, watch and learn.” The second Englishman walked over and tapped the Irishman on the shoulder. “I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite fa**ot!”

“Oh, wow, I didn’t know that, thank you.”

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. “You’re right. He is unshakable!”

The third Englishman said, “No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch.”

The Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “I hear your St. Patrick was an Englishman!”

“Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me.”

Did You Do It?

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his family’s house. Their three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”

She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work you ask me what in the world I did today?”

“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.

She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”

Hope You’re Not From Alabama

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double-wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn’t want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest man, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.”

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn’t be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. “1, 2, 3, 4, 5 …”, at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

Halloween

There’s a man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

“Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.”

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

“Dear Sir, please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.”

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads:

“Dear Sir, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your butt and go as a Caramel apple!”

Three Ducks at a Bar

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar, has a few drinks and chats with the Bartender. The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that people bring into the bar, so he doesn’t mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the bloke with the ducks has to go to the rest room. The ducks are left on the Bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The bartender decides to try some conversation.

“What’s your name?” he says to the first duck.

“Huey” said the duck.

“How’s your day been?”

“Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day”.

“Oh. That’s nice.” says the Bartender.

Then he says to the second duck, “Hi. And what’s your name?”.

“Dewey” came the answer.

“So how’s your day been?”

“Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance at another day I would do the same again.”

So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, “So, you must be Louie.”

“No”, growls the 3rd duck, “My name is Puddles … and don’t ask about my fucking day.”

Barbie and G.I. Joe

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it’s her turn, she climbs up on Santa’s lap. Santa asks, “What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?”

The little girl replies, “I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe.” Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, “I thought Barbie comes with Ken.”

“No,” said the little girl. “She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.”

Bigger Breasts

A lady wanted to have bigger breasts, so she went to her doctor to get a referral to a plastic surgeon. Her doctor said that he would like her to try an exercise before surgery or drugs and see how that works first. He stands up to demonstrate, holding his arms straight out to the sides, rotates them counterclockwise, and says, “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I’ll have a big bust.” The doctor has her try it, telling her to do it as often as she can and to come back in another week.

One week later, she went back to the doctor’s office. She told him that it didn’t work. The doctor asked her how often she did the exercise. She said that she did it four to five times a day. The doctor told her to do it more, 30 times a day at least. He told her to come back again in one more week.

She tries this, performing the exercise whenever she can.

One day, as she waited to check out at the Supermarket, she started her exercise. “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I’ll have a big bust.” The man in front of her turns around and asks her if she sees Dr. Johnson.

“Yes, how did you know?” she queries.

The man faces her, places both hands on his hips, moves his hips in a circular motion and says … “Hickory dickory dock …”