English Teacher

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.

She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student’s immediate family.

A smart-ass jock in the back of the room sks, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion?” The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student shakes her head, and sweetly says:

“Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with.”

A Fairy Tale

Cinderella was all upset she couldn’t go to the ball. But then, her fairy godmother appeared and said “You can go to the ball on two conditions.”

“Great! I’ll do anything!” said Cinderella.

“Ok” said the fairy godmother “The first condition is … you have to wear a diaphragm”

“No problem” said Cinderella.

“The second condition,” continued the fairy godmother, “if you’re not home by midnight, your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin”

“Yikes” said Cinderella, “I’ll be home by midnight”. So midnight comes and goes, and finally it’s 3 a.m.

Cinderella is just getting home, looking extremely satisfied. “Where have you been?! Your diaphragm should’ve turned into a pumpkin hours ago!” said her fairy godmother.

“I met a man”, said Cinderella. “His name was Peter Peter something or other …”

The Nervous Tick

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, “This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry … we can’t hire you.”

“But wait,” he said. “If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!”

“Really? Great! Show me!”

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He breaks it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking in a few moments.

“Well,” said the interviewer, “that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country!”

“Womanising? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!”

“Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?”

“Oh, that,” he sighed. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?

You Have Mail

A blonde went out to her mail box and looked in, closed the door and went back in the house. A few minutes later she went out and looked in the mail box again. She did this several times and her neighbour who was watching her said “you must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into your mail box.”

The blonde answered, “No, I am working on my computer and it keeps telling me that I have mail.”

Soap and Water

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who was known as being an unkempt housekeeper.

When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. “Were these dishes ever washed?” he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime. She replied, “They’re as clean as soap and water could get them.”

He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside whistled and yelled, “Here Soap! Here Water!”

University Graduate

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.

The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”

“But I’m a University graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom and I’ll show you how.”

Different Outlooks

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. “Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit. “They must be British.”

“Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. “They’re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.”

“No clothes, no shelter,” the Russian points out, “they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. They are Russian.”