Tag: Story



Crazy Bats

Two bats were hanging up side down at 2:00 in the morning. One of the bats woke up and whacked his mate in the wing and asked him if he would like to go and get some blood, in which the other bat replied, “Are you crazy? Where the heck are we going to get blood at this hour of the morning?”

The first bat said, “I know just the place, come and I’ll promise you I will find us some blood!”

The 2nd bat bluntly refused, so the first took off to find his blood.

About an hour had past and the bat came back with blood dribbling out of his mouth covering his body and wings. The bat that didn’t go said “You lucky bat, where the heck did you find blood at this hour of the morning?” to which the first replied – “Do you see that tree over there?”

“Yeah, sort of.” he replied

“WELL I DIDN’T!!!!!”

The Hills

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding!

Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?”

“I’m sorry,” replied the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!”

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.” Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

“Master, Master! … The Hills are alive with the sound of music!

The Cruise

A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink.

Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island.

Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She has also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her,and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful, and says, “My God, you saved my life!” He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!

Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They’ve set up a hut, there’s fruit on the trees, and they’re in heaven.

Cindy’s fallen madly in love with our man, and they’re making passionate love morning, noon and night. Alas, one day she notices he’s looking kind of glum.

“What’s the matter, sweetheart?” she asks, “We have a wonderful life together. I’m in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?

“He says, “Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?” Sure,” she says, “If it will help.” He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.

“Now would you put on my pants?” he asks. “Sure, honey, if it’s really going to make you feel better,” she says.

“Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?” he asks.

“Whatever you want, sweetie,” she says, and does.

Then he says, “Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?”

She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, “Dude! You’ll never believe who I’m sleeping with!”

If Cat’s Kept Journals

DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair … must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant, pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was … Hmmm. Not working according to plan …

DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick mind could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.

The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.

What You Get

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly.

George brushed her off.

Harriet objected, “George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude.”

“Harriet, she’s a prostitute.”

“I don’t believe you. That sweet young thing?”

“Let’s go up to our room and I’ll prove it.”

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for ‘Bambi’ to come to room 1217. “Now,” he said, “you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?”

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.

George asked, “How much do you charge?”

“$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services.”

Even George was taken aback. “$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25.”

Bambi laughed derisively. “You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price.”

“Well,” said George, “I guess we can’t do business. Goodbye.”

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, “I just can’t believe it!”

George said, “Let’s forget it. We’ll go have a drink, then eat dinner.”

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, “See what you get for $25?”

Unprofessional Diagnosis

John Smith gets home from work one day and finds that his wife has been crying.

“What’s wrong,” he asks.

“John, promise you won’t get mad, but I went to see the new doctor today and he told me I’ve got a pretty pussy.”

“WHAT?!?!” he shouts.

With that he grabs a baseball bat from the cupboard and storms down to the doctor’s office and through reception. Without knocking he bursts into the doctor’s office.

The doctor is in the process of giving an old lady a breast examination. She screams and tries to cover herself.

Without waiting Mr. Smith charges up to the doctor, smashes the baseball bat down on the desk and says, “You flaming pervert how dare you say my wife has a pretty pussy!!”

The doctor replies, “I’m sorry Mr. Smith but there has been a misunderstanding. I only told you’re wife she has Acute Angina.”

Condoms

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

The man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”

“Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “Why are there three in this package?”

The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”

“Cool!” says the boy.

He notices a 6-pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”

“Those are for college men,” the dad answers. “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”

“WOW!” exclaimed the boy.

“Then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replies, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for …”

Marriage In Heaven

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven’s Gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven.

St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him.

St. Peter said, “I don’t know, this is the first time anyone has asked. “Let me go find out.” and he left. The couple at and waited for an answer … for a couple of months … and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

“What if it doesn’t work?” they wondered, “Are we stuck together forever?”

St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “you can get married in Heaven.”

“Great,” said the couple, “but what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

“COME ON!” St. Peter shouted, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?”

Weaving

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. “Ma’am, is there a reason that you’re weaving all over the road”?

The woman replied, “Oh officer, thank goodness you’re here! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!”

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, “Ma’am … that’s your air freshener.”

Chinese Tourture Tests

A man was lost in the Chinese wilderness for three days without any food, drink, or decent sleep. When he found this little farm, he went up to the house and knocked on the door.

A little old man answered the door and asked him what the hell the guy was doing at his house. The man asked if he could stay the night, and the little old man said, “as long as you don’t go messin’ around with my grandaughter.”

“Sure!” the man says.

Well, that night, he DOES mess around with the grandaughter, and he wakes up the next morning with a big rock on his chest saying: since you messed with my grandaughter, I will give you the three words Chinese touture tests known to man. first, you start with a 50 kg rock on chest.”

“What a lame torture test.” the man said, dumping the rock out the window. On one side of the rock, it said, “Then, you tie the rock to right testicle.” So the guy jumped after the rock, and as he got nearer to the ground, there was a piece of paper bearing the painful words: “then, you finish with the left testicle tied to bedpost. Have a nice day.”