A woman got pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said, “I bet you’re going to sell me tickets to the Highway Patrol Ball.”
He replied, “No, Ma’am, highway patrolmen don’t have balls.”
There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he had said. Without saying another word, he closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!”
3. Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.
4. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
5. On a long ride, sway side-to-side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
6. Shave.
7. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”
8. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside down.
9. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
10. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
11. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
12. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.
13. Do Tai Chi exercises.
14. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce: “I’ve got new socks on!”
15. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!”
16. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
17. Meow, occasionally.
18. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
19. Frown and mutter “Gotta go, gotta go!” then sigh and say “Oops!”
20. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
21. Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing buttons.
22. Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.
23. Walk on with a cooler that says “Human Head” on the side.
24. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.
25. Leave a box between the doors.
26. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
27. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers, with it.
28. Start a sing-along.
29. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “is that your beeper?”
30. Play the harmonica.
31. Shadow box.
32. Say “Ding!” at each floor.
33. Lean against the button panel.
34. Say “I wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons.
35. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
36. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space””
37. Bring a chair along.
38. Blow spit bubbles.
39. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
40. Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”
41. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
42. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
43. Wear X-Ray Specs and leer suggestively at other passengers.
44. Stare at your thumb and say, “I think it’s getting larger.”
45. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler “Bad touch!”
Did you hear about the Polish man who locked his keys in the car?
It took him four hours to get his family out.
Poland’s worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland.
Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 326 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
“The Sony Vaio machines have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with their own Japanese haiku poetry.”
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
The Web site you seek
Can not be located but
Countless more exist
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask way too much.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
“My Novel” not found.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Having been erased,
The document you’re seeking
Must now be retyped.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said “I haven’t eaten anything in four days.” She looked at him and said, “God, I wish I had your willpower.”