Category: Culture


RHIP

The plane’s cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and said to the passengers, “Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super.”

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that one woman hadn’t moved a muscle. “Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.”

She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one.”

“Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, Bitch.”

Musical Health Care

A managed care company president was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert’s Unfinished Symphony. Since she was unable to go, she gave the ticket to one of her managed care reviewers. The next morning she asked him how he had enjoyed it. Instead of a few observations about the symphony in general, she was handed a formal memorandum which read as follows:

1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, avoiding peaks of inactivity.

2. All 12 violins were playing identical notes. This seems an unneeded duplication, and the staff of this section should be cut. If a volume of sound is really required, this could be accomplished with the use of an amplifier.

3. Much effort was involved in playing the 16th notes. This appears to be an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes be rounded up to the nearest 8th note. If this were done it would be possible to use para-professionals instead of experienced musicians.

4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated then the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.

5. The symphony had two movements. If Mr. Schubert didn’t achieve his musical goals by the end of the first movement,then he should have stopped there. The second movement is unnecessary and should be cut.

In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Mr. Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had time to finish the symphony.

Turkish Prison

An Englishman, a Irishman and a Scotsman were all sentenced to 10 years in a Turkish jail. However, because the judge was in a good mood, they were permitted to have any thing they want supplied in the jail with them. The Englishman asks for a couple hundred barrels of whiskey. So they lock him in there with a ten year supply of his favourite brand. Next the Scotsman asks to be locked away with a half dozen beautiful blondes. So they put him in his cell with some of the best looking women in the city. Finally the Irishman asks for some cigars, they lock him away with a ten year supply of the finest Cuban cigars.

Ten years later, the warden comes to release the prisoners. They open the Englishman’s cell and he’s slumped dead in a corner, apparently he died of alcohol poisoning. Moving on, they open the Scots’s cell and he’s dead too, laying flat and motionless on a bed with a smile etched on his face. The women tell the guards he died of exhaustion just two weeks ago. Finally they get to the Irish man. Dreading the worst, they open his cell and the Irishman jumps out with a cigar in his hand and asks: “Have you got a light?”

Half-a-Head

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.

The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, “There’s some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.” As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “and this gentleman wants to buy the other half.”

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?”

The boy replied, “Minnesota, sir.”

“Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?” asked the manager.

The boy replied, “They’re all just whores and hockey players up there.”

“Really,” replied the manager, “My wife is from Minnesota!”

The boy replied, “No kidding! What team did she play for?”

Look Out Below

On an airplane were three notable gentlemen: a priest, a hunter, and a general in the army. The flight was going perfectly until the plane hit some terrible turbulence and began shaking wildly. In the turmoil, the plane’s door flew open, and each man dropped an item, which was instantly sucked out of the plane. The priest lost a small brass cross, the hunter lost a knife, and the general lost a grenade.

Later on, a young girl was found crying in the street. A man passing by asked, “What’s the matter, sweetie?” The girl replied, “A cross fell out of the sky and killed my cat!”

“Boy, that really sucks!”

A young boy was found crying. A woman passing asked, “What’s the matter?”

He fought back tears and said, “A knife fell out of the sky and killed my mother!”

“Oh God! That’s horrible!”

Another small boy was found laughing uncontrollably. A man asked him, “What’s so darned funny?”

When the boy finally got control of himself, he replied, “I farted and my house exploded!”