Category: Culture


Chinese Tourture Tests

A man was lost in the Chinese wilderness for three days without any food, drink, or decent sleep. When he found this little farm, he went up to the house and knocked on the door.

A little old man answered the door and asked him what the hell the guy was doing at his house. The man asked if he could stay the night, and the little old man said, “as long as you don’t go messin’ around with my grandaughter.”

“Sure!” the man says.

Well, that night, he DOES mess around with the grandaughter, and he wakes up the next morning with a big rock on his chest saying: since you messed with my grandaughter, I will give you the three words Chinese touture tests known to man. first, you start with a 50 kg rock on chest.”

“What a lame torture test.” the man said, dumping the rock out the window. On one side of the rock, it said, “Then, you tie the rock to right testicle.” So the guy jumped after the rock, and as he got nearer to the ground, there was a piece of paper bearing the painful words: “then, you finish with the left testicle tied to bedpost. Have a nice day.”

How To Sing The Blues

1. Most blues begin “woke up this morning.”

2. “I got a good woman,” is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line.

I got a good woman–with the meanest dog in town.

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.

Got a good woman,
With the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher,
And he weighs about 500 pounds.

4. The blues are not about limitless choice.

5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.

6. Teenagers can’t sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.

8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a. Violet
b. Beige
c. Mauve

9. You can’t have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. The highway
b. The jailhouse
c. The empty bed

Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. Gallery openings
c. Weekend in the Hamptons

11. No one will believe it’s the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.

12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?

Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state–like Georgia
b. you’re blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can’t be satisfied

No, if:
a. you were once blind but now can see
b. you’re deaf
c. you have a trust fund

13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.

14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it’s the blues. Other blues beverages are:
a. Wine
b. Irish whiskey
c. Muddy water

Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death, if you die during a liposuction treatment.

16. Some Blues names for Women
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie

17. Some Blues Names for Men
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Lightning

Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

17B. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

Chinese Fishing

One day your dad is fishing at a lake. After a couple of hours he still didn’t catch a fish. Not even a goldfish. Suddenly a Chinese man appears with no fishing tools. He bends over and puts two fingers in the water. In a few seconds a fish gets stuck on his fingers.

Your dad is just watching at this picture. And after a while the Chinese man had enough to feed a whole family. Your dad gets curious and asks the Chinese man how he did that.

The Chinese man says: If you put two fingers of you in your woman, then you will see. You can do this too. So your dad jumps up, gets his fishing tools together and goes home.

When he arrives at home, he sees your mum standing on a ladder cleaning the windows. Your dad sticks two fingers in your mums valley, your mums turns her head and says to your dad: you filthy Chinese man, are you there again

Morning Ritual

This British explorer is in the dark jungle, going where no Western man has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and trouble-shooter in one. One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man engaged in “playful activities” with ten beautiful, dark, young women, who are all in the nude. The young man had the biggest, strongest penis the British Explorer had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was?

“He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir,” came the reply. “This is his morning ritual.”

“Ask him,” the awed Brit said to his companion, “how did his penis get to be this size?”

The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation.

“Well, what did he say?” asked our hero to his assistant on his return.

“He said, ‘There’s nothing wrong with my penis. Doesn’t the white man’s shrink in cold water?’

You Might Be White Trash If …

You think quality TV is “The Simpsons” or “America’s Funniest Videos”.

You still own, admire, or listen to any CD by Madonna.

You log onto the Internet and download images because they give you the same sensation as a real naked woman.

Your Web site features schlock pictures, such as trashy women, but you confuse those pics for “art”.

You take Jerry Springer or “South Park” way too seriously.

Any of your steps towards financial independence involve letters to and from Ed McMahon.

Your knowledge of Native American culture is limited to the games offered at a local casino.

You’ve never thought of Cher as “campy.”

Your idea of “high-end shopping” is charging to your K-Mart credit card.

You give a damn about the Energizer bunny.

You’ve ever missed work waiting on the sidewalk for a special edition of Playboy.

Rosie O’Donnell is your favorite no-discernable-talent star.

Your home is an archive of old TV Guides.

You consider the grocery store checkout’s magazine rack a “library.”

You can’t understand how Nirvana’s songs ended up in the ash heap of irrelevancy like they did.

A redneck has ever criticized you for having bad taste.

You’re not ashamed to admit you like Lilith Fair and you’re not a lesbian.

It doesn’t make sense to you to use “Ellen DeGeneres” and “tacky” in the same sentence.

You really, really love these jokes or you’re really, really offended by them.

Jewish/Taiwanese Pilots

An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the first officer is Taiwan Chinese. It’s the first time they’ve flown together and it’s obvious by the silence that they don’t get along.

After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain speaks, “I don’t like Chinese.”

The First Officer replies, “Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why ees that?”

The Captain says, “You bombed Pearl Harbor. That’s why I don’t like Chinese.”

The F.O. says, “Nooooo, noooo … Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That Japanese, not Chinese.”

And the Captain answers, “Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese … it doesn’t matter, they’re all alike.”

Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally the F.O. says, “No like Jew.”

The Captain replies, “Why not? Why don’t you like Jews?”

F.O. says, “Jews sink Titanic.”

The Captain tries to correct him,

“No, no. The Jews didn’t sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg.”

The F.O. replies, “Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, no mattah … all same.”

Marketing Accounts

Coors put its slogan, “Turn it loose,” into Spanish, where it was read as, “Suffer from diarrhea.”

Clairol introduced the “Mist Stick,” a curling iron, into German only to find out that “mist” is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the “manure stick”.

Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, “Salem-Feeling Free”, was translated into the Japanese market as “When smoking Salem, you will feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty.”

When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what’s inside, since most people can’t read English.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of “I saw the Pope” (el Papa), the shirts read “I saw the potato” (la papa).

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into “Schweppes Toilet Water.”

Pepsi’s “Come alive with the Pepsi Generation” translated into “Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave,” in Chinese.

Frank Perdue’s chicken slogan, “It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken” was translated into Spanish as “it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate.”

When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” Instead, the company thought that the word “embarazar” (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: “It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant”.

In honor of an anonymous Drag Queen

I’m glad to be a Drag Queen, of that I am so proud,
I squeeze into tight spandex, three sizes way too small,
I’m altogether bitchy, annoying and so loud,
My shoes are size 11, so I stand tall at the mall.

I’m always on a diet, so the gals will envy me,
Except that chocolate cake, but it won’t touch my waist,
But eating is so terrible, the makeup runs you see,
And always always near to me, you’ll find my makeup case.

It simply takes me hours to properly fix my hair,
And when I use the bathroom, people always stand and stare.
And when I hit the dance floor, and my boobs start drifting low,
Some kindly man will help me, with hands just slightly slow.

I have such intuition, but I’m forever getting lost.
I shirk the household duties, I leave them for the boss.
And when she say to do them, I smile and give a toss,
I tell her that her girlfriend just called just to say piss off.

I cry and weep forelornly whenever Bambi’s shot,
He’s such a sweet young dear, just like my boyfriend Scott.
I go out to the night clubs, in a black tight mini-skirt,
Cause its fun to sleeze around, or sometimes to just flirt.

I’m proud to be a Drag Queen, I’m proud to be a tart,
I love to have you watch me, no matter where you start.
I’m gay, I’m queer and gorgeous, And women stare and stew,
But always, always lover, I’m too much man for you.