Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace will do that to you!
Category: Relationships
Newlyweds
It seems that a young couple had just gotten married, and spent their wedding night with the young mans parents.
In the morning the mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast, went to the bottom of the stairs and called for them to come down to eat. After a long wait the family ate without the newlyweds. His mother said, “I wonder why they never came down to eat.”
The grooms young brother said “Mommy, I think …”
“Oh shut up, I don’t want to hear what you think!” said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the younger brother.
At lunch time the mother again prepared a wonderful meal, and again called the young couple to eat. After another long wait the family proceeded to eat, and after the meal was completed the mother once again said, “I wonder why they never came down to eat?” Once again the younger brother started to speak, but was silenced by his mother.
At dinner time once again the mother cooked a very elaborate meal, had the table set perfect and called the newlyweds to join the family for dinner. After another long wait, the mother once again questioned why they had not come downstairs all day.
The young lad once again said “Mommy I think …”
“Well, what is it that you think?!?” asked his mother, rather irritated.
“I think that when my big brother came down to get the vaseline last night, he got my model plane glue instead.”
Nursery Rhymes
Twinkle, twinkle little star how I wonder what you are
Shine upon a parking lot
As I eat my girlfriends twat.
Peter, Peter pumpkin eater
Saw a chick but couldn’t meet her
Saw her brother one fine day
Sucked his cock and now he’s GAY.
Jack Sprat could eat no fat
His wife could eat no lean
So he ignored her flabby tits
An licked her asshole clean.
Eenie Meanie Miney Mo
Suck my dick and swallow slow.
Mary Mary quite contrary
Shave that pussy its so damn hairy.
Hickory Dickory Dock
Some chick was sucking my cock
The clock struck two I blew my goo
And dumped the bitch off at the next block.
Hickory Dickory Dock
Some chick was sucking my cock
It was quite scary
all wrinkled and hairy.
Yukon Hooker
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. “I’m lookin’ for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the “YUKON”, he said to the bartender.
“We got her” replied the bartender. “She’s upstairs in the second room on the right.
“The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to Pay for the hooker and two beers . He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, “I’m looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon.”
The women inside the room looked at the miner and said, “you found her.” Then she stripped naked, bent over, and grabbed her ankles.
“How do you know I want that position first?” asked the miner.”
I don’t replied the hooker, “but I thought you might want to open those beers first.”
Drunk Discussion
Two drunks are in a tavern sitting at the bar, staring into their drinks.
One gets a curious look on his face and asks, “Hey, Pete, you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?”
“Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years.”
Sex One Liners
Q: How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
A: Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!
Q: What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
A: “How come?”
Q: What’s the definition of a teenager?
A: God’s punishment for enjoying sex.
Q: Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
A: “They’ll never see you coming.”
Q: What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
A: S&M&M.
Q: What do Kodak film have in common with condoms?
A: Both capture the moment.
My sister is asthmatic. Last week in the middle of an attack she got an obscene phone call. (pause) He said, “Did I call you or did you call me?”
Define Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
Q: Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Q: What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A: A scrotum pole!
Q: What’s the ultimate in rejection?
A: When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Q: Why don’t debutantes go to orgies?
A: There’d be too many thank you notes to write.
Q: What is every Amish woman’s private fantasy?
A: Two Mennonite!
Q: Why is sex like a game of bridge?
A: If you have a good hand, you don’t need a partner.
Q: Can you say three two letter words that denote small?
A: Is it in?
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
Q: What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
A: One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One … Men will screw anything.
Bar Room Conversation
“First,” said the good looking man, “I’m going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose.”
“Oh no you’re not,” said the beautiful blonde girl.
“Then I’ll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks.” He went on to say.
“Oh no you’re not.” replied the blonde firmly.
“Then I’ll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks.”
“Oh no you’re not.” She adamantly countered.
“Then I’m going to make mad, passionate love to you.”
“Oh no you’re not” she stubbornly retorted.
“And I’m not going to wear a condom either!” said the hadsome guy.
“Oh yes you are!” said the girl.
Girl Chasing
Q: Did you hear about the girl chasing the boy around the church?
A: She caught him by the organ!
Dating and Marriage
When you are dating … Farting is never an issue
When you are married … You make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband … at all times
When you are dating … He takes you out to have a good time
When you are married … He brings home a 6 pack, and says “What are you going to drink?”
When you are dating … He holds your hand in public
When you are married … He flicks your ear in public
When you are dating … A Single bed for 2 isn’t THAT bad
When you are married … A King size bed feels like an army cot
When you are dating … You are turned on at the sight of him naked
When you are married … You think to yourself … “Was he ALWAYS this hairy?”
When you are dating … You enjoyed foreplay
When you are married … You tell him “If we have sex, will you leave me alone?”
When you are dating … He hugs you, when he walks by you … for no reason
When you are married … He grabs your boob any chance he gets
When you are dating … You picture the two of you together, growing old together
When you are married … You wonder who will die first
When you are dating … Just looking at him makes you feel all mushy”
When you are married … When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.
When you are dating … He knows what the “hamper” is
When you are married … The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area
When you are dating … He understands if you “aren’t in the mood”
When you are married … He says “It’s your job.”
When you are dating … He understands that you have “male” friends
When you are married … He thinks they are all out to steal you away
When you are dating … He likes to “discuss” things
When you are married … He develops a “blank” stare
When you are dating … He calls you by name
When you are married … He calls you “Hey” and refers to you when speaking to others as “She.”
The 10th Child
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leans forward and softly says to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now, I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have hoped for, and your answer cannot take that away. But I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She paused for a moment, then she said, “Yes, yes he did.”
The old man was shaken. The reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he expected.
With a tear in his eye, he asked, “Who?, Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first, as she tried to muster the courage to tell her husband the truth.
Then, finally, she says, “You.”