The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman, and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, “Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence, will get to take me out on a date!
So the Doberman says, “I love liver and cheese.”
The Collie says, “That’s not good enough.”
The Bulldog says, “I hate liver and cheese.”
She says, “That’s not creative.”
Finally, the Chihuahua says, “Liver alone … cheese mine.”
A couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, “Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball – don’t knock out any windows. It’ll cost us a fortune to fix.”
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, “I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let’s go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost.”
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, “Come on in.” They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, “Are you the people that broke my window?”
“Uh, yeah. Sorry about that.” the husband replied. “No, actually I want to thank you – I’m a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You’ve released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes – I’ll give you each one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.”
“OK, great!” the husband said. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”
“No problem – it’s the least I could do. And you, what do you want?” the genie said, looking at the wife. “I want a house in every country of the world,” she said. “Consider it done.” the genie replied.
“And what’s your wish, genie?”, the husband said. “Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.”
The husband looks at the wife and said, “Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don’t care.” (And neither did the wife.)
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, “How old is your husband, anyway?” “35.” she replied.
“And he still believes in genies? That’s amazing …”
An elderly couple was celebrating there 50th wedding anniversary and decided they would return to the resort they had honeymooned at so long ago. Upon getting there they had a wonderful dinner and dancing and drinking shortly followed.
The gentlemen said to his lady, “Honey let’s go upstairs and make this a night to remember.”
She readily agreed and they went into the room.
“Honey I want to make sweet lovin to ya, so get naked and lay on the bed and I am going to go freshen up in the bathroom and when I come out wow to the moon.”
He went into the bathroom and freshened up. When he came out he looked at the bed and said, “Ready or not hear I come!!!!”
His lovely bride of fifty years was not there like he said so he started to look around the sparsley lit room for her and low and behold he found her in the corner and he walked over to her. In the corner she was totally naked and standing in her head with her legs apart like a naked human “Y”.
“Honey what in god’s name are you doing?” he said.
She replied, “Well honey, I figured at your age if you can’t get it up you might as well drop it in!!!”
A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, “You say you’ve been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?”
The wife replies, “It’s my husband — he’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!”
“How does he drive you crazy?”
“For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he’s always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It’s very embarrassing.”
The marriage counselor is amused, “Anything else?”
“He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!”
“Hmm, anything else?”
The wife hesitates, “Whenever we’re making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I’d like to be in control!”
“Ah,” says the counselor, “I think I’ll talk to your husband now.”
So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, “Your wife says that you’ve been driving her crazy. She might even leave you.”
The husband looks shocked, “WHAT? For 20 years I’ve been loving and considerate and I’ve always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?”
The counselor explains, “She says that you’ve got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you’re always acting strange in public–looking at the floor and never going near anyone else.”
The husband looks concerned, “Oh, you don’t understand! It’s one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I’d obey everything he said.”
“What did he say?”
“He said that I should never step on anyone’s toes!”
The counselor looks amused, “Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry.”
The husband looks sheepish, “Oh. Okay.”
The counselor continues, “And you keep picking your nose in public.”
“Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean.”
The counselor looks faint, “That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity.”
“Oh,” says the husband looking very stupid.
“And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking.”
“This,” says the husband seriously, “is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it’s the most important thing.”
“What did he say?”
The husband replies, “In his dying breath, he said. Don’t screw up.”
“Doc, you’ve gotta help me … my wife just isn’t interested in sex anymore. Haven’t you got a pill or something I can give her?”
“Look, I can’t prescribe …”
“Doc, we’ve been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can’t think; I can’t concentrate; my life is going utterly to Hell! You’ve got to help me.”
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. “Ordinarily, I wouldn’t do this. These are experimental, the tests so far indicate that they’re VERY powerful. Don’t give her more than ONE, understand?
“JUST one.”
“I don’t know, doc; she’s awfully cold …”
“One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?”
“Um … okay.”
Our hero expresses gratitude, and departs for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. Our hero, in fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife’s coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful.
Then an inspiration strikes: he drops one pill into his own coffee.
His wife returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee, our hero with poorly concealed anticipation. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes. In a deep, throaty, near-whisper, in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, “I … need … a man …”
His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, “Me … too …”
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she wasn’t going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little fun.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.
He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.” Then she asked, “Did you dance much?” He replied, I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.
But you’re not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to …”
Ford says: “What do we do?”
Bush says: “Man the lifeboats.”
Reagan says: “What lifeboats?”
Carter says: “Women first.”
Nixon says: “Screw the women.”
Clinton says: “You think we have time?”
Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. Once the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.
The President asked for a whiskey and soda. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he too would like a drink.
Mr. Falwell replied in disgust, “Ma’am, I’d rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore, than let liquor touch these lips.”
The President then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, “My apologies, I didn’t realize there was a choice … I’ll have the same thing he’s having.”
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.
“It’s a very handy thing,” God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. “I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability.”
Adam jumped up and blurted, “Oh, give that to me! I’d love to, please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It’d be so great! When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It’d be so cool, I could write my name in the snow! Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please …”
On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn’t mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his micturition (another Trivia question) while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while.
And it was good.
“Fine,” God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, “What’s left here? Oh yes …
Multiple orgasms …”
A woman complained to her doctor that her husband never wanted sex anymore. He gave her a bottle of Viagra pills, telling her to put them into her husband’s drink and her husband would be recharged! The woman was filled with doubt, but she put one pill in his drink that evening anyway.
That night they made passionate love! The next night she put two viagra’s in his drink and later the sex was astronomical!
The next night she said, “What the hell!”, and dumped the whole bottle of pills in his drink! Sometime later, the doctor called to check on his patient’s progress. The woman’s son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how everyone was doing, the boy replied:
“Mom’s dead, Sis left home, the maid’s pregnant, my butt hurts and my Dad is outside yelling butt-naked in the front yard, ‘HERE KITTY, KITTY, KITTY!'”